The Awakening
by LauGS
Summary: Kurt Hummel has put his perfect life together carefully, making sure all the pieces fit exactly how he wanted them to. But all it takes is one name from his past to make all his hard work go to waste - Blaine Anderson.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello! Happy Saturday, y'all!**  
**I hope you're doing great and that you're ready for a new fic! I'm very happy with this one, so I hope you will enjoy it.**

**I think it'll be clear as you read the story, but in case it's necessary to point it out, this is a future fic, but the characters' past remains canon until 4x04. So... yeah, the whole break-up deal is just as we've seen it in the show. It takes a different path from there. Let's just say that this is my version of what would have happened if Kurt and Blaine hadn't gotten back together. I'll let you read and judge the rest yourself ;)**

**Thank you to my amazing betas, Wutif and Christine, for their hard work on this and all my other fics. I would be lost without them. And I also want to thank Brandi for the pretty cover art!**

**Title is from a James Morrison song. I don't own it, or any of the recognizable characters in this fic ;)**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

New York was in that strange transition between winter and spring that sometimes happened during the first days of March. The temperatures were getting warmer and most of the snow had melted – something Kurt Hummel was incredibly grateful for. He really loved winter, he did, but he would now rather admire it from inside since he had slipped on an icy sidewalk two years ago and had to wear a full leg cast for three months. He loved the season's accessories as much as the next fashionista, but in his opinion, accessorizing properly with a cast was impossible. He far preferred wearing his beautiful Manolo Blahnik knee-high boots instead.

The cab stopped in front of the Ritz-Carlton Hotel and Kurt paid the fare as a doorman rushed to open the cab door for him to exit. Kurt thanked him absently as he walked towards the entrance, checking his phone. He was five minutes late, but he could usually count on Rachel to be even later for their weekly brunch date.

It was a little tradition they had started when they stopped living together. Best friends since high-school, coming to New York together and being roommates had been a dream. Rachel had landed the role of Fanny Brice in Funny Girl, and Kurt had started an internship at Vogue . com, and since then their lives had changed forever. They became busier and busier, adding relationships and hectic responsibilities that life in the city always brought, and then finally decided to set a fixed day every week, where they would have brunch together and catch up on what had been going on in their lives. The Saturday Brunch, as they called it, had survived work obligations and Rachel's wedding and even her newlywed stage. It was also an excuse to relax and vent out their week's frustration over Mimosas and French pastries.

Kurt walked into the Auden Bistro inside the Ritz Hotel. It was a nice, elegant place that they would have never been able to afford when they first started their tradition. However, a Broadway star and 's Web Content Editor could allow themselves a few luxuries. Kurt had never imagined he would rise this far, at his age – his former boss, Isabelle Wright, had moved up the corporate ladder a few years ago, and designated him to take her place. He still thought of her as his fairy godmother.

After the hostess took him to their usual table and offered him a drink, Kurt quickly checked his emails while he waited. Even though he knew he should relax more during the weekend, it was difficult to stay disconnected from the office. And not every email he received was related to work, he thought in justification, as he opened one from Lisa Humphrey. A work friend who had gotten married the previous year and swore she was the very best when it came to choosing the perfect wedding cake – and Kurt Hummel couldn't have anything less than perfection on his wedding day.

The thought of his wedding still sent a thrill down his spine. He glanced at his engagement ring – a delicate white gold band with a little diamond on it – and resisted the urge to squeal like a thirteen year old.

Working at put him in contact with many interesting people, and Alexandre Larue had been one of them. Kurt had literally stumbled upon him when coming out of the elevator, almost soaking Alexandre in coffee, and pretty much forgetting how to breathe once he glanced up and saw how stunningly gorgeous the man was. Alexandre was a French model, the go-to male model for many of the articles Vogue produced, so it wasn't unusual to find him roaming the Vogue offices. They met several times after that, until finally Alexandre had asked Kurt out on a date. Three years later, they were engaged.

It had been Alexandre who had popped the question. Kurt had arrived home after a really long day at the office one night, to find his boyfriend cooking his favorite dinner in the kitchen. There were rose petals everywhere and fine wine, and he had simply got down on one knee after the dishes were cleared, kissed Kurt's knuckles and asked. And Kurt had said yes.

He couldn't be happier. He had a wonderful man whom he loved and that loved him back, he had an impressive career at only twenty nine years old, and an even more promising future, and he lived in the city of his dreams, surrounded by people he loved. Kurt Hummel had it all.

He caught sight of Rachel pushing her vintage baby stroller into the restaurant and taking her big, chic sunglasses off to glance around for Kurt. It was just for dramatic effect, Kurt knew, since they always sat at the same table. But Rachel Berry liked to be noticed when she entered a room, and she smiled in satisfaction when she heard a few murmurs and saw people trying to covertly watch her. Kurt rolled his eyes and politely stood to greet her.

"Hello Kurt," she said happily, parking the stroller next to the table and giving him a hug. "I hope we didn't keep you waiting long."

"Oh, you know you did," Kurt said with a chuckle. "But you wouldn't be a diva if you had arrived on time. Now let me say hello to my beautiful nephew."

"He fell asleep on the way here," Rachel explained as Kurt leaned over the carriage to coo at the sleeping baby. "He'll wake up soon though, probably when he realizes we are going to eat."

"Well, he wouldn't be Finn Hudson's son if he wasn't unnaturally obsessed with food," Kurt replied teasingly, as he took his seat again. "How's my brother, by the way? I haven't talked to him this week."

"He's fine. He stayed home grading some tests," Rachel smiled as she leaned back in her chair comfortably. "I would've left Che with him, but I thought it would be nice to let him work in peace."

Kurt rolled his eyes, just like every time he heard her calling her son by that name. "Rachel Berry, the only woman in the world who named her son after a Marxist revolutionary."

"Hey, Che was a fantastic character in a Broadway classic," she protested, just as she did every time Kurt teased her about that. "A classic play in which I hope I'll be performing as the leading lady, after my Broadway break is over." She smiled at the waitress when she handed them their menus. "And you know perfectly well his name is Chester."

"You just named him Chester so Finn wouldn't realize where the name was _actually_ coming from," Kurt retorted. "How's that break thing working out for you, by the way? Are you getting sick of being a dedicated house-wife and mother already? Ready yet to head back to the Great White Way?"

"Oh no, not yet," Rachel answered, playing with the long braid hanging down her shoulder. "I'm still having a wonderful time. Che surprises me every single day. He's the cutest baby, but you would expect that, given that he's all Hudson."

"What I hope for is that he won't be as clumsy and gigantic as his father is," Kurt muttered with a little snort. "Instead, I hope he's just as graceful as his mother is."

Rachel preened at him gratefully. They ordered their brunch and chatted about Chester's latest doctor's checkup until the food was on the table. Since Rachel had become a mother, all her usual self-centeredness had turned toward her child. Kurt loved seeing her so happy and bright, obviously satisfied with how life had played out for her. They both had done very well. Their high-school selves would be extremely proud.

"So, how's Alex?" Rachel asked as she took a bite of her vegan omelet.

"He's great," Kurt replied, unable to hide his smile. "He's playing tennis with his best friend, just as he does every Saturday."

"You look particularly happy and relaxed today," Rachel pointed out.

"Well, that tends to happen when your fiancé wakes you with a mind-numbing blowjob," Kurt said, laughing playfully when Rachel threw her napkin at him. "I don't know, I'm just… _happy_. I guess I have plenty of reasons to be happy lately."

"Are we going to work on my groom's maid dress any time soon? I'm dying to see what you have designed for me," she commented excitedly.

"It's almost ready," Kurt beamed. "And so is my suit. They only need finishing touches."

"God, I can't believe you're finally getting married. It's going to be the wedding of the century," Rachel clapped her hands together. "I should probably start organizing your bachelor's party…"

"Please, whatever you do, don't hire any strippers," Kurt begged immediately. "They're so tacky. Let's just have one of our classic sleepovers and eat cupcakes. I'll give you and the girls a make-over."

"Mm, we'll see…" Rachel whispered mischievously.

Rachel picked up Chester to soothe him when he woke up half way through their brunch. He was a chubby, adorable six month-old baby who looked a lot like his father, except for his big, dark eyes that were pure Rachel Berry.

"Oh gimme, gimme, I want to cuddle him," Kurt demanded, making grabby hands until Rachel passed the baby over. "Hi, little buddy! Come to your Uncle Kurt."

Chester grinned up at him and started playing with his grey cashmere scarf while Kurt bounced him up and down on his knee.

"Have you and Alex talked about when you might want to adopt babies of your own?" Rachel asked with a calm smile, as she watched uncle and nephew playing.

Kurt startled and looked at her with wide eyes. "What? Of course not. We're so young. Let's get the wedding over first…"

Rachel frowned, her smile disappearing almost instantly. "Kurt… you're almost thirty. And Alex is four years older than you. What's going on? You've always wanted kids, why do you look so doubtful about it now?"

Kurt scoffed. "I'm not! I just… people change, Rachel. Maybe I don't want kids anymore."

Rachel crossed her arms over her chest. "You could barely stop talking about it when you were dating Bl–"

"Like I said," Kurt interrupted, raising his voice enough to cut her off. "People change. Everything changes, Rachel. You can't blame me for having different dreams now. I was a different person back in high school…"

Rachel knew Kurt well enough to recognize when he was putting her off. There were certain things Kurt didn't like to talk about, and she knew he had good reasons for that. Kurt had spent years completely emotionally devastated after what had happened and now he was finally happy again with Alex. Rachel couldn't blame him for wanting to put the past behind him and focus instead on his bright future.

"You guys should come to have dinner with us sometime this week," she suggested, to move on from the awkwardness. "I have a new recipe I'm dying to try…"

Rachel went on and on about the recipe book she had gotten the previous week – when Rachel Berry played a part, she played it well, and she was determined to be the perfect house-wife and mother. Kurt listened politely and made suggestions, while observing that Chester was getting bored with bouncing on his knee. He grabbed one of his toys from the stroller and distracted him with it while he continued to talk to his mother. Soon, the baby would get too impatient and fussy and they would have to end their brunch.

They parted ways outside the hotel with a fond kiss and a hug. Rachel lived across the park, so she would walk back home, but Kurt wanted to pick up a snack for Alexandre, who was always starved after playing tennis, so he took the opposite direction, toward a fantastic bakery where they had rolls with a creamy herbed brie filling that were to die for. He also wanted to browse a shop a few streets down that had the largest selection of wedding magazines. There were so many details to think about when it came to a wedding… Kurt hadn't even been aware of the most recent trends when he put together his Dad's wedding back in high school. So many trends to follow, so many clichés to avoid. Kurt Hummel's wedding couldn't be anything short of fabulous, after all.

* * *

Kurt slipped his free hand into his pocket and wrapped his other arm around Alexandre's, moving closer to his fiancé. Even though the days were becoming warmer, there was still a vestige of winter's chill at night, and he welcomed the warmth that Alex provided.

"I think I liked the last one best," Alex commented as they started walking back home. "We should order five cases of it for the wedding."

Kurt hummed in agreement, pleasantly buzzed after a lovely night at a wine tasting, sponsored by one of New York's top wineries. Even though most of their dates included tasting food and beverages for the wedding lately, he still appreciated spending a night out with Alex. They had both been buried in work the past few weeks and the added stress of putting together a wedding didn't really give them much free time to spend together and just have fun.

"I loved that sweet white one, what was it called? It had a really long name," Kurt muttered thoughtfully. "It would go wonderfully with the cake, I believe…"

"It was a 2008 Domaine Leflaive Puligny-Montrachet Les Folatières, I'm quite sure," Alex answered, slipping back to his own language easily.

Kurt practically purred. "Mm. I love when you do that."

"I know you do," Alex winked at him playfully. "Maybe I do it on purpose…"

Kurt laughed. "Of course you do. We really should order a few cases of that one, too…"

"Those were really expensive wines, Kurt, are you sure you want to spend so much money on beverages?" Alex asked.

Kurt shrugged. "How many weddings do you think I'll get to have? I just want it to be spectacular."

"Anything for my prince," Alex kissed the top of his head. "What's on the to-do list for this week?"

"We have to go see the sample cakes and make a decision about decorating it," Kurt said, immediately going into business mode. "We have to try on our suits, and I need to send my Dad's to him, so he can try it on, too. I've already arranged a Skype date for Wednesday evening so I can see how it looks on him. Oh, the napkins. Do you want them to be shaped like roses or swans? I thought roses were classy, but swans are a little cliché."

"What's the point then, of even considering the other option? You can never go wrong with roses…" Alex pointed out.

"Uhm, you're right. See? This is why I'm marrying you…" Kurt smiled as he leaned in to kiss him. "Oh! And we need to get the marriage license this week. It'll just get crazier if we wait any longer and then if we forget, everything will be a disaster."

"Why don't we go during your lunch break on Thursday? I don't have anything scheduled then," Alex said as they stopped to wait for a red light at a corner.

"Perfect." Kurt sighed. "God, this is really happening."

"Of course it is," Alex wrapped his arm around him to pull him closer. "And I can't wait to call you my husband, _mon ange_."

Every now and then, particularly when Alex said those sweet things, Kurt had the sudden urge to start dancing, regardless of where he was. He just wanted to twirl around a little, skip a bit, with his arms raised above his head. There was nothing wrong with a grown man showing the world how happy he was, right?

He managed to stop himself, though. He simply pressed one more kiss to Alexandre's lips and then they crossed the street together.

* * *

Burt Hummel dropped unceremoniously into the chair in front of the computer.

"Dad! Don't do that! You'll ruin the jacket! Can't you at least…?"

"Calm down kiddo," Burt said, unbuttoning the suit's jacket. "I'll take it off and hang it up in a minute. I just want to talk to my kid while he's still got time."

"I always have time for you, Dad," Kurt replied, leaning back in his chair.

"That's not entirely true," Burt retorted with a gruff. "Between your job and all the wedding stuff, I'm lucky if I manage to fit in a five-minute phone conversation a week."

"Once the wedding is over, things will go back to normal. I just want everything to be perfect," Kurt said with a fond smile.

Burt snorted doubtfully. "Yeah, right! You clearly have no idea what happens after you're just married. You'll barely leave the apartment for the first few weeks. Heck, you'll probably hardly leave your bed…"

"Dad!" Kurt exclaimed, scandalized. This was _not_ a conversation he wanted to have with his father.

Burt chuckled, amused. "I'm just saying, Kurt." He paused, and watched his son quietly. "So. How's that fiancé of yours?"

"He's great. He had a photo shoot today and he texted a little while ago to let me know it was running a little late," Kurt answered, relaxing back in his seat. "So I'll probably work on my suit for a bit, since I don't want him to see it."

"You should take a break," Burt said, crossing his arms over his chest. "I think you're working too hard. By the time the wedding day comes around, you'll be too exhausted to enjoy it."

"I'm fine," Kurt remarked patiently. "Can you really blame me for wanting things to go nicely?" Burt made a face that Kurt caught just in time before his father masked it away. "What? What is _that _supposed to mean?"

Burt sighed, as if bracing himself for something difficult. "Look, Kurt, don't take this the wrong way… but aren't you going a little overboard with this wedding? I mean, do you really need to have such an extravagant party?"

Kurt gasped. "Are you kidding me? What is wrong with wanting a beautiful wedding day? It's not like I'm going to have doves pooping glitter…"

"I'm just _saying_, son. When you get married, it shouldn't matter so much where it happens or how exclusive the string quartet playing while you walk down the aisle is. It's about beginning your life with the one you love…"

"Dad," Kurt said in a firm but patient voice, ready to inform his father of how wrong he was. "Isabelle offered to help us get the best venue, so what's wrong with letting her drop her name around so I can get married in the Terrace Room at the Plaza? It's beautiful and spacious and more than I've ever dreamed of. And what if the wine is expensive or if I want the food to be absolutely delicious or if I want the wedding cake to be gorgeous? This is the only wedding I'll ever have, Dad. I want to start my life with my husband by making perfect memories…"

Burt nodded curtly, in that way that meant he didn't agree with Kurt at all, but didn't want to upset his son. Kurt frowned. He didn't understand why his father couldn't see things his way. Was it so wrong to want a fairy tale wedding? So what if the flowers were as expensive as two months' worth of rent? It was what he wanted, so he was going to get it. It was _his_ wedding.

Burt cleared his throat, clearly ready to abandon the topic as a lost cause. "Just promise me one thing, Kurt. Don't focus so much on the material aspect of it all and don't get upset if your suit's a little wrinkled or if the best man's speech isn't funny enough. Those are just details. What you really need to remember is why you and Alex are doing this. That's what really matters."

Kurt couldn't help smiling lovingly at his father even though Burt was being particularly difficult. He knew everything came from a place of caring. He could always count on his Dad to look after him, to make sure he always had a reason to be happy. He really had lucked out with a father like him.

"I know, Dad," he assured him quietly.

* * *

On Thursday, Kurt received a text message from Alex five minutes before they were supposed to meet, informing him that he was already downstairs waiting for him. Kurt finishing writing the email he was working on and quickly sent it, before grabbing his bag and his jacket. As he was leaving the office, his assistant followed him down the hall.

"Should I order your lunch?" Clara asked, notepad in hand and ready to write down whatever he wanted.

"No, thank you, Clara," he replied as he arrived to the elevator and pressed the button to call it. "I have wedding stuff to do, so I'm meeting my fiancé. I may take a long lunch break, but I'll be back for the meeting at three."

"Okay. Do you want to use the large conference room in the fifth floor?"

"No, let's just use the small one in this floor, this time. It'll be a quick meeting, I hope. Call me on my cell if something urgent happens. Otherwise, just write down any messages and I'll take care of it when I'm back!" He exclaimed, as the elevator doors closed before him, just catching Clara nodding before she turned on her heels to go back to her desk.

Kurt searched for his sunglasses as he went down on the elevator and slipped them on as he crossed the glass doors of the Condé Nast to exit the building. Alex was standing to a side, so he wouldn't be on the way of any hurried New Yorkers, typing something on his phone. Kurt went up to him and Alex smiled and kissed his lips quickly. He put his phone back in his pocket and offered his hand to Kurt.

"Are you ready for this?"

Kurt grinned at him. "I am _so _ready."

They hailed a cab and sat close together on the backseat, as Alex filled Kurt in on a new shoot that he had been offered that morning, planned for the following week. They talked about their schedules for that week, so they could still find some time to be together and even work on a few more wedding things that needed to be decided soon, before they arrived to the city hall.

They entered the building as Kurt looked for his papers in the bag, double-checking one more time that he had everything – birth certificate, passport, social insurance card, even his driver's license. He urged Alex to do the same as they took a number and waited for their turn, and his fiancé did so with a fond roll of his eyes. He had learned not to argue with Kurt when it came to anything related to the wedding, though.

The lady behind the desk finally called them up, so they approached. Kurt smiled at her. "Hi. We'd like to apply for a marriage license, please."

The woman smiled back. "Sure thing, gentlemen. Read over the form, fill it in and check that you have all the required papers, okay?"

Kurt meticulously filled the application and handed her the papers they had brought and she went through them carefully, asking Alex how long he had been living in the States, while she read over his Landed Immigrant papers. She seemed to be an unusually kind woman, who apparently enjoyed working with people who were planning their big day.

"It seems everything is in order," she said after she was done. She turned to her computer. "Let's start with Mr. Alexandre Larue, then." She entered his data, occasionally asking him a question when she needed extra information. When she was done, she turned to Kurt. "Now you. Kurt Hummel. That's with two Ms, right?"

"That's correct," Kurt nodded politely.

"When's the big day, boys?" She asked gently as she typed.

"April 24th," Kurt replied, unable to keep his smile at bay. He bounced a little on his heels and Alex circled his waist with his arm, affectionately.

"I bet you're excited…" The woman paused and stared at her screen, looking baffled. She deleted what she had just typed and tried entering it again, more slowly. She kept frowning. "Have you ever been married before, Kurt?" She asked, as she went through the papers he had brought again, as if looking for something.

Kurt's eyebrows went all the way up to his hairline in surprise. "No. Why do you ask?"

"There must be some sort of mistake…" She went back to the computer, clicked a bit, typed some more. Kurt was starting to get impatient – what could possibly go wrong? "Kurt, according to your information here… I can't give you a marriage license today."

"_What_?" Kurt screeched, his voice achieving painful intensity. "What do you mean you can't give me a marriage license? Why _not_?"

"Because it says in my system that you're already married," she explained cautiously, glancing alternately at Kurt and Alex and then back again.

"This is ridiculous. Please, check again. I've never been married before! I've never even been engaged before!" Kurt was starting to despair. He turned to Alex. "I don't get it."

"Can you please check one more time? Something has to be wrong in your computer," Alex requested politely.

The woman nodded and complied, making sure she was extra careful when typing everything back in. As soon as she was done, though, she shook her head. "Sorry, boys. It says here that the Kurt Hummel with this Social Insurance Number is married. You will have to get a divorce before you…"

"_How can I get a divorce if I'm not even married?_" Kurt's voice went higher and more shrill, the more anxious he got.

"Do you know Blaine Anderson?" She asked then.

Kurt had been about to speak again, to ask her to get someone else he could talk to, to maybe even throw her computer across the floor, but he froze still at the name. "W-what?"

"It says right here that you are married to Blaine Devon Anderson," the woman explained. "Do you happen to know who that is?"

Alex's arm fell from around his waist, but Kurt didn't even notice. He didn't notice that his breath had hitched at the name, or that Alex was staring at him in dismay. He didn't notice time hadn't stopped, that it kept moving, that he still hadn't replied to the woman's question, and that he couldn't remember how to breathe. He forgot where he was and why he was there, and everything melted into nothingness, because he had heard the one name that he had forbidden himself and everyone around him to ever pronounce, almost ten years ago.

He held onto the edge of the desk until his knuckles went white and he waited. He waited for someone to say it was a really bad joke. But then the woman turned the computer monitor towards him so he could see for himself, and hopes that this wasn't real vanished into thin air.

There, clear as the pale morning sunlight, it said that he was married to his high school sweetheart, his first love, the boy who had been his best friend, the boy who had broken his heart into a million jagged pieces.

He was married to Blaine Anderson, but he couldn't explain how or when that had happened.

* * *

**So. Here we are. How do you guys like this first chapter?**  
**As always, this fic is fully written, and will update weekly (most probably Saturdays). It's 20 chapters + an epilogue long.**  
**I did my research, my beta helped me with some technical stuff... but at the end of the day, I decided to do what worked better for the story, so keep that in mind as you read it. I'm taking a couple of literary licenses ;)**

**Anyway, enough chatter! I hope you enjoyed this. Please review!**  
**I'll see you next week. Thanks for reading!**

**L.-**


	2. Chapter 2

**Welcome to chapter 2 of The Awakening!**  
**Thank you all so much for the lovely reviews for the first chapter. I'm very happy you're all enjoying it!**  
**I got several messages about the updating schedule, and though most of you have been reading my stories for a while now, some of you may be new, so it's worth talking about this for just a moment: Even though my stories are always completely written before I start posting them, they aren't 100% edited. I get help from two wonderful friends - Wutif and Christine - in order to edit the chapters, because although my level of English is good, it's not my first language, and I don't want to post anything that isn't grammatically correct or that sounds weird. But the thing is that the three of us have lives of our own outside the fanfiction world, and we have a lot going on that requires our attention. We work on the chapters as often as we can, but it's a long process. So I ask you all to be patient with us, with me. Updating once a week gives me enough time to edit, as well as take care of my "real life" projects, and also write new stories that I will eventually share with you. And it gives them time to help me, which is amazing. So I appreciate your enthusiasm about the story, and I'm happy you want more, but please give me time so I can keep giving you guys the regular updates I've been giving you all these years :)**

**That said (and I'm sorry I got wordy!), I hope you enjoy this chapter. I own nothing!**

* * *

_You are married to Blaine Devon Anderson._

Kurt had no idea how he made it back to their apartment. He just knew that one second he was still staring at that screen, and the next, Alex was guiding him through the front door to sit on the couch in the living room.

His brain was buzzing. He heard the same words over and over until he felt like hugging his knees to his chest and rocking back and forth. How could this be happening? Was this some kind of dream that felt exceedingly real? Had the stress of the wedding and work finally broken him? Was he having feverish dreams due to wedding jitters?

Anything seemed possible. Anything, except the one thing that was apparently true.

Alexandre's green eyes were suddenly in front of him. His fiancé had sat on the coffee table to face him, and Kurt blinked at him stupidly.

"I assume from your reaction that you didn't know anything about this," Alex finally said, and Kurt was sure those were the first words he had uttered since this whole mess had started.

"Of course I didn't know about it!" Kurt dropped his face in his hands. "Oh my god, I cannot be married to him. This isn't happening…"

"So you and Blaine didn't secretly elope? You didn't decide to do something crazy when you were still together and then just…?"

"No!" Kurt interrupted. He felt sick. What did any of this _mean_? "Alex, please, I swear…"

"Kurt, I'm really trying very hard to stay calm here, but I have to be honest, I'm not very happy," Alex admitted, nostrils flaring a bit.

Kurt gaped at him in disbelief. "You can't be serious. You really think I wouldn't tell you if I had been married before? I'm trying to marry you, Alex! Doesn't that tell you _anything_?"

"When it comes to you and Blaine, Kurt, I'm not sure of anything at all," Alex retorted, making Kurt freeze motionless. His fiancé stood, too anxious to stay seated any longer. He began pacing across the living room, like a caged lion, as Kurt watched him. "Blaine's always been this… this _cloud,_ hanging over our heads."

"What are you talking about? I never even talk about him!" Kurt exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air in frustration.

"Exactly! He's this huge taboo! No one can even mention his name or you go crazy! You went all pale when that lady said his name!" Alex seldom raised his voice, unless he was particularly upset about something, and now he was shouting. This wasn't a good sign.

"Well, _excuse me_ if I went into shock while trying to understand how it can be possible that I'm married to a guy I haven't seen in a fucking decade!" Kurt screeched hysterically, feeling all his anxiety pouring out of him. He didn't want to take it out on Alex, but he just didn't know how to deal with this. "What are you trying to say here, Alex? Are you implying that I knew about this and I've been lying to you all along? Do you think I'm pulling your leg here? Do you think this is some kind of joke? I'm not laughing!"

"What do you want me to think, Kurt?" Alex asked, sounding furious and defeated at the same time. His accent always got thicker when he was emotional. "Do you actually think I'm not aware that I'm filling in for Blaine? Do you think I don't know that if he hadn't broken your heart, you would be marrying him instead of me? Do you think I haven't noticed that your father still has pictures of the two of you together all over the house? How do you think I feel when I go visit my future in-laws and see pictures of you and your ex-boyfriend on the mantel? Especially when there aren't any of us together, not even from the holidays we spent with your family? Do you honestly think I don't know that I'm a replacement?"

"Alex," Kurt choked on the name, suddenly feeling tired and sad. "Do you really think that? Sweetheart, no. I _love_ you, and I'm marrying you because you're the man I want to be with. You're not a replacement…"

"It _feels_ like it, Kurt," Alexandre replied bitterly. He dropped down on a chair. "I know no one can ever compete with a first love, because first loves are unforgettable. But I was hoping I could make you happy enough for you not to need him."

"I don't need him. I need _you_," Kurt dropped to his knees on the floor in front of him, resting his head on his lap and holding his hand. "He broke my heart. He had a chance, and he lost it. It hurt, and it hurt for a very long time, but when you came along… Alex, you're the only one for me now. Don't doubt that. Please, don't ever doubt that."

Alex ran his fingers through Kurt's hair gently. His voice sounded tinny when he finally spoke. "I believe you. I'm sorry, _mon ange_. I… I just freaked out."

"It's alright," Kurt reassure him, looking up at him. "I'll figure out what to do. I'll fix this. I promise."

"In time for the wedding?" Alex asked, uncertainly.

Kurt nodded with determination. He wouldn't let the pain from the past dictate his life anymore. He had let it affect him for a very long time, and he had managed to push through it years ago. He didn't need to feel like this again. "Of course."

* * *

Alex kissed his cheek before walking out the front door. He had said he needed some air and some time alone and Kurt had understood completely. They didn't want to fight – this was an obstacle, nothing more. They needed to remember that and keep going.

As soon as the door was closed behind Alex, Kurt walked into their bedroom and sat on the bed, letting out a long slow breath. He was confused and, if he had to be honest, a little desperate. How had this happened? And, more importantly, how was he going to fix this?

Blaine Anderson. He hadn't allowed himself to think about him in so many years, even if the name and the boy it belonged to crept into his memories every now and then anyway. Kurt had loved him more than he had ever loved anyone; he had pictured their life together; he had shared laughter and tears with him, frustrations and joy, failures and successes... and then it had all ended with four painful words.

_I was with someone._

Kurt had met Blaine during his junior year of high school, at one of the lowest points in his life. He was bullied, miserable, lonely, and vulnerable, and there was suddenly a boy from a rival choir who danced, sang and gave him courage. Later, Kurt would discover that Blaine was a little broken himself, but that only made him love him even more – Blaine had put aside his own pain and doubts to help him when he needed support just as much. Kurt fell in love with him at first sight. Blaine was an attractive boy with dark curly hair constantly styled with gel, and a charming smile that made Kurt's heart flutter. Blaine had grabbed his hand and that had been enough for Kurt to fall.

After a few months of friendship and doubts, they got together, and the moment they kissed for the first time had felt like they were finally meeting their soul mates, like suddenly, between them, they held every answer to every question in the universe. Blaine was warm and gentle, and Kurt had so much love and sweetness to give, that no one had wanted until that moment, pushing it back towards him when he offered it, rejecting him and his heart. But Blaine accepted everything he had to give, and gave it right back, showering Kurt with his affection and his tenderness.

They were still together when Kurt graduated and moved to New York. Blaine had remained in Lima for his final year of high school while Kurt tried to find his way in the big city. He was submerged into the rush of New York, with a brand new internship and new exciting people to meet every day, and then, out of nowhere and during his first visit, Blaine was tearing his dream into pieces.

_I was with someone._

Kurt stood and walked from the bed to the closet in unsteady feet. Remembering those awful words coming out of Blaine's mouth always left him feeling weak and uneasy. Everything had changed after that... Kurt had been hurt and confused for so long...

In the back of his closet, behind boxes of out of season boots and old Vogue magazines, there was a wooden box covered in dust. He hadn't looked through it in years.

Kurt blew on the lid to disperse the dust, his eyes fixed on the initials carved inside a heart: K&B. Everything that was _them_, whatever remained of what they had once had, was inside this old box. It was sad to think that their entire relationship could fit into a small box. Kurt had once thought it would be the first of many, that they would have mementos of what they were everywhere around them. A whole house full of memories and promises.

He had been such a fool.

Kurt sat on the floor with his back against the wall and the box on his lap, not sure if looking through it would be a good idea. In the end, he took a deep breath and forced himself to face what he had been running away from for almost a decade.

Kurt felt his chest constricting painfully as soon as he opened the lid and was immediately staring at Blaine's face. There was a stack of photographs on top of everything else, thrown in there hastily after the break up, when Kurt couldn't deal with seeing his ex-boyfriend's smiling face on every surface of his bedroom. The top one had always been one of his favorite ones, taken the summer after Kurt's graduation. They had gone to a pool party at one of their friend's houses, and they had pressed together and smiled happily when Finn raised the camera to take their picture, with their sun-kissed skin glowing under the sun. Blaine's hair, usually glued to his skull with gel, was wet and wildly curling around his handsome face. His caramel eyes seemed to soak all the sunlight and Kurt could remember, as if it had been just yesterday, how happy they were together, how simple the world seemed when he was with the boy he had thought he would spend the rest of his life with.

_Blaine's laugh echoed around the backyard as he leaned against the edge of the pool, looking up at Kurt through his sinfully-long eyelashes._

_"Come on in, Kurt! What's the point in coming to a pool party if you're not going to swim a little?"_

_Kurt rolled his eyes. "I don't want to get sunburnt. You know I have very sensitive skin..."_

_"Yeah, I do," Blaine said cheekily._

_"Oh shut up," Kurt scoffed._

_"Please, Kurt? I just want to swim with my beautiful boyfriend," Blaine looked at him coyly and with a sweet smile, and Kurt knew he was done for. He was never able to say no to him when he did that. And Blaine knew it._

_With another eye-roll, Kurt sighed. "Fine, I'll see if Rachel has some sunscreen I can borrow..."_

_Blaine's smile was so bright that Kurt felt his heart melting inside his chest. He was so in love with this boy..._

Kurt bit his lip and put the pictures aside, unable to face looking through all of them. He found an old t-shirt next, balled up and thrown inside the box as hastily as the pictures. He had borrowed it from Blaine's dresser the night before he moved to New York. Kurt had lost count of how many nights he had worn it to bed, sighing in contentment when he imagined he could still smell his boyfriend. It had been almost as good as being in bed with him, enveloped in his arms, when the distance felt like too much, and he needed something to cling to. Blaine had taken one of his scarves, for the same reason, and he had caught him playing with it or wearing it while they were on Skype plenty of times.

Kurt resisted the urge to press the t-shirt to his face and inhale deeply, as he had done so many other times. It wouldn't only be pointless – Blaine's scent had vanished long ago – but it would also be stupid. He didn't need him; didn't need the memories, either. They were all tainted with heartache and disappointment.

Putting the t-shirt aside, Kurt glanced into the box again. There was a stack of letters and little notes, held together with a blue ribbon. Every single note Blaine had passed to him between classes, every little love confession written in napkins from their favorite coffee shop, every letter Blaine had written when he felt particularly inspired was there. Kurt remembered opening his locker to get his books and finding a new letter waiting for him. He had been so happy back then, so filled to bursting with love…

Before he could stop himself, Kurt was untying the ribbon and opening the letters to scan through them, one by one. Some words and sentences seemed to pop out of the pages before his eyes.

… _no one's ever made me feel the way you do…_

… _even though my father keeps snorting every time I say it, you are the love of my life, Kurt, and he'll have to accept it…_

_Last night was wonderful. When you touch me, it's like the world melts away from around me and…_

… _and I'll always be with you to remind you of how amazing you are…_

… _but let's save that for when we get married. Mr. and Mr. Hummel-Anderson…_

Kurt's breath stuttered and his chest tightened painfully. How was it possible that the same boy who had looked at him like he hung the moon and the stars had broken him in so many pieces? All that love that Blaine had claimed to feel… where was the love when he let someone else touch him and ruin what they had?

Kurt closed the box abruptly, putting it on the bed. Why was he dwelling on the past when what he needed to do was to focus on his future? He needed to find a way to fix this. Wondering why Blaine had cheated on him was pointless – he had put that behind him long ago.

But there was one thing from the past that Kurt couldn't ignore, couldn't stop wondering about. How was it possible that they were married? Kurt was absolutely sure he would remember getting married, especially since he had been looking forward to it since he was three years old. He hadn't seen Blaine since their break-up, except for that one day when they…

Oh._ Oh_. Well, that sort of made sense, didn't it?

It had been seven years ago. All the boys from the New Directions were getting together for Mike Chang's bachelor party – he and Tina had reunited after breaking up once he graduated, and were getting married. It had been Puck's idea, of course, to have the bachelor's party in Las Vegas. Kurt had been reluctant to go – why would he want to go to a hetero strip club with a bunch of straight friends anyway? – but Mike had been so excited about having all his friends back together, that he hadn't had the heart to refuse.

It wasn't until the plane had already landed and Kurt was gathering his luggage while Finn checked for the hotel's address on his phone, that a thought struck him. He straightened and looked at his brother with wide eyes.

"Wait… Blaine isn't coming, is he?" He asked.

One would think after two years of not talking nor seeing his ex-boyfriend, the pain and the awkwardness would have diminished. However, when it came to Blaine, everything Kurt felt was intense and lasting, even the negative feelings.

Finn shifted uncomfortably. "Uhm. I think he is, yes."

Kurt groaned. "This is a terrible idea, Finn. I shouldn't have…"

"Kurt, it's been two years since you two broke up. I know it was difficult for you, but you have to let it go already. If you can't do it for yourself, then do it for Mike. He's really excited about spending the weekend with all of us," Finn replied, showing a lot more maturity that Kurt was used to seeing in him.

Sighing in defeat, Kurt hung his head in resignation. "Fine. But I won't spend any time with him. If anyone dares to leave me alone with him…"

"I'll stay by your side at all times," Finn said, clasping a hand to his shoulders, nearly making his knees wobble with the weight of it.

Blaine had actually been the last one to arrive, much later that day, and it had been easy for Kurt to avoid him when there were so many others to talk to. They were all halfway to being drunk, and Kurt had been grateful for the pleasant buzz vibrating through his body.

About that night, Kurt only remembered one thing vividly – Blaine's eyes. He had caught them fixed on him several times, but every time Kurt's eyes met his, Blaine looked the other way or pretended to be talking to someone else. Blaine had seemed just as uncomfortable as Kurt felt, and remained by Sam's side most of the time.

The next morning, Kurt had woken with a killer headache. It had taken him almost two hours to get himself together, shower and go downstairs to meet the other guys for breakfast – and it wasn't until his painkillers and the first two cups of coffee kicked in that he noticed there was someone missing.

Fortunately, he hadn't needed to ask any questions, because Artie beat him to it.

"Where's Blaine?"

Mike downed a glass of orange juice before replying in a whisper, his face pale and his eyes red and hollow. "Yeah. He left me a message on my room phone. He's gone. Something came up at work, I think."

Kurt frowned. It was only now that he realized he knew nothing of Blaine's life – where he was living or what he did. But then he forced himself to think of something else, because he just couldn't allow himself to think too much about him. He spent the rest of his weekend getting drunk with his friends and calling Tina to give her updates on her fiancé every now and then. She hadn't wanted a bachelorette party and had decided to stay at home instead, finishing up with the wedding plans. Kurt would have far rather helped her with that and hung out with his girls instead, especially when Puck hired two voluptuous strippers and told one to give Kurt a lap dance.

By the time he went back to New York, he was so hung-over that he couldn't even remember half of that weekend. Blaine had been far from his mind – it was as if he had never showed up in the first place. But now, as Kurt sat on the edge of his bed seven years later, he realized something else had happened that weekend. It was the only explanation. Sometime during that first night in Vegas, he had married Blaine.

He couldn't help wondering if they had slept together that night, if Blaine had run away in the morning when he woke up next to him, or if he didn't even know what they had done. There were many questions unanswered, and Kurt realized that, even if he just wanted to keep the past in the past, he would have to dig out a lot of things he had avoided dealing with for many years.

The problem was, he didn't know how or where to start.

He grabbed his computer from the desk, deciding the Internet was the best starting point. He logged onto Facebook and searched for Blaine Anderson – there were only seven results, but none of them were the Blaine he was looking for. He tried searching him in different social media sites, but the results were still fruitless. Finally, he sighed in frustration and thought there was only one person who could probably help him. Even though he wasn't eager to explain what was going on, he needed to fix this mess if he wanted to keep his fiancé and their wedding plans on track.

He dialed Sam's number and sat on the edge of the bed, tense and nervous. It rang a couple of times before Sam picked up, sounding a bit breathless.

"Kurt, hey!"

"Hi. Am I interrupting something?" Kurt asked.

"No, no. I'm at the gym, that's all," Sam replied. "What's up? Are you calling for work reasons or is this a social call?"

Sam had entered the modeling business after finishing high school. Even though they weren't the closest of friends now, and they mostly saw each other at work-related events, they stayed in touch. Kurt had called him a few times, especially when he needed a model out of the blue, and their relationship had become more professional than anything in the past few years. He knew Finn saw him a lot more frequently, but Kurt had found himself distanced from Sam considering he had been Blaine's best friend when they broke up. It had been weird talking to him back then, but it was useful now, to still have his contact information.

"This is… well, I don't really know how to explain this, so I'm just going to say it, okay?" Kurt took a deep breath. "I'm calling because I need you to tell me how I can contact Blaine."

There was a short silence on the other end. The whirring sound that Kurt was sure belonged to a treadmill suddenly stopped. "Uhm. I don't think I'm following."

It had been a long day. Kurt had no patience left for Sam to catch up. "Look, something major came up and I need to talk to him. It's very urgent. Just give me a phone number or an email address and that'll be enough."

"Kurt, I…" Sam cleared his throat. "I haven't talked to Blaine in… I'm not sure, probably five years?"

"What?" Kurt muttered incredulously. Sam had been the only one to stay by Blaine's side after the cheating had happened – most of the New Directions had taken Kurt's side, and shunned Blaine. If Sam didn't know where Blaine was…

"I don't know what happened to him," Sam admitted in a serious voice. "He simply… disappeared. He changed his phone number, closed his Facebook account, didn't return any of my emails…"

Kurt dropped his head on his free hand. "Oh god. What am I going to do now?"

"What's going on?" Sam asked, sounding curious and concerned.

"It's… complicated," Kurt said, in the understatement of the century. "But I need to find him as soon as possible. It's very important."

"Sorry, man," Sam murmured regretfully. "I really have no idea where he is."

"Where was he living last time you talked to him?" Kurt needed a place to start looking. His next step would have to be to call Blaine's parents, but he knew that probably wouldn't give him any better information.

"Well, when we graduated, he went to Los Angeles, to stay with Cooper," Sam explained. "He got into school there, so he was going to stay with his brother. I visited him not long before he stopped talking to me. They were still living together then, but Cooper was engaged, so Blaine was talking about moving out on his own to let his brother live alone with his wife…"

"Do you think he may still be in LA?" Kurt asked, hope flaming in his chest.

"I guess he could be," Sam replied, thoughtfully. "But it's been a long time. Maybe he's not there anymore."

"Maybe I should try calling his parents…" Kurt muttered.

"Oh, no, don't do that," Sam said almost immediately. "Last I heard from Blaine, they still weren't on speaking terms. Things with his parents sort of got out of hand right before graduation, his father said a lot of nasty things to him, his mother wasn't the nicest either, and then Blaine decided he'd had enough and they got into this really big fight. He stayed with me and my family until we graduated, and then he went to live with Cooper."

Even though Kurt hadn't been a part of Blaine's life since he was nineteen years old, it was strange to think that something so appalling had happened to him, and Kurt had no idea. Once upon a time, Kurt had given Blaine a shoulder to cry on when things with his parents were less than stellar, and Burt had often insisted on Blaine sleeping over at their place when he knew they were giving him a rough time. Now, so many years later, knowing that Blaine had walked away from them and that Kurt hadn't been there to help him through it… it felt so weird. Despite everything that had happened, and how long it had been since he had even thought about Blaine, Kurt couldn't help but feel like he should've been there to support him.

He decided to focus on the problem at hand instead of worrying for that. Kurt closed his eyes and thought. "So… what about Cooper? Do you think he's still living in the same place?"

"Yeah, I think he might be," Sam answered. "I don't have his phone number anymore, but I still remember his address. Maybe you can give that a shot?"

Kurt felt relieved. It was a start. "That would be fantastic." He grabbed a notepad and a pen and quickly wrote down the address Sam gave him. "Thank you so much, Sam. I really appreciate your help."

"You're welcome," Sam said, and after a short pause, he asked: "So, are you going to tell me what this is about?"

"I need to get a divorce from Blaine, so I can marry my fiancé," Kurt explained tersely. It sounded so ridiculous that he would've laughed if he hadn't been so incredibly stressed.

It was evident Sam had taken the opportunity to drink some water, because there were suddenly hacking and coughing noises, as if he were choking. "_What the hell?_ You two are _married_?"

"I'm just as shocked as you are. I only found out about it today while trying to get a marriage license," Kurt replied in a flat tone.

"How could that happen, without you even knowing about it?" Sam asked, completely baffled.

"My guess is that it had to have happened during Mike's bachelor party in Las Vegas, but I'm not exactly sure. That's the only time I remember seeing him since… we split." Kurt ran a hand through his hair, a nervous habit that he hated, and sighed. "Look, I'm sorry, Sam, but I really have to go. I have a million things to do and I desperately need a chamomile tea. This day has been… unexpectedly exhausting. Thank you so much for your help."

"You're welcome. Let me know how this goes," Sam said gently. He hesitated. "Uhm. If you talk to Blaine… can you maybe tell him to give me a call, if you get a chance? I was pissed off because of how he simply disappeared, but now I'm mostly just really worried. Tell him to call me so I can yell at him for a while."

Kurt smiled humorlessly. "I will. Thanks again."

They said goodbye and Kurt hung up. He stayed where he was, sitting with his eyes fixed on his phone and Cooper Anderson's address written on a notepad next to him, completely bewildered at the turn this day had taken.

Apparently, there wasn't only a wedding to plan anymore. Now there was also a divorce to get ready for.

* * *

**Thank you so much for reading. Please review and let me know what you think of this chapter! **  
**See you all next Saturday! **  
**x**  
**L.-**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello everyone :) I hope you don't mind I'm updating early this week ;) I won't be around this weekend and I didn't want to keep you hanging until Monday.**

**Thank you SO MUCH for all the amazing reviews! I'm blown-away with all your comments and messages. Thank you thank you thank you!**

**I also need to thank my wonderful girls, Wutif and Christine for their help with this and all the other chapters. They are everything. Best betas in the fandom, for sure! :)**

**Anyway, no more chatter. Here's chapter 3. I own nothing. Enjoy!**

* * *

Airports always seemed like a world of their own. Every single person coming and going had their own schedule, their own ideas, their own destinations and languages. Being at an airport felt like being everywhere and nowhere at the same time – you hadn't departed yet, but your mind was already at your destination point.

Kurt stood before the gate and looked up at the sign to confirm it was the right one for the millionth time. "I still have five minutes before they start boarding."

"You have everything, right?" Alex asked, slipping a hand around Kurt's waist to hold him against him for a moment.

Alexandre knew he did, but he had asked that same question five times since they had left the apartment. Kurt was aware that he wasn't concerned about him leaving his jacket or wallet behind. It was the papers in his leather messenger bag that his fiancé was worried about.

"Yes, I have everything," Kurt said one more time. It was impossible to forget the divorce papers he was carrying, brought to him that same morning by Vogue's lawyer. He cupped the other man's cheek reassuringly, with a little smile. "Stop worrying, Alex. I'll get this over and done with and come back home before you even notice I'm gone."

"I wish you didn't have to go at all," Alex whispered, leaning in for a kiss. "I wish he wasn't doing this to us…"

Old instincts to defend Blaine kicked in before Kurt could stop them. "Don't be unfair, honey. He doesn't even know this is happening. It was just a matter of time until one of us decided to get married and stumbled upon this mess."

Alex grumbled under his breath, but before he could respond, a voice echoed around the huge hall, announcing Kurt's flight.

"I have to go," Kurt said, kissing him again and forcing himself to be positive and cheerful despite how nervous and reluctant he felt. "I should be back on Wednesday, if things go smoothly."

"Call me when you land," Alex murmured against his lips. "Just… put this behind us and come back to be my husband, Kurt."

"I will," Kurt promised. He pulled away and fished his boarding pass out of his pocket.

Kurt maintained his calm façade until he was sitting on the plane and staring out the window, resisting the urge to bite his nails. He refused to succumb to such a nasty habit, no matter how anxious he was. However, he couldn't entirely suppress his nerves either. He was about to go face the man he had once dreamed of marrying… the man he had _actually_ married without even remembering it. When he had pictured himself as Blaine's husband, he hadn't thought it would be like this. They had been husbands for seven years, and they hadn't seen each other, talked or even acknowledged the other's existence even once, in that time.

He wished he had asked Sam more about Blaine. What had he been doing in Los Angeles? Kurt guessed he was in showbiz, because he was Blaine Anderson, after all. He couldn't imagine Blaine anywhere but on stage, whether it was playing the piano and enchanting everyone with his mellow voice, or as the lead in a romcom, making girls everywhere swoon. Plus, if he had moved there to live with Cooper, it had probably been inevitable that his older brother would push him in that direction. Cooper had tried to convince Blaine to head to Hollywood since he had gotten his first taste of the city. Back then, Blaine had insisted that Broadway was his destiny, but… well, many things had changed since then.

It seemed strange to think Blaine hadn't gotten married yet, considering how eager he was to wed when they were younger. Even before they started dating, Blaine followed the marriage equality news online avidly, grinning every time a new state was added to the list of supporters. When New York had passed the bill, Blaine had kissed and hugged him hard, crying and laughing at the same time, as they realized the future they had imagined could become a possibility.

Kurt shook his head. That's not what he needed to think about. They had been kids back then, innocent and wide-eyed, with no idea what the real world was like, out there beyond McKinley's doors, beyond Lima's borders. Besides, Kurt was happy now. He had a wonderful man, a perfect job and a bright future.

Of course, he wished the memory of his first love wasn't tainted with Blaine's cheating. It had been a heartbreaking ending to a relationship that had been definitely perfect in every other way. Blaine hadn't only given him a broken heart – he had given him lasting trust issues, as well. It had taken a long time for Kurt stop hurting, and let someone into his heart again.

Maybe this would be an opportunity for both of them to resolve their issues, Kurt thought, as he got comfortable in his seat and watched the clouds passing by. They hadn't talked properly since the break-up. They could finally put their cards on the table and say the things they hadn't said a decade ago. Maybe Kurt could finally put the pieces together, understand, and move on. He was sure it wasn't natural to still hurt over a high school relationship gone wrong. Not considering the fantastic life he led now.

Yes, Kurt decided, this would be good for both of them. He would arrive in Los Angeles, ask Cooper for Blaine's address, find his ex-boyfriend, explain the situation, talk about their past so it could stop being unfinished business, Blaine would sign the papers, and he would be back in New York in less than forty eight hours, ready to marry the man of his dreams.

Kurt allowed a little smile to tug at his lips, as he closed his eyes in contentment. He suddenly had a good feeling about this trip.

* * *

_Burt Hummel dropped down onto the armchair and glanced at the television screen with a perplexed frown before turning to the two boys sitting close together on the couch next to him._

"_Why do you always watch this movie when you know you'll end up crying like babies?" He asked in confusion. This was at least the fifth time this month that he found them watching _Moulin Rouge_._

"_Because it's perfect," Kurt sniffed, shifting to fit himself against Blaine's side. Blaine lifted his arm to make room for him and then used it to tug Kurt even closer, if that was _even_ possible._

"_It really is," Blaine agreed with a soft sigh. "Their love is epic…"_

"_And the music is so overwhelmingly good," Kurt added, with his gaze fixed on the screen. "That's why _Come What May_ is going to be our wedding song…"_

_Those words caught Burt mid-eye roll. He stopped and stared at the boys, a little surprised. "Wedding song?"_

"_Of course," Kurt scoffed, not really paying attention to his father. "It's poignant, emotional and it describes our feelings just as well as if we had written it ourselves."_

_It was obvious Blaine was trying to hide his pleased, happy smile, but completely failing. He leaned to whisper into his boyfriend's ear, and though Burt only managed to hear the last few words, he had an idea of what he had just said. "…until my dying day."_

_Kurt grinned and hummed in contentment before turning his head just enough to place a sweet little kiss on Blaine's jaw._

_Burt cleared his throat awkwardly. "I didn't know you two were already talking about wedding songs and stuff like that…"_

"_Dad, we've been together for almost a year," Kurt said calmly, still focused on the movie and the boy pressed to his side. "Are you really that surprised that we're talking about our future?"_

"_Seems a little soon, that's all," Burt shrugged. Then he caught Blaine's worried look. "I don't mean I don't think you two are going to make it. It's just that you're still so young…"_

"_When you know, you know, right?" Kurt mumbled, shifting to drop his head onto Blaine's hair, sleepily._

_Blaine still seemed a bit concerned about what Burt had said, so the older man gave him a quick smile. "Well, even if I'd prefer that you two wait until you're done with college and settled financially… I guess I couldn't ask for a better future-son-in-law, huh?"_

_The way Blaine's face lit up could've illuminated the whole town. His arms tightened around Kurt, and he looked at Burt with a grateful smile, the way he always did when he felt truly accepted into the Hummel-Hudson household…_

Kurt woke with a start when the captain's voice announced over the speakers that they were about to make their descent into Los Angeles. He didn't remember falling asleep, but he couldn't have been conscious for too long, either. The magazine that he had been reading was on the floor, caught between his feet and his reading glasses were crooked. He sat up, suddenly apprehensive again, and wondered where that dream – memory – had come from. He hadn't thought about that afternoon in so long. It had been just another day watching movies with Blaine after school, but for some reason, he still remembered it so clearly. Maybe this whole situation was just bringing back memories that had seemed so simple back then – Kurt would've thought that the fact that he and Blaine had spent so many hours planning every single detail of their dream wedding when they were teenagers, it was ironic that neither or them didn't even realize they were getting married when they did it. But it was difficult to laugh about this situation. Kurt and Blaine's wedding wasn't meant to be an inebriated moment in Vegas. Their love had been so epic, as a younger Blaine had once said, that they should've had a fairy tale wedding. They should've had that future they had once dreamed of.

Kurt fixed his hair as he waited for the plane to land, pushing away the dream and the thoughts. They hadn't gotten their dream wedding because Blaine hadn't been able to spend even a month without him, because he had cheated and destroyed what they had built together…

As resentment, anger and pain started filling his heart, Kurt took a deep breath and forced all those feelings away. No. It wouldn't do to get carried away like that. Even though he still hadn't forgiven Blaine for what he'd done, and he didn't understand why Blaine would trample over their love and their dreams just like that, Kurt was happy with the way his life had turned out. Everything was fine. Everything was perfect. The pain had been rewarded.

By the time Kurt had claimed his suitcase, he was practically swaying on his feet with fatigue. Between the time difference and stress of the past few days, he realized he was exhausted. It was late enough to call it a day, and Kurt thought it probably was a good idea to wait until the morning to go to Cooper's house and talk to him. So he walked out of the terminal, dragging his suitcase behind him and feeling the distinctive weight of his messenger bag on his shoulder. He managed to get a cab relatively soon, and he asked the driver to take him to the Four Seasons. He slumped limply against the seat and stared out the window as the lights of Los Angeles passed him by, while he dutifully called his fiancé to let him know he had landed safely.

It was Kurt's first time in this city – and on the West Coast – and the little he managed to see with his tired eyes made him wish he had time to explore a bit more. Though his heart had always belonged to New York, he was drawn to big cities in general. He guessed it had something to do with his internal small-town-wide-eyed little boy.

When he finally checked into the hotel, Kurt was relieved. What he had to do the very next day wasn't something he wanted to face without a proper night of sleep. He couldn't help wondering what Blaine would say about all of this, but he decided those thoughts would have to wait, as he took a quick shower and slipped under the pristine white sheets in the enormous king size bed.

His last thought before falling asleep was that, by this time the following night, he would be a divorced man.

He would've never imagined that such an idea could be comforting.

* * *

At half past seven in the morning, Kurt's alarm started blaring, waking him abruptly and almost making him roll out of bed. For the first few seconds, he looked around the unfamiliar room, disoriented, wondering where the hell he was. But then his brain finally caught up and he dropped back against the pillows, sighing. He was in Los Angeles, looking for Blaine, who somehow happened to be his _husband_.

Maybe now that he was in Hollywood he could find someone who could be interested in making a movie out of his life – this kind of thing just _didn't_ happen in real life.

He was still a little confused with the time difference and his head seemed to be having trouble adapting to being on the other side of the country, so he decided to start his day with another shower, hoping it would wake him fully. Afterwards, he spent a few minutes choosing his outfit for the day, laying the options on the bed and combining them carefully until he settled on a pair of jeans and a purple Henley. It was a lot more low-profile than he usually wore back in New York when he was out and about, but today he needed to keep it simple. This situation was already complicated enough. He didn't need to add knee high boots and shirts with eye-catching patterns. Today, he just wanted to be Kurt, unadorned and unmasked.

Every ounce of calm that he had managed to conjure the previous day on the plane was gone. Kurt was sure he would not be able to stomach any food, but he still went downstairs to grab something. He needed a cup of coffee to function properly, so he sat at a small table by the window, people-watching, and picking at his scrambled eggs and toast as he drank his coffee.

Once he was caffeinated enough to fortify himself for what he was about to do, Kurt got a cab outside the hotel. He gave Cooper's address to the driver and tried to relax against the seat. His messenger bag was on his lap, and he was very aware of the weight of the divorce papers again.

He suddenly realized that he had been so busy thinking about what was going to happen with Blaine that he hadn't even thought about Cooper. He hadn't seen the man in so long… Kurt couldn't help wondering what the elder Anderson brother had been up to. Cooper had always been a rather unconventional character – even though he was a good man, no one would ever deny he was self-absorbed and a little petulant. Blaine had had his differences with his brother, but in the end, Kurt had always known how much they meant to each other.

Kurt supposed that Cooper hadn't really made it big in his career, considering he had never seen him in any movies or television shows. His old credit company commercials had played for years, but they had eventually faded, too. Kurt didn't know if the company had stopped existing or if they had taken a different route, but he hadn't cared much at the moment. Part of him had been relieved not to see his ex-boyfriend's brother's face every time he turned on the television.

There had been a worry in the back of Kurt's mind since the moment the plane had departed from the airport in New York, but he hadn't entertained it much, not sure what to do with it. What if Cooper wasn't living at that address anymore? It was a possibility, wasn't it? Sam had said he had lost contact with Blaine five years ago. A lot could've happened in five years. Maybe Cooper had a new place now…

Kurt knew that, if he couldn't track him down, he would have no choice but to call their parents, and ask the Andersons about Blaine. Kurt wasn't particularly fond of the idea, but these were desperate times. He couldn't wander aimlessly around the country looking for Blaine. He had a wedding to get ready for.

Kurt had been so distracted with his own thoughts that he hadn't noticed the driver had stopped until the man cleared his throat loudly, raising an eyebrow at him from the rearview mirror.

"Oh! Sorry, I…" He looked around curiously. It was a nice neighborhood, with sidewalks lined by tall, beautiful trees. The house they had stopped at had cream-colored walls and exquisite red roof tiles that gave it an attractive Spanish style. The path to the front door was lined with flowers and green bushes and there were two cars in the wide driveway; a blue one, and a red one.

Kurt hesitated, not knowing if he should ask the driver to wait there or just tell him to go and try to get another cab later. Was Cooper even going to be here? If he was, would it take too long? Would it be rude to ask him to just ask him where Blaine was and leave as soon as possible? Kurt wasn't sure what the protocol was in a situation like this.

Sighing, he decided there was no need to brush courtesy aside. Cooper and he had nearly been family back in the day. He couldn't just demand Blaine's address and walk away.

Finally, Kurt paid the driver and walked to the front door with slow, careful steps. He knew that, if this wasn't still Cooper's house, things were going to get a lot more complicated. He really didn't have time for complicated…

He was about to knock on the door when it practically flew open before him. A whole family almost walked right into him, but he let out an exclamation of surprise and moved aside just as a pretty blonde woman carrying a little girl stepped out of the house, talking to the man who was following after her, carrying an identical little girl. The man was Cooper.

"Oh," the woman stopped mid-sentence when she realized someone was at the door. "Hello! Can we help you?"

"I…" Kurt had been taken by surprise. Despite Sam mentioning something about Cooper wanting to get married, he had never been able to imagine Blaine's brother as a family man. And, against all odds, here he was.

"Kurt?" Cooper tilted his head in confusion as he looked him over.

Kurt forced a smile on his face. "Hi, Cooper. I'm sorry to just drop by…"

"You two know each other?" His wife asked, watching them with interest.

"Yeah. He's Blaine's ex-boyfriend," Cooper answered tersely. His blue eyes were still fixed on Kurt. He wasn't smiling. The woman's face morphed into quiet understanding. "Kurt, this is my wife, Madison."

"Hi Madison, it's really nice to meet you," Kurt shook her hand politely.

"What are you doing here?" Cooper asked, clearly not in the mood for pleasantries.

Kurt cleared his throat. He really didn't want to get into any details here at the porch. "I was hoping we could talk for a bit? Something came up and… well, it's really important."

Cooper shifted the little girl to take a look at his watch. "I have a meeting I need to get to…"

"I won't keep you long, I promise. I'm sort of running on a tight schedule myself," Kurt said immediately.

Cooper exchanged a quick glance with Madison and finally sighed. "Okay. Let me get the kids in the car and then we can talk for a minute or two."

"Of course," Kurt agreed promptly.

He smiled at Madison, who smiled back, and watched the little family as they walked towards the cars parked in the driveway. They put the girls on booster seats in the backseat, and Kurt heard Cooper giving each of them a noisy kiss and wishing them a nice day, before opening the driver's seat for his wife and kissing her goodbye, as well. Cooper watched as Madison drove off, waving at his daughters, who were waving back at him enthusiastically.

Cooper walked back towards him and Kurt only had a few seconds to admire the great cut of Cooper's suit (obviously designer – Armani, maybe?) before the man was gesturing for him to go inside, a silent invitation. The house was just as nice on the inside as it was on the outside, tastefully decorated. Every surface had at least one family picture, and Kurt glanced at them in passing as Cooper guided him into the living room.

"You have a beautiful house," Kurt complimented, feeling a bit awkward. He looked at a stunning portrait of the girls on the coffee table. "They're adorable. Twins, right? What are their names?"

"Thank you. Ava and Olivia. They're almost three," Cooper replied, nodding towards the couch for Kurt to take a seat.

"They look a lot like you," Kurt said with a smile. "I never pictured you as a father, but I have to say… it suits you."

"Oh well, my life didn't turn out like I imagined it, either," Cooper shrugged. "I wasn't always big on family, but I guess I just needed to meet the perfect girl. It took a while to find her, but I think we're made for each other. She's a saint, really, for putting up with me. You know how I can be…"

Kurt rolled his eyes fondly. "Yeah, I remember. Are you still acting?"

"Nah, I gave it up ages ago. It wasn't working out anyway, but that's probably not a surprise to you. I had quite a big head and I wasn't good at accepting direction… Madison helped me with that too…"

"What do you do now?" Kurt asked curiously. He couldn't imagine Cooper at a nine to five office job.

"I'm a talent agent," Cooper replied. "Turns out I didn't have enough talent to put myself in front of a camera, but I'm really good at helping other people get there, for some reason." He watched Kurt in silence for some very long seconds. "What about you? Still trying to get on Broadway?"

"No, I'm an editor at Vogue now. I like it. I still love Broadway and singing, but I'm really good at this," Kurt explained. God, it seemed so strange, to sit here chatting with his ex-boyfriend's brother (_he's my brother in law, oh my god_) and talk about life as if nothing of importance had happened.

Apparently, Cooper was having similar thoughts, because he leaned over, with his elbows on his knees, and looked at Kurt seriously. "Why are you here, Kurt?"

Kurt took a deep breath. "I'm here because of Blaine."

Cooper licked his lips in anticipation. He seemed nervous. "Is he… is he okay?"

Kurt frowned in confusion immediately. "I… was kind of hoping _you'd_ know that."

"Oh." Cooper straightened out, with a tense sigh. His eyes seemed to go a little darker and Kurt had never seen him look so serious before. He had honestly thought Cooper wasn't capable of being so solemn. "Well, then I'm afraid I can't really help you. I haven't talked to him in… two years, I think."

Kurt's eyes widened. "What? But… Sam said he moved in with you after he graduated high school. What happened?"

Immediately, Kurt realized Cooper was reluctant to talk about it. Whatever had happened between them wasn't a foolish brotherly argument born out of resentment and jealousy. This was big; this was definitely complicated.

"Life happened, Kurt," Cooper answered vaguely. "Look… I don't know why you decided to find Blaine after all these years, but the best you can do right now is go back to New York and forget about it…"

"I can't forget about it!" Kurt exclaimed anxiously. He needed that damn address. He needed to contact Blaine. "First Sam tells me he hasn't heard from Blaine in five years, and now you tell me you haven't talked to your brother in two years…"

"Maybe you should take the hint and stay away from him, then," Cooper said abruptly. Kurt stared at him, with whatever he was about to say frozen in his throat. Cooper sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Kurt… I mean it. It's not a good idea to track him down. Forget about Blaine."

"I can't, okay?" Kurt murmured exasperated. "I'm not sure how it even happened, but Blaine and I… we got married. Like, seven years ago."

Cooper gaped at him. "_What?_"

"I'm pretty sure it happened while we were drunk in Vegas," Kurt explained quickly. "But the thing is…" He raised his hand to show him his engagement ring. "I'm getting married next month and I only found out last Thursday that I'm married to your brother. I can't marry my fiancé until I divorce Blaine. I _need_ to find him. I need him to sign those damn divorce papers."

"I can't believe… you have _got_ to be kidding me," Cooper's eyes were huge and blue, completely shocked. "You've been married for seven years and neither of you knows it?"

"Yes. I'll be signing a contract for the rights for a Lifetime movie while I'm in town," Kurt retorted sharply. "Please, Cooper. All I'm asking for here is an address. I need your brother's address and then I'll never bother you again."

Cooper only hesitated for another minute before he finally grabbed a notepad from the table next to him. He scribbled something on it quickly. "This was his address last time we talked. That's all I have for you. If he's not there, then I have no idea where he is."

"_Thank you_," Kurt smiled at him gratefully, immensely relieved.

"I still think this is a terrible idea, Kurt," Cooper said and he seemed even more serious and worried than before. "I know you are doing this because you need to do it… but it's a terrible idea."

"We're not kids anymore, Cooper. I'm sure we can handle an old heartbreak," Kurt replied, shrugging. Cooper didn't seem very convinced at all.

There wasn't a lot more to say after that. Pretending they wanted to catch up after not seeing each other in so long was pointless – they had never been close, not really. They had seen each other on a few occasions, and Blaine had always been there, playing mediator, making sure Cooper didn't tell any embarrassing stories about him and that Kurt wasn't dazzled by his brother's charms.

Cooper walked him to the door. Kurt thanked him again and then they said goodbye. Kurt was walking down the path from the front door, when Cooper stopped him.

"Kurt!" Kurt turned and watched him with a raised eyebrow, expectant. "I…" Cooper looked down at his own shoes, suddenly fascinated by them. He finally shook his head. "Nothing."

Kurt gave him a couple more seconds in case he changed his mind, but he eventually gave Cooper a final wave and left.

However, as he walked down the street trying to find a cab, he couldn't help feeling that what Cooper had been about to say had been extremely important.

* * *

Kurt replayed his conversation with Cooper over and over during the drive to the address where he would supposedly find Blaine. Even though the brothers had never been as close as he and Finn were now, he hadn't expected to find out about such a falling out. When they were in high school, Blaine and Cooper had seemed to solve all their issues and figure out a way to be there for each other. He would have never guessed that they could end estranged like this.

There had to be a logical explanation. Why was Blaine pushing everyone away? He had pushed Sam away, but what about Cooper? Had it been a mutual decision? Had he felt resentful because his brother got married and he had to move out? Kurt tried listing all the possibilities, but none of them made much sense to him.

He was worried. What if he couldn't find Blaine here? What if he had moved out since the last time Cooper had heard from him? Kurt would be left completely clueless as to where to contact him. He didn't want to even think about postponing the wedding. He wanted to move on with his life – it was unfair that his and Alex's future happiness depended on whether Blaine had changed his address or not.

The cab stopped in front of a building and Kurt glanced at it through the window. There wasn't anything outstanding about it, just ten lines of windows and concrete walls. Kurt fished his wallet out and paid the driver before exiting and taking a deep breath, to brace himself.

This was it. This moment, this building and the door he would be knocking on were going to decide his future. Kurt was suddenly filled with dread.

He entered the building and climbed the stairs slowly to the fourth floor. Once there, he found the apartment number four, and took another deep breath. God, he was so damn nervous. If Blaine really was there, how was he going to explain this whole situation to him? What was he supposed to say? _Surprise, we're married_? He hadn't seen or talked to this man in seven years, hadn't been anything but acquaintances for ten and they had so much history together regardless of their very long silence.

They were adults now, though. They had lived so much more since everything had fallen apart. They could be decently polite to each other, at least. They could find a way to make this visit worthwhile. They could use it to heal old wounds and forget about it at last…

Kurt had just raised his hand to knock when the door suddenly opened. What was it with people leaving their homes before he could even announce he was there today? He didn't have much time to dwell on that, though, because the man he was looking at now was definitely not Blaine.

He had shaggy sandy hair and he was quickly slipping a brown leather jacket on. He stopped when he noticed Kurt standing there, and with just once glance, Kurt realized that this man was about to begin his walk of shame.

_Oh_.

"Uhm. Hi," Kurt murmured awkwardly.

The stranger closed the door behind him before Kurt could to look into the apartment. "Hello…"

"I'm looking for Blaine?" Kurt asked, shifting uncomfortably.

The man's face burned red in embarrassment. "I'm… I honestly don't even know what his name is." He rolled his eyes at himself. Then he stared at Kurt in horror. "You are… you're his boyfriend? I swear I didn't…"

"Oh, no, no," Kurt immediately calmed him down, because he didn't want to give the poor guy a heart attack. "No. We are just… uhm. I just need to talk to him."

"Okay," he sighed in relief. "He's, uhm, asleep right now. I have to go…"

"Sure, yeah," Kurt nodded and let the poor guy run away. One night stands were embarrassing enough when leaving in the morning. He didn't want to give the guy another reason to stutter and blush his way through this.

He didn't seem to need to hear more. He moved past Kurt and practically tripped over his feet in his rush to get to the stairs and disappear. Kurt stood very still until the sound of his footsteps vanished completely.

So maybe the guy didn't know the name of the man still inside the apartment, but at least Kurt was almost a hundred percent sure that he had the right place.

There wasn't anything else left to do, but knock.

However, the first couple of knocks seemed pointless. No one was coming to the door. Kurt grew more nervous and impatient with every second, and pounded on the door a little harder, knowing he was just venting his anxiety and frustrations on the poor thing.

Kurt was honestly considering just barging in and risking a very awkward situation if the guy who lived there wasn't Blaine after all, when the door finally opened abruptly, and a man stepped outside, clearly irritated.

"What?!"

Kurt's breath hitched as he stared at him. The man was standing there only in his underwear. The muscles of his stomach were defined and his shoulders and arms looked chiseled. The little grey boxers left practically nothing to the imagination and Kurt had a hard time stopping his eyes from shifting down to the southern hemisphere. However, as soon as he saw the man's face, he forgot about his body.

His hair was a lot longer; thick dark curls fell on his forehead, messy and unkempt. His cheeks and jaw were covered in stubble, and his lips were set in a straight line, no signs of a smile on them. His eyes – eyes that Kurt had always compared to warm, liquid caramel – were now dull and void of emotion, despite how expressive they had been the last time Kurt had looked into them.

The simple, boyish beauty that had once made Kurt swoon was gone. Before him, stood a man who seemed to have lost every ounce of innocence and charm. There was a cold, strange aura around him that seemed to seep deep into Kurt's bones, making him shiver. There weren't any traces of kindness or sweetness in the man before him – there weren't traces of any sort of emotion left in him.

Kurt was completely frozen in place, and though he didn't even blink, trying to take it all in, he was unable to recognize in this rough, wrecked man, the boy he had fallen so madly in love with when he was seventeen.

* * *

**I hope you guys liked this. Have a wonderful weekend and I'll see you again next week! **  
**Mwah!**  
**L.-**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello everyone! Happy Saturday!**

**I hope you had a wonderful week. Thank you so much for all the amazing reviews for the first three chapters – I'm so happy you're enjoying this story!**

**I'm forever grateful for my beautiful betas, Wutif and Christine.**

**I own nothing! Enjoy!**

* * *

Surprisingly, it was Blaine who spoke first. Kurt had been expecting to see Blaine, so he should have been prepared to face him, but he was speechless, rooted to his spot, staring stunned at the stranger in front of him.

He knew it was Blaine, but a part of him refused to believe it. It was like seeing a shadow of the boy he had known so well. His body seemed a lot stronger, with muscles under his bronzed skin where once there had been smoothness that Kurt had trailed with his fingertips. His hair was wilder, released from the prison of gel Blaine had imposed on it during high school. But even though those were minor changes, so easy to see with just a quick glance, Kurt found the biggest difference in Blaine's eyes.

He remembered those eyes – he felt guilty admitting that they still haunted him in dreams; dreams that were sweet and dreams that were painful. They had been one of his absolute favorite parts of Blaine, so warm, honest and accessible, an open book where Blaine allowed Kurt to read even the most intimate passages of his soul.

Now, they were so dull and lifeless; they could've just as well belonged to anyone else.

"Well, shit. Am I still drunk? I should stay the fuck away from tequila next time…"

Those words shocked Kurt. They sounded so foreign and uncharacteristic in Blaine's smooth voice, who had always been so polite and only swore in the darkness of their bedrooms during passionate, heated moments.

"Uhm," Kurt hesitated. "Hi, Blaine."

Blaine leaned against the doorway and looked at him without saying anything for a few seconds. It was unnerving. "Hello."

"I know this is probably weird and unexpected, but I need to talk to you," Kurt said, trying to sound confident. For god's sake, he wasn't an insecure teenager anymore. He was almost thirty, well-respected and fabulous. This was ridiculous.

Blaine yawned, looking bored. Kurt forced himself not to stare at the muscles of his throat straining with the motion. "Really, now."

"Yeah," Kurt cleared his throat and stood straighter. He motioned towards the apartment. "Can I come in? I don't want to do this in the hallway."

Blaine scratched his belly (his taut, _taut_ belly) lazily, but didn't move. "I don't know… it's too early for this and I'm still hung over as fuck."

"It's… it's eleven thirty in the morning, Blaine. I don't have much time, come on," Kurt insisted.

Blaine chuckled humorlessly. "Of course you don't have time. When did you ever have time for anyone else?" He muttered under his breath. Kurt opened his mouth, indignantly, ready to reply to that, but Blaine didn't give him a chance. "Look, I'm sorry, but whatever you want will have to wait. I need like four more hours of sleep and some fucking bacon before I can deal with talking to you."

Kurt stared incredulously as Blaine began to close the door, putting his hand up to stop him. "This is important, Blaine. I _need_ to talk to you."

"Right," Blaine murmured, half asleep and obviously not interested. "Slide your phone number under the door and maybe I'll call you when I wake up."

Kurt was about to protest, but then he was completely alone. The door was already closed and Blaine was gone.

Kurt stood there for a few minutes, trying to understand what the hell had just happened.

* * *

Kurt spent the rest of the day in his hotel room, confused and frustrated, replaying his short interaction with Blaine in his head over and over. There were so many puzzle pieces missing… he couldn't understand how Blaine had become the man he was now, how he had alienated his family and his friends and turned into a man who had one night stands on Mondays and was hung over as hell on Tuesdays. The man he had just met didn't match the memory Kurt had kept tucked away in a safe place in his heart, where he still thought of Blaine as the boy who had made him feel loved for the first time, instead of the boy who contaminated that happy memory with pain.

Nothing made sense. What the hell had happened?

Blaine didn't call. What if he never called? What was Kurt supposed to do? He needed to talk to him, needed Blaine to sign those papers. He was afraid to even look away from his phone in case he missed his call…

But when the day started shifting into night, Kurt realized Blaine had no intention of calling him whatsoever.

Kurt dropped his face in his hands, feeling desperate. How was he going to get out of this mess?

Kurt nearly jumped off the bed when his phone began to ring, and rushed to accept the call, before Blaine changed his mind…

"Hello!" He exclaimed, a bit breathless.

"Hey, kiddo," a familiar voice that definitely didn't belong to Blaine said from the other end. It was his dad. For the first time in his life, Kurt was almost disappointed to hear him. "Are you busy? Carole and I can't remember the name of the movie you recommended we watch…"

Kurt closed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. "I…"

"What's wrong?" Burt asked immediately. It still shocked Kurt how quickly his father was able to notice when something was up with him.

With a long sigh, Kurt decided it was best to tell Burt the truth. His dad always knew how to make him feel better, how to help him see things clearer, how to find a solution for his problems. If ever there was a time when Kurt needed his guidance, this was it. "Dad, I'm…"

"Is it Alex? Is it the wedding? Do you need me to fly to New York?" Burt shot the questions at him, one after the other, faster than Kurt could process them.

"No, no, Dad, it's not that…" Kurt answered tiredly. "I mean, not really. Sort of. I'm… I'm in Los Angeles right now."

"Los Angeles?" Burt repeated, perplexed. "Why? Did you two have a fight? Kurt, what the hell did he do?"

"Why are you assuming Alex did something wrong? Dad, please, the man's a saint," Kurt murmured with an eye-roll.

"Then what happened? Why are you in California?"

Kurt hesitated for just a second. "I… I'm here to see Blaine."

There was a brief moment of silent confusion. "Blaine? You haven't seen Blaine in years. What's going on, Kurt? Is he okay?"

Kurt groaned. "Gosh, it's complicated, and I'm still trying to absorb it myself, but apparently we got married while drunk at Mike Chang's bachelor party in Vegas…"

"What?" Burt's voice boomed through the phone so loudly, Kurt had to pull the device away from his ear to avoid becoming deaf. "Kurt, Mike and Tina have been married for _years_."

"And it seems I've been married to Blaine for seven years, yes," Kurt explained. He still couldn't believe this. He couldn't understand how he hadn't found out about it before. "I don't know how it happened, Dad. It came out when Alex and I went to get our marriage license."

"And what are you doing in Los Angeles now?" Burt asked.

"Blaine lives here. I need him to sign the divorce papers," Kurt replied and then sighed in exhaustion. "This is all so messed up."

"Have you seen him yet?" Burt spoke quietly.

"Yeah, just for a second this morning. I've been waiting for him to call me back all day. The idiot didn't even…"

"How is he doing?" His father interrupted and Kurt frowned.

"Are you serious right now? Dad, I can't get married to my fiancé because I'm married to my _ex-boyfriend_, the boy who _broke my heart_, and all you do is ask about how he is doing since I mentioned his name?" Kurt realized he was practically yelling, but he was so frustrated, he couldn't help it.

"Look, Kurt, I get it. You're upset and you're stressed," Burt began, and Kurt could tell his father had a few things to say. "But you can't blame me for wanting to know how the boy is doing. I haven't heard from him in a decade. And before you say another word, yes, I know, he cheated on you, and that's something I'll never condone, but you two were just kids back then, and you can't tell me you were a perfect boyfriend either. Maybe you never cheated on him, but…"

"I _cannot_ believe you are taking his side," Kurt laughed disbelievingly. It was a bitter, shocked sound. "I always suspected you would forgive anything he did, but I can't believe you're actually admitting it. He's the boy who broke your son's heart!"

"And, like I said, I don't condone what he did, Kurt. There aren't sides to take, he hurt you and you hurt him, and I understand both of you, even if I don't approve of what he did. But… kiddo, you have to see this my way, too. I loved that kid to death. He was like a son to me, and I damn well know I was a father to him, one he really needed. I was sad when things ended between you two, and I thought you would find your way to be back together. I was worried about him, just as much as I was worried about you. I heard he moved away at the end of the school year and I never saw him again…" Burt paused, suddenly sounding as tired as Kurt felt. "I know this feels like some kind of betrayal to you, but it's not, Kurt. You will always be first, and I made sure you knew that, from the time you were just a little boy. But Blaine… that kid had no one, Kurt, no one to put him first, to make sure he knew he was a priority and that he was loved. You were his entire world, and you brought him into our lives. You can't blame me for loving him like he was one of my own sons, just like you can't blame me for loving Finn. We don't have the same blood, but we are still a family."

Kurt had been stunned into absolute silence. He had always known his father had taken to Blaine – they used to watch sports together, Blaine visited Burt in the garage at least once a week, and he was always there for Friday night dinner – but he had never known just how much the relationship with the boy had meant to his dad.

"I'm sorry if this hurts you, Kurt. You know I would never do anything to hurt you in any way. I just… I needed to be honest with you, buddy."

Kurt let out a sound that was halfway between a sob and a laugh. "Despite whatever bond you created with Blaine, I can't believe you still love him more than my fiancé. You like the boy who broke my heart a thousand times more than you like the man I'm about to marry."

He could practically hear Burt frown all the way from Ohio. "Who says I don't like Alex? I think he's a good man."

"Come on, Dad. Even Alex knows you're the president of the Blaine Anderson fan club," Kurt replied. "I can't force you to love my future husband as much as you loved Blaine, but can't you at least be more subtle?"

There was a moment of silence that Kurt took to mean his father was agreeing to his request without wanting to admit his son was right. "You never answered my question. How is Blaine?"

Kurt let himself fall backwards until he was lying on the bed and staring up at the ceiling. "I'm not sure. I only saw him for about a minute before he pretty much slammed the door in my face. But he's… different. Very different." Kurt stopped, remembering the boy he knew and the man he had seen this morning. "He's nothing like the boy I fell in love with. He's like a completely different person now and I… I don't know. I don't think you'd like the man he became, Dad."

The words fell between them, heavy and charged with more questions neither had the answers to.

"What are you going to do, Kurt?" Burt asked then, and that seemed the heaviest of questions.

Kurt sighed. "I'm going to find a way to make him sign those damn papers and then I'm going to get on a plane and go home to my fiancé," he answered honestly. "It's been ten years, Dad. There's nothing else for me to do."

There was a pause, heavy with the words Burt wasn't saying, but Kurt was glad he didn't get into it. He already had a headache.

For the first time in his life, talking to his father about something that was troubling him didn't help Kurt in the slightest.

* * *

Kurt startled awake the next morning, still in yesterday's clothes, with his cell phone gripped tightly in his hand. He couldn't remember falling asleep. He had been so scared of missing Blaine's call if he did, that he tried distracting himself with reality television, sitting on his bed without getting undressed, convinced that would help. It had been in vain, apparently, and now he didn't only have a crick in his neck from sleeping in the most uncomfortable position ever… he was also furious.

What was Blaine's deal? Why couldn't he even bother contacting Kurt? Didn't he understand that it was urgent for them to talk? Couldn't Blaine get the hint, considering they hadn't talked in a decade, that whatever Kurt had hunted him down to discuss was probably important?

Seeing his ex-boyfriend, so different from the boy he had fallen in love with, had confused Kurt so much, he wasn't sure how to proceed any more. He hadn't expected this to be so hard. He wasn't foolish enough to expect it to be easy either – it was bound to be awkward, at least – but he had expected Blaine to co-operate. He hadn't expected Blaine to raise a wall between them before Kurt even had the chance to _explain_.

Kurt banged the phone down on the bedside table, and was immediately afraid he had cracked the screen. After checking for damages and finding it unscathed, though, he gave a long, frustrated sigh, and looked out the window. It was late morning already, and he wasn't sure how to approach the issue at hand. Would returning to Blaine's apartment solve anything? He needed to talk to him, to force him to listen, but something told him that Kurt needed to understand a bit better first.

He needed answers, and there was only one man who could provide them.

* * *

Waiting all day was difficult, but Kurt knew it was his best option to ensure he caught him at home. The house would be empty if he went earlier, so he summoned the patience he didn't have and waited until the afternoon shifted into evening before making his way back to Cooper's home.

Kurt exhaled in relief at finding both cars were parked in the driveway when he arrived. As he walked up to the front door, he let his blue eyes wander up towards the house – most of the lights were on, so if he needed any further confirmation that the family was inside, now he had it.

Kurt wasn't sure how Cooper would react to a second visit or if he would even want to talk to Kurt again. Talking about Blaine didn't seem to be something Cooper was precisely eager to do, so Kurt imagined asking about his little brother for a second time in two days would just be pushing it a little. He hoped Cooper was in a good mood, at least.

He knocked and waited, rocking back and forth on his heels, slightly, needing to channel his anxiety somehow. It didn't take long for the door to open, but it felt like an eternity to Kurt – he just wanted to be on a plane back home, to New York.

Cooper appeared before him, wearing a light blue button down with the sleeves rolled up and the top two buttons undone. His messy hair and wrinkled pants made him look more casual than Kurt had ever seen him. He was also wearing a smile that made him look ten years younger, and Kurt could hear the girls' voices travelling from somewhere else in the house.

"Come on, Daddy, it's _your_ turn!"

"Just a minute, baby girls!" Cooper called over his shoulder, before turning back to Kurt. The smile disappeared gradually as he studied Kurt attentively. "I knew I would be seeing you again…"

"I'm so sorry for bothering you again," Kurt muttered sincerely. Their previous encounter had been sufficiently awkward and Kurt hadn't intended to go through it again. "It's just…"

When Kurt couldn't find the words, Cooper seemed to understand, because he simply nodded and moved aside, allowing Kurt to step into the house. "Come on in."

"Darling? Who's at the door?" Madison's voice said from down the hall, before she peeked her head around the corner to see. She seemed surprised to find Kurt there. "Oh, hey! How are you?"

"Hi, Madison. I'm really sorry for dropping by uninvited again…" Kurt said uncomfortably.

"Oh, that's no problem at all. We're about to sit for dinner. Would you like to join us?" She asked politely.

Kurt glanced at Cooper. "I can make this very quick. I just… I have a few questions."

Cooper put a hand on his shoulder and smiled bitterly at him. "If this is about Blaine, it won't be quick, I'm afraid. Let's eat something and we can talk after."

Kurt hesitated for only a second. His need to know more was stronger than his need to escape the awkwardness. "Okay. Thank you."

He followed Cooper into the living room, where the girls were sitting on the floor, around what looked like a Barbie board game. Kurt hadn't had much of a chance to really look at them the previous day, but he was struck now by their resemblance to Cooper. The twins were all Anderson – from the bone structure to the wavy hair and the stunning eyes. Kurt was sure he could even see some of Blaine in them, if he looked carefully enough.

One of the girls stood slowly and hugged her father's leg. "Who's this, Daddy?"

"This is Kurt," Cooper informed, stroking his daughter's hair affectionately and smiling down at her. "He's, uhm, an old friend of mine."

The other girl stood, too, but offered her hand to Kurt confidently. Kurt had to bite back a smile. She seemed to have inherited Cooper's open personality. "Hi, I'm Ava."

"Hi, Ava. Nice to meet you," Kurt said with a smile.

"She's my sister. Her name is Olivia," Ava continued, pointing at her twin, who was still glued to their father.

"Hi, Olivia," Kurt offered, leaning a little closer and waving at her.

Olivia waved shyly, but didn't move from her shelter behind her father's legs.

"Cooper? Can you get the girls to wash their hands? Dinner's ready!" Madison called from the kitchen.

"Of course, sweetheart!" Cooper replied, taking his daughters' hands. He gestured towards the next room. "Make yourself comfortable in the dining room. I'll be right back."

Kurt wandered into the dining room just as Madison was carrying a huge bowl of mashed potatoes into the room and putting it down on the table. There were another two bowls with peas and salad, and a big plate with grilled chicken fillets. It looked homey and welcoming, and Kurt couldn't recall the last time he had had a real homemade meal, with all the fixings – he had been so busy with work and the wedding plans lately, that all he could remember eating was take-out. Alex wasn't as skilled as he was in the kitchen, but Kurt simply couldn't find the time to buy and prepare enough ingredients for a nice dinner.

"I'm sorry for interrupting your family time and dinner," Kurt said, a little embarrassed. He should've thought this through a little better. "I didn't mean to cause any trouble."

"Oh, please, it's no trouble at all," Madison assured him warmly. "There's plenty of food for all of us and… well, if I have to be honest, I'm sort of relieved that you are here. Cooper doesn't really talk about it, but I know he worries about his brother…"

"What happened to Blaine? I saw him yesterday and…" Kurt shook his head sadly, not knowing how to describe what he had found.

Madison's lips formed a tight, straight line. She didn't seem very eager to talk about Blaine, either. "I think it would be better if you and Cooper talked about it. I'd rather not get involved…"

Kurt frowned in confusion. It had sounded like Madison was just as worried about Blaine as Cooper, but now she sounded uncomfortable, as if even the mention of her brother-in-law made her uneasy.

Before he could decide how to ask about Blaine, Cooper was back with the girls. Kurt was surrounded by the commotion made by the tiny tornadoes, as the girls took their seats and had their plates filled. He watched Cooper and Madison interacting with the girls, and felt like he was in a different world. His nephew was the only kid he was used to having around, and Chester didn't do much except for sleeping, eating and crying when he needed his diaper changed. Kurt knew that it wouldn't be like that for very long – he was Rachel Berry's son, after all, – but this was different. Cooper was different. The Anderson boys had certainly changed a lot and in very unexpected ways since he had last seen them. Cooper was a nice surprise – he seemed happy and he clearly loved his family very much – but Blaine… Blaine was a whole different matter, altogether.

Ava didn't want her peas and Olivia wasn't thrilled about the chicken, and Kurt watched the little family interact, argue about such simple things, and tried not to scream at the top of his lungs. It was like being back in Ohio, trapped in the triviality of it all, and wishing with all his heart he could escape and find a better and more exciting life for himself out there. California was nothing like Ohio, but right now he needed New York. He wanted the fast pace and crowded streets, the full schedule and the hectic social life. How had Cooper ended like this? For men like Cooper and himself, family life sounded suffocating. They had always wanted so much – and though Kurt had once dreamed about having kids, he couldn't picture himself with them now. It seemed like all children would end up doing would be slowing him down, and there was still so much Kurt wanted to do and see…

When they finally finished eating, Madison ushered them to the living room so they could talk, and Kurt would've sighed in relief if it wasn't because he didn't want to be rude. Cooper made sure the girls were gone before he turned to Kurt.

"So…" He started, letting Kurt take the conversation wherever he needed it to go.

"I'm guessing you know why I'm here again," Kurt muttered, taking a seat and looking up at Cooper.

"Well, I know you're not here to get a different address where you can find Blaine, because you know that's the only one I had… so yeah, I guess you found him and now you want answers," Cooper replied with fake calm. He began picking the toys the girls had left around the room and throwing them into a big pink basket by the wall.

"He looked… awful," Kurt said, for lack of a better word. "What the hell happened to him, Cooper?"

Cooper didn't answer right away. He took his time to phrase his answer carefully. "He made some bad decisions."

"I can see that," Kurt exclaimed. "But I don't understand. He's nothing like the boy I knew. I barely recognized him, Cooper. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because it wouldn't have made a difference if I did. You still would've gone seen him."

Kurt couldn't argue with that, but he still wasn't happy that Cooper hadn't even warned him about what he was going to find when he knocked on Blaine's door. He crossed his arms over his chest. "Why did you give up on him?"

That seemed to get Cooper's attention. He turned to Kurt abruptly and pointed at him with the teddy bear he had just grabbed from the floor. "I did _not_ give up on him. He gave up on himself." His voice was tight and strained, and Kurt guessed this was a sensitive topic. "You have no idea how many times I saved his sorry ass, how many times I tried to talk some sense into him, how many times I defended him even though I knew he was wrong. He jeopardized my marriage more times than I can count because he couldn't stay out of trouble, couldn't keep his shit together, and I had to make a choice, Kurt. I love him to death but he's not a kid anymore, and I have my own family now. He can't come first anymore."

Kurt was more and more confused with every word Cooper said. "I don't understand! I mean, yeah, he was a mess when I saw him. There was a guy walking out of his apartment, someone he had obviously hooked up with the previous night, and he was still drunk and his vocabulary wasn't what you would expect from a Dalton boy, but… I don't get it, Cooper. This is Blaine we're talking about, how did he end up like this?"

"He exploded. You know how he is, always bottling everything up inside until he can't take it anymore, and then he snaps. Only this time… the explosion was so big it couldn't be contained. He dropped out of college a semester before graduation, started hooking up with anyone who had a pulse and then… then he started drinking." Cooper sounded defeated, as he sank into the couch. If he had looked ten years younger when he opened the door for Kurt an hour ago, now he looked ten years older. "I thought he was having some sort of crisis, that he would get over it soon… but he didn't. I tried talking to him, I tried to convince him to go back to school, but he wouldn't listen. The only time he seemed like his old self was when he was around the girls. So I invited him over every weekend, put the babies in his arms and hoped for a miracle." Cooper ran a hand through his hair and sighed sadly. "Then one night, he convinced Madison and I to go out for dinner for our anniversary. He convinced us to let him babysit, and I was sure everything would be alright, that a night in with his nieces would settle him, help him see that he was making a mistake…"

Kurt felt a chill down his spine. He had a feeling this wasn't going to end well.

"Madison and I arrived home around midnight, and we could hear the babies crying from outside," Cooper continued, and it was obvious that he was trying to control his rage, because his voice trembled slightly with every word. "Madison went to the girls and I found Blaine passed out drunk on the couch. The room was a wreck, Kurt. There were empty bottles and shattered glass everywhere, and all he was able to say to me was that he had been watching a movie that set him off and he lost control. He _lost control_, Kurt, while being in charge of my daughters. My six month old babies had been screaming at the top of their lungs for God knows how long, and his only excuse was that a movie had upset him. What was I supposed to do? I kicked him out of the house, told him I didn't want to see him again anywhere near my family until he got his act together, and I haven't seen him since. It fucking broke my heart to do it, Kurt, but I can't have him around my daughters. I just can't."

Kurt hated to admit it, but he knew Cooper was right. Those sweet little girls could have been hurt that night, and he understood now why Madison had sounded so torn between being worried about Blaine and not wanting to know anything about him.

They were silent for a few minutes. Cooper had explained, and now he was allowing Kurt some time to process. It was still difficult to connect the sweet boy they had all known to the man Blaine was now. There were still many blanks to fill, Kurt discovered; Cooper hadn't answered every question he had, but at least he knew why the brothers had grown apart.

"Did he sign those papers for you?" Cooper asked at last, watching Kurt intently.

Kurt shook his head tiredly. "No. He didn't even let me explain why I'm here."

Cooper sighed once more and stood. It seemed like the conversation was over. Kurt guessed there wasn't much more they could say. "I'm sorry. I wish I could help you, but…"

"It's okay. I get it," Kurt smiled sadly at him. "I'll find a way to talk to him. He'll have to listen, one way or the other."

Cooper didn't look very convinced at all. "Good luck with that."

* * *

**Lots of questions were answered in this chapter, but I'm sure there are a few new ones, as well! There will a lot more Blaine soon, I promise. I hope you liked it. Please review and let me know what you think!**

**I'll see you again on Saturday! Have a lovely week!**

**Love,**

**L.-**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi guys! Happy Saturday.**

**I hope you had a fantastic week. I want to thank you for the amazing reviews – it means a lot to me that you take the time to check for updates and reach each chapter. I'm very glad you all seem to be enjoying it!**

**I would also like to thank, as usual, my betas, for being so fucking awesome – Wutif and Christine.**

**I own nothing! Enjoy!**

* * *

After his second visit to Cooper's, Kurt was discouraged and worried. He had to accept that the quick trip to Los Angeles to get his divorce papers signed wouldn't be so quick, after all. Getting Blaine to cooperate would require patience and a bit of time, it seemed, things Kurt didn't have much of at the moment.

And still, he couldn't help but be worried about Blaine. After what Cooper had told him (and even though it hadn't been the whole story, it had been enough to understand that things were _bad_), he couldn't stop thinking about him. Was there anything he could do to help him? Would Blaine even accept his help? What had happened to him? How had he gotten so lost, when it seemed he had such a bright future ahead of him in high school? Kurt could have believed this from pretty much all of his friends and classmates, but not Blaine. Never Blaine. Blaine had always had as much drive and ambition as Rachel, and Kurt had been convinced that it was just a matter of time before Blaine's name was in lights in some theatre. Knowing he not only hadn't made it, but had also lost everything, given up and ended like this… it was too much. It hurt Kurt, even though he hadn't seen his ex-boyfriend in so long, even when things hadn't ended very well between them.

Kurt looked down at the planner he had opened on his lap. He really was running short on time. There was still so much to do for the wedding, and he needed to be back in New York as soon as possible. His email inbox was filled to bursting with messages from his co-workers but he couldn't bring himself to read any of them now. His head was elsewhere, and it would only result in bad decisions. He couldn't afford to lose his job, on top of everything else. It was the only thing in his life that seemed stable right now, the only thing he could really rely on.

Kurt sighed tiredly and dialed his fiancé's number.

It took a moment for Alex to pick up, so long in fact, that Kurt had been about to hang up and try again later. But then his fiancé's happy voice with his thick accent echoed from the other end, and Kurt was relieved. This was familiar, this was good, and exactly what he needed.

"_Mon ange_… I was just thinking about you," he said, and Kurt couldn't hold back his smile.

"Hi, honey. How are you? Are you busy?" Kurt looked down at his watch and quickly calculated the time in New York.

"I'm at a shoot, but we're taking a break," Alex replied, before taking a sip of water. "What about you? Are you at the airport already? What time does your flight get here?"

Kurt braced himself before he spoke again. God, this was going to _suck_. "I… no, honey. I'm in my hotel room. I'm not coming back today."

"Why not? You couldn't get a flight?" Alex asked, but didn't give Kurt enough time to reply. "Oh no… you haven't found him, have you? You couldn't get in touch with him or his brother?"

"It's not that," Kurt said, and gosh, he almost wished it _was_ that. "The address I had for Cooper was the right one and he gave me Blaine's address. I… I found him, but…" Why was this so difficult? It wasn't his fault. "Blaine hasn't signed the papers yet, honey."

The moment of silence that followed seemed heavy, charged with something Kurt couldn't even identify.

"_What do you mean he hasn't signed the papers?_" Alex exclaimed, clearly displeased.

"I'm sorry, Alex. It's just… a little harder than I thought it would be," Kurt explained, desperately. "I need a few more days…"

"A few more days? What for? He needs to sign those papers, Kurt. Why is he refusing anyway? He doesn't want to give up being married to you? Is that what he's doing?"

It was never easy arguing with Alex, especially when he was like this, and Kurt just _didn't have the patience for it_. "He hasn't signed them because he doesn't know about them yet. I didn't even have the chance to explain why I'm here. I saw him for less than two minutes. There wasn't time to bring the papers up…"

"You've been there for like, three days! What have you been doing? Sightseeing?" Alexandre's voice got louder and though Kurt understood why his fiancé was so upset, he wasn't in the mood to be yelled at.

"Look, Alex, I'm doing my best here, but… Blaine isn't okay," Kurt continued, with the last vestiges of tolerance he had left. "He's not the same boy I once knew, and it's difficult getting to him. He's… troubled, and this is a very delicate situation. It's clear that he doesn't want to see me, and he's avoiding me."

"Kurt, _mon ange_," Alex murmured, and Kurt knew he was struggling just as much as him to keep his composure. "I understand. I know you want to be a good person and that you don't want to do this the hard way… but we are getting married in just a bit over a month, Kurt, and there's still so much to do. We don't have time for this. We don't have time for _him_."

"Alex…"

"If he's troubled," Alex continued, without even acknowledging Kurt's interjection, "then let his brother deal with it. You just force him to sign those damn divorce papers and come home."

Telling Alexandre that Cooper wouldn't deal with Blaine either was pointless. No one cared about Blaine anymore, at least not enough to step up and do something. Maybe Cooper had tried, maybe it was true that he had to put his family first… but wasn't Blaine just as much a part of his family as his daughters were?

Kurt wasn't justifying what Blaine had done, but… why was nobody helping him?

Someone called Alex back to work, and he heard his fiancé huffing on the other end. "Kurt, I…"

"I know," Kurt interrupted. He needed to hang up. His head was about to explode. "I'm doing my best, Alex. You have to believe me. I'll be back as soon as I can."

After saying their goodbyes, Kurt put his phone down and stared at his planner again.

Everything suddenly felt a million times more difficult than it had before.

* * *

Kurt stood at Blaine's door once more. He had to take a deep breath before knocking – now he knew what he would find on the other side. Yes, he wanted Blaine to sign the divorce papers, but he also wanted to talk to him, to learn how things had gotten so out of hand… it didn't even need to be a very long conversation. It didn't mean he would have to stay in California for many more days. He just wanted to know what had happened to him. He wanted Blaine to fill in the blanks left by Cooper's version of the story.

Kurt knocked and stood very straight, head raised and body tight. He felt as if he was wearing armor, but despite how curious and, yes, concerned he was about Blaine, he wouldn't let him see him sweat. After all, Blaine had broken his heart (it didn't matter that they had been practically kids – age was just a number, but a broken heart was _a broken heart_), and Kurt wanted to look, to _be_ strong in front of him. He wanted to show him he had been able to get back on his feet and find happiness, even when he had felt like Blaine had torn his life to pieces back then.

However, the door remained closed. Kurt knocked a few more times, but no one opened, or even acknowledged his presence. Maybe Blaine wasn't home?

"Blaine?" He called anyway, stepping closer to the door. "Blaine, it's Kurt. If you're there, open up. We need to talk."

He tried the doorknob, but the door was locked. He sighed in frustration and pounded on the door a little harder.

"Blaine?" He raised his voice a little louder. It was midday, but perhaps Blaine was sleeping… nothing could surprise Kurt any more, when it came to his ex-boyfriend. Again, there was no response. Kurt rested his forehead on the worn wood and closed his eyes. Why was this so difficult?

He opened his messenger bag and grabbed his note pad and a pen. He quickly scribbled a note on it:

_Blaine, please call me as soon as you see this. I'm serious. We need to talk. Please, it's important._

_Kurt._

He added his phone number again under his name, for good measure, and then slipped the note under the door.

Kurt hated this, feeling like he had no power over the situation. Everything – Kurt's entire _future_ – was in Blaine's hands. Once upon a time, nothing would have made him feel safer. Now, it only filled him with dread.

He turned around and walked down the hallway, down the stairs and out of the building. He made sure his phone was charged and not set to silent as he left. This was a call he couldn't afford to miss.

Half an hour later, Kurt found himself in a coffee shop in downtown Los Angeles, killing time. He had brought his laptop with him, so he forced himself to focus on work for a little bit, and read through all of his emails, replying to the desperate cries for help from his co-workers. He read through a few files that his secretary had sent him and worked on some of the content for the website, all while checking his cell phone periodically. Still nothing. Blaine didn't call.

Once he was done with work, and through his second cup of coffee, he switched to his wedding plans. He grabbed his planner and went through it for the millionth time. He still needed to pick the china and was completely undecided regarding the center pieces. Every little detail to take care of gave him a headache. Wasn't this supposed to be a pleasant part of the process, too? Why did planning his wedding feel more like a duty, a task and a burden he needed to get over with? He pressed his fingers to his temples and massaged lightly. He wanted everything to be beautiful, but he wasn't even sure he'd be able to walk down the aisle and actually get married. Not if Blaine didn't sign those damn papers.

He thought back to his father's wedding. He had been so excited to be in charge of it when he was back in high school – he had appreciated the distraction from school and the constant bullying he faced every day, but he had never enjoyed anything as much as he had enjoyed choosing the colors, his dad's suit or even choreographing the dance for the church. He had enjoyed it so much that he had even considered becoming a wedding planner instead of pursuing Broadway or fashion. This was his wedding, why was it so hard to look at how everything was coming together and just smile and be happy?

Maybe because the path down the aisle was covered in rocks and obstacles he hadn't prevented.

* * *

Of course, Blaine never called back. Kurt waited and waited, drinking coffee and trying to focus on everything he could get done for the wedding from afar, blue eyes slipping towards the silent phone next to him every now and then, and had to resist the urge to punch something. Breaking his hand with the coffee shop's wall was the last thing he needed right now.

He packed his things hastily and left, immediately flagging down a cab and giving Blaine's address to the driver. The man looked like he wanted to start some friendly conversation to pass the time while he drove through Los Angeles' busy streets, but he must have seen Kurt's murderous look on the rear view mirror, because he clamped his mouth shut and simply drove.

It was getting darker, and by the time the cab stopped in front of Blaine's building, the sun had gone down in the horizon. Kurt grabbed his wallet and fished for some money, and when he looked up to thank the driver, he saw Blaine walking out of the building and starting to head down the street.

Kurt gripped his messenger bag and fled from the car, practically tripping on his own feet in his haste to reach Blaine. He hadn't gotten very far, hadn't even reached the corner yet, but Kurt didn't want to risk missing him. He went a little faster, eyes glued to the back of Blaine's head of messy curls.

"Blaine!" He called.

Blaine looked over his shoulder. His eyes were dark and fixed on Kurt for just a second, before rolling them, clearly irritated. "What do you want? I'm busy."

Kurt stopped in front of him, thankful for his gym membership and all his cardio classes, because his breath hadn't even hitched in his hurry. "I went to your apartment today…"

"Yup, I know. I saw the note," Blaine said and then turned on his heels and continued walking as if Kurt hadn't even spoken.

"Wait!" Kurt huffed, annoyed. "I meant what I said. I really need to talk to you, Blaine. Can we go back to your apartment?"

"No," Blaine replied, looking ahead and pushing his way through a group of teenagers gathered together in the corner. Kurt apologized and pushed past them too, afraid he might lose Blaine if he wasn't quick enough.

"Blaine…" His voice had a warning, now. He was done wasting his time.

"Look, I'm going somewhere. I can't talk now," Blaine explained vaguely, sounding just as annoyed.

"It won't take long. An hour, at most. It can take five minutes, if you just shut up and listen," Kurt insisted, taking a few strides until he could put himself in front of Blaine, effectively blocking him. "Please. I wouldn't bother you if it wasn't important."

Blaine didn't look at him. His eyes – where was that beautiful caramel shade Kurt had loved so much when they were younger? They looked so dark and dull… – were set on a point over his shoulder. His lips were curled, showing how displeased he was with this. Kurt had time to take a good look at him – at the worn dark denim jacket and the snug black V-neck underneath; at the tight jeans with a rip just above his left knee and the beat-up Converse shoes. Kurt frowned, wondering where all the bowties, the hair gel and the cute cardigans were. Kurt had changed his own style several times over the years, but Blaine… these clothes weren't him.

Or, at least, they had nothing to do with the boy Kurt remembered. Maybe these clothes reflected who Blaine was now.

Blaine grunted. "Fine. You can come along, if you want."

He didn't wait for Kurt to respond. He simply began walking again, barrelling across the intersection, in spite of the red hand instructing them to wait. Kurt followed, raising his hands in apology at the driver who blasted his horn at him impatiently.

"Can't you slow down?" He asked, stepping beside him at last, and glaring at him.

Blaine didn't even have the decency to look back and check if he was okay. He ignored him and Kurt realized it would be absolutely pointless to try to start a conversation before they arrived wherever they were going.

Fortunately for Kurt, the place Blaine was heading to wasn't very far. After turning another corner, Blaine stepped inside the door to a bar. Kurt frowned before following – it was the kind of place where the main character in a movie always got into trouble and ended up with a broken nose. It was small, dark and seedy-looking. There were a few sad-looking business men practically lying over the bar, two huge men who looked like they belonged in a gang, a few women laughing in a corner, and just a handful of wasted-looking people were dancing listlessly near a jukebox.

"I… can't we go somewhere else?" Kurt asked hesitantly.

"Nope," Blaine replied, already taking a stool at the bar. "I like it here."

Kurt thought of their night at Scandals when they were teenagers. That tacky little hole in the outskirts of Lima seemed almost glamorous now, in comparison. He still held his head high and took the stool next to Blaine's, as the bartender handed Blaine a beer and he dropped a few dollar bills onto the counter. Kurt shook his head when the man looked at him, as if waiting for him to order. Kurt didn't dare drink anything here – it looked less than hygienic.

"When you said you were busy, I assumed you had something actually important to do, instead of coming to this… this _place_," Kurt muttered. He placed a hand on the bar and retrieved it immediately – the wooden surface was sticky and disgusting.

"Stop being such a fucking snob and have a drink," Blaine said angrily. He leaned over the bar and called for the barman. "Hey, Johnnie, get him a beer, would ya?"

"No, no! No beer for me, thank you!" Kurt said, but the man ignored him and placed a bottle in front of him. Kurt tried to protest, but it was useless. "I… okay."

"Where did you find this one, Anderson?" Johnnie asked with a laugh, taking a good look at Kurt's clothes and stiff posture.

"High school sweetheart," Blaine sneered, hunched over his bottle. The bartender laughed again, before walking away to get to another customer.

"I don't see what's so funny," Kurt huffed, not sure if he should feel insulted or not.

Blaine took a long swig out of his beer, without saying anything, and finally looked at him, just as Kurt wrapped his hand around his own bottle, thinking just a little sip wouldn't hurt, just so he wouldn't look like a _snob_, as Blaine had so kindly put it. He could feel Blaine's eyes on him as he raised the bottle to his lips and as the taste flooded his mouth, he remembered why he usually preferred wine.

"You're engaged?"

The question was so sudden, it startled Kurt. He glanced at Blaine and saw his gaze was fixed on the hand he was using to hold the bottle, the one with his engagement ring. He didn't notice how strained Blaine's voice sounded; he simply sighed in relief at having an opportunity to broach the topic so soon.

"Yes," Kurt nodded, as a little smile slipped onto his lips. Blaine's eyes went back to his own drink. "The wedding's next month. His name is Alex, and I met him through work. We've been together for a few years. He's really great." He cleared his throat, getting ready. "I… that's the reason I'm here, actually. You probably won't believe it – I know I had trouble believing it when I found out, but when we went to get our marriage license last week, I found out something pretty crazy."

Blaine spun his stool, now facing the group of people dancing and the ones sitting at the tables by the opposite wall.

Kurt didn't let Blaine's silence discourage him. "Blaine, I… I don't know how it happened, not for sure, at least, but I do have a pretty good guess, but I… uhm. Well, we're married. You and I."

Blaine didn't even move. His dark eyes were sweeping through the crowd that had been thickening slightly since they had arrived.

Kurt bit his lip. "I guess it happened in Vegas, when we were both there for Mike's bachelor's party? I really can't remember much from that weekend, but it's the only occasion we've been together in a decade, and the dates seem to match, so…"

_God_, he needed him to _say_ something. Why did he have to be so difficult?

Kurt rummaged in his messenger bag, ready to get Blaine to sign those papers so they could go their separate ways. It was obvious that Blaine wasn't in the mood for conversation. He couldn't keep trying to get through to a man who clearly didn't want anything to do with him – he needed to go back to New York.

"I know this is sudden and you probably have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, but I need you to sign these…" Kurt stopped talking, papers halfway out of his bag, and looked at Blaine in confusion as he stood and walked away from the bar, straight towards the group of people dancing by the jukebox. "Blaine?" He called, but was ignored again.

He watched in shock as Blaine leaned close to a man with dark hair and tanned skin who was sitting at a table. The man's eyes became hungry as Blaine whispered in his ear, and whatever he was saying seemed to have the desired effect, because the stranger stood and wrapped his arm around Blaine's waist. Blaine guided him to where the others were dancing and pulled him closer, bodies glued together as they swayed with the music, slow and sensual, staring at each other in a way that could only be described as dirty. Kurt could see the man burying his fingers in Blaine's curls while Blaine's hands slid down to get a handful of his ass. The stranger pressed his lips to Blaine's, and it was easy to see, even from a distance, how Blaine parted his lips and swallowed the man's tongue, greedily pulling it into his mouth.

Kurt turned away and drank a long swig of his beer. What the hell was Blaine doing? Had he even listened to what Kurt had just told him? He hadn't expected Blaine to start crying and screaming when he found out they were married, but he hadn't expected total indifference either. This was a big deal and they had to do something about it. Blaine couldn't just pretend it wasn't happening – maybe he didn't give a damn, but Kurt did. Kurt wanted to get married, and didn't have time to wait around for Blaine to get his head out of his ass.

Setting the beer down abruptly on the bar, Kurt glanced back at the dance floor. They were making out now, hot and heavy, and one of Blaine's thighs was between the man's legs. They were grinding against each other, not caring that they were in a very public place, and Kurt could swear he heard them moan over the loud music playing in the bar.

And he was just fed up with all of this.

Kurt stood and marched towards Blaine with a determined, furious look on his face. God, he _hated_ this new Blaine. Whoever he had become, it made Kurt ache for the sweet, loving boy he had once fallen so desperately in love with. It was such a tragic loss, if _this_ was what his Blaine had grown into. He wished he could just walk away and forget he had even seen him like this, but he knew he couldn't. He couldn't go back to Alex without getting divorced first. He was stuck here until Blaine Anderson decided to listen, and oh, _Kurt would make him listen_.

He grabbed Blaine's arm and tugged, hard, pulling him apart from the dark, handsome stranger. He stood between them and shot the stranger a murderous look. "Go. Away."

He must have looked particularly dangerous, because the man raised his hands as if in apology and immediately turned and got lost amongst all the other sweaty bodies moving together. Kurt turned to Blaine, then, ready to smack some sense into that asshole.

"Hey!" Blaine exclaimed, annoyed. "I was gonna fuck that!"

This wasn't his Blaine. His Blaine was lost, buried, gone forever. But Kurt didn't have time to feel sad for that wonderful boy he had loved so passionately, because he was _pissed and so done with this_.

Once again, he grabbed Blaine's arm and hauled him through the crowd towards the door, ignoring his protests. He hadn't realized how stuffy the air was inside the bar, until he pushed the door open and exited, feeling the breeze on his face.

He pushed Blaine against the wall, not hard enough to bruise, but hard enough to make him pay attention and stepped closer to him, pressing a hand against his chest to keep him there. Kurt Hummel could be the most patient of men, but he had reached his limit. "You're going to listen to me whether you want it or not, Blaine! You're going to listen to me and then you can go back inside and fuck that floozy, or whoever else you want! But first I want you to stop being an idiot for five minutes, grab a goddamn pen and sign the goddamn divorce papers so I can go back to New York and marry my fiancé!"

Blaine's eyes were boiling with emotion, like a tornado fighting its way to the surface. He slapped Kurt's hand away from him and then closed his fingers around Kurt's wrist, tightening his grip there and backing him against the wall instead, crowding close and almost pressing their foreheads together. Kurt could feel his breath against his skin. "_Do not fucking touch me, Hummel, if you know what's good for you._"

Those words made Kurt freeze – was that a threat? Was Blaine threatening him? In the years they had known each other, Blaine had provoked an almost endless array of feelings in him, from happiness to sadness, from ecstasy to rage. But he had never, ever been frightened of Blaine, not like he was now. His breath hitched in his throat, and he wondered if he had pushed far enough that Blaine would actually hurt him. He hated that he thought Blaine was capable of hurting him.

Blaine was breathing heavily. His eyes were wide and his whole body was shaking, like he was trying really hard to control himself and just couldn't find the strength to do it. Kurt's face must have been priceless – he could feel the color draining from his cheeks, and he was sure he was pale as ghost, completely shocked and horrified.

Blaine let go of him abruptly and took a step back. He lowered his head for a moment, and then simply turned and walked away quickly, in the direction of his apartment. A couple walking by actually moved out of his way, willed away with the force of his anger, and stared at him until he got lost around the corner.

Kurt realized he was shaking uncontrollably, unable to stop. He bit back a sob – _him, why _him_, he was the one who was never supposed to hurt me, what happened to him, how could he _do_ this, what would he have done if I pushed farther, why am I so stupid_ – and then slipped down the wall and onto the dirty concrete floor, because his legs couldn't hold him up anymore.

He clutched his messenger bag to his chest and waited for the unrelenting panic to fade away.

* * *

_Why did he have to get so close? I can't deal with that, I can't control myself when he's so close to me… _

_I just wanted to… he was _so_ close. One kiss, just one kiss… _

_I haven't felt his lips on mine in so long…_

_God, it hurts. It hurts, so much. It'll never stop hurting._

_He's engaged. Of course he's engaged. _

_Stupid, stupid, stupid. You're just so stupid._

_You just keep fucking everything up, Blaine. You're worthless, you're nothing, and now he hates you even more than he already did…_

_Why, goddamn it, why did he have to get so close?_

Blaine Anderson slammed the door to his apartment closed and didn't bother to turn on a lamp. He was used to the darkness surrounding him, anyway.

* * *

**I hope you liked it. Next chapter is one of my favorite, so I'm pretty excited about it. please review and let me know what you think!**

**Have a wonderful week. Thank you for reading!**

**L.-**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey guys. I hope you're having a nice weekend.**

**Here's chapter 6 – I really liked writing this chapter, so I hope you'll enjoy it as well.**

**Thanks to Wutif and Christine for their help, as usual.**

**I own nothing.**

* * *

"I've got your back."

Kurt followed him up the stairs as he took a deep breath. Blaine, so polite and completely out of place in his pressed uniform, stood in front of Karofsky with a gentle smile.

"Excuse me!"

Karofsky's face was hard and cold as a stone as he looked down at them. His eyes turned darker as they moved from Kurt to Blaine and back. "Hey there, lady boys. Is this your boyfriend, Kurt?"

"Kurt and I wanted to talk to you about something…"

Kurt remembered the nauseous feeling, lips pushing on his, strong hands on his face… he barely missed part of the conversation, as Karofsky got more and more furious with every word Blaine said, and finally took Blaine by the blazer and pressed him against the railing. Blaine's face went a little pale, as he raised his hands in surrender, and Kurt had to do something, couldn't stand watching this wonderful boy – the only person who cared – be pushed around for him.

"Stop this!" He squeaked, as he pulled Karofsky off him. Karofsky mumbled under his breath and walked away.

Once they were alone again, Kurt slumped onto a step, and Blaine had joined him, still supportive and concerned.

"Why are you so upset?"

"Because until yesterday, I'd never been kissed. At least… not one that mattered."

He could see Blaine sucking his lips into his mouth, thoughtful and sad, so compassionate that it made Kurt want to lean against him, close his eyes and _forget_.

"Come on," Blaine said, putting a hand on his shoulder, squeezing slightly. "I'll buy you lunch."

Kurt stood, followed Blaine down the stairs, blue eyes fixed on the boy's back, and thinking, for the first time, _he makes me feel so safe_…

* * *

The Night of Neglect had been… well, a disaster. Kurt sighed sadly. McKinley couldn't recognize _talent _even if it hit them in the face…

Blaine had been quiet since they had left the school, and Kurt glanced at him, taking his eyes off the road for just a second to check on him. Blaine's hazel eyes were staring vacantly out the window, appearing to be deep in thought.

"I'm sorry," Kurt blurted out. He was still so nervous about this, about _them_. Everything still seemed so delicate and new. "This probably was a terrible date idea. You can pick where we go next time and I…"

"No, Kurt," Blaine turned to him, smiling comfortingly. His hand found Kurt's, warm and soft, and squeezed. "I had a wonderful time. Your friends are amazing. I feel bad that they didn't get the audience they deserved, but hey, it all turned out okay in the end, right?"

"Right," Kurt nodded. God, he loved how Blaine's hand felt on his. He still couldn't believe he was allowed to hold that hand whenever he wanted now. Would Blaine mind if he never, ever let go…?

They stayed silent for a couple of minutes, before Blaine cleared his throat.

"You, uhm, you really miss McKinley, don't you?" Blaine asked, but it wasn't really a question. He knew. "Dalton isn't your home."

"I…" Kurt hesitated. Dalton really was great, with its amazing no tolerance policies and polite preppy boys who didn't even look at them twice if they walked down the hallway holding hands. But, McKinley… all his friends were there. His brother was there. The Glee club where he had learnt how to be who he was despite how hard it could be was there. "Yes, I miss it. But I still like Dalton! It's just… different."

"I know. I know you still struggle, that you still haven't found your place there and I wish… I wish I could help you find it," Blaine looked sad and Kurt wanted to wrap his arms around him and tell him everything was okay. "If there was a way for you to go back, would you?"

Kurt felt guilty. Dalton offered him what no other school in the area could, including a perfect boyfriend. Why would he ever want to give up that to go back to McKinley and be surrounded by bigots and bullies? Still, he couldn't deny that it was where he belonged. "Yes. Yes, I would." He bit his lip, kept his eyes on the road, before he asked: "Would that… be okay with _you_?"

Blaine knew what he was asking. Kurt wanted to know if their relationship would survive, even if they couldn't see each other every day. Blaine squeezed his hand again. "Kurt, I'm all for it. I want you to be where you're happiest, but most importantly… I want you to be safe. You need to be safe, Kurt. That's all I care about."

Kurt was glad to see Blaine's house and he pulled into the driveway a little less carefully than he usually would. Blaine let a little sound of surprise escape through his lips as Kurt pulled him into a deep kiss, but immediately kissed back, just as enthusiastically. And as their lips moved together, Kurt thought, _oh, he makes me feel so safe_…

* * *

In retrospect, it had been the stupidest thing they had ever done. A musical duel, really? In a dark parking lot in the middle of the night? Had they actually thought this would solve _anything_?

It wouldn't have been the first time Kurt received a slushie to the face, and though it wasn't exactly pleasant, feeling the red-colored ice dripping down into his clothes, it wouldn't have been the end of the world. Humiliating, yes, as usual, but not the end of the world.

When he saw Sebastian wrapping his fingers around the cup, he knew he barely had the time to close his eyes and at least avoid that nasty burning sensation that lasted for hours. He began turning his head and getting ready for the slap of coldness, and then noticed movement out of the corner of his eye.

The loud, pained scream pierced the night. Everyone stood, frozen and stunned, watching as Blaine fell to the ground, holding his hands to his face. Kurt's breath hitched in his throat and he dropped to his knees.

"Sweetheart…" He murmured, and he was so scared. He put his hand on Blaine's back softly, leaning closer to check on him. "Sweetheart, what's wrong?"

Blaine couldn't reply; he could only scream and squirm on the floor. Something was terribly wrong. Kurt wasn't a stranger to slushies and though this was Blaine's first, the shock couldn't be enough reason to scream like this.

Someone called an ambulance – Santana, Kurt thought, barely able to hear her voice in the background as he held Blaine in his arms and bit his lips to try to keep the tears and the horror at bay. What had they done to that slushie? What was wrong with Blaine?

It was a very long night. Kurt hadn't been allowed into Blaine's room as the doctors examined him, so he had called his dad, crying desperately into his phone. He alternated between pacing the waiting room a million times and sitting, snuggled against his dad's side, too afraid to keep on moving. It was almost four in the morning when they let him see his boyfriend.

Blaine was half-sitting on the hospital bed, and there was a large bandage around his right eye that enveloped one side of his head. He looked completely worn out, but he managed a tiny smile when he saw Kurt walking into the room.

"Oh, Blaine. Are you okay?" He sat on the chair next to the bed and immediately gathered his boyfriend's hand between his, massaging his palm tenderly.

"Doctor said I'll need surgery," Blaine slurred, clearly high on painkillers. His fingers twitched, as if trying to hold his boyfriend's hand, but they refused to cooperate.

"You're so silly. You're so silly, Blaine," Kurt sobbed. "Why did you do that? Why did you have to jump in front of me?"

"You need to be safe," Blaine smiled sleepily. "Always gonna keep you safe…"

Blaine had fallen asleep immediately after those words, and Kurt had stayed there, holding his hand until the nurses kicked him out, and thought _he always makes me feel so safe_…

* * *

The first time they made love with more than their mouths, their hands, and their bodies rutting together until release washed over them, Kurt had been terrified. He couldn't deny it. He had been fantasizing about this moment for weeks now, but as Blaine kneeled between his legs and licked his lips, he couldn't help the way his hands were shaking.

"We don't have to do this, if you don't want to," Blaine said soothingly. Kurt's eyes traveled down his boyfriend's body, to where he was hard and eager to please. Kurt had never thought he could be hungry for someone, but god, Blaine made him feel like he was_ starving_.

"I want to. I really do, I just…" Kurt tried to smile, to shrug his nerves away. "I'm a little scared."

"Don't be," Blaine leaned over him, until he could press his lips to Kurt, sweet and swollen after the time they had spent making out half naked on his bed. "I'll stop whenever you want me to. I'll give you all the time you want. I'll always keep you safe."

Those words made Kurt relax – his body was suddenly loose and liquid, and his skin didn't feel as tight. There was throbbing _want _beating all through him, filling him with the kind of desire he had never experienced before. He loved this boy – this _man_ – with all his heart, with all his soul.

After a little fumbling, a few awkward chuckles and the shock of Blaine pushing in for the first time, Kurt breathed in and out quietly, adjusting to having his boyfriend buried all the way in and pulsing deep within him. They had never done anything this intimate, no matter how many times they had gotten off together. This was a whole new level of intimacy, and Kurt treasured the first couple of minutes, because even though he was overwhelmed, he knew he'd always want to remember this. Like this, in Blaine's arms and as connected as two people could possibly be, Kurt thought, _he makes me feel so safe_…

* * *

Kurt stared up at the ceiling, silent and still completely shaken from what had happened with Blaine. Memories from when they were together back in high school seemed to choke him as he lied there, trying to make sense of things. How had the only boy who had made him feel safe, become the man capable of scaring the shit out of him while pushing him against a wall and threatening him?

It was painful, realizing that the happy memories he had managed to save after the break up were crumbling before his eyes now, so many years later. It was hard accepting that his boy, his wonderful Blaine, the one that had made him reach the stars, was gone and wouldn't come back. The man that stood in his place wasn't even a shadow of the Blaine Kurt had known and loved so deeply. He was a stranger and Kurt couldn't even recognize the same hazel eyes. Everything had changed.

_Do not fucking touch me, Hummel, if you know what's good for you_.

Kurt closed his eyes, shifted to lie on his side and hugged his pillow to his chest, burying his face in it and not allowing himself to cry. He had already cried over Blaine far too much for one lifetime.

More than ever, Kurt wanted to be back in New York. He wanted the hectic city to erase his worries, to ease his mind, to distract him. He wanted to forget this side of the world existed, this city on the opposite side of the country, full of sunshine and optimism, where he'd found only disappointment and sadness. He didn't want to be here. He wanted to put Blaine behind him again – what a cruel universe, forcing them back together like this, re-opening wounds that had stopped bleeding long ago and that would leave new scars.

But how could he go back to New York? Just thinking of facing Blaine again made him sick, but he knew going back without those papers signed was simply not possible. He had a life waiting for him in New York that was currently on stand-by. He needed to get divorced to get its wheels rolling again.

Kurt let out a shuddery breath. He just hoped that the ghosts that were joining him during this trip would stay in Los Angeles once he was finally able to leave. He didn't need them following him.

Blaine had been part of his past for a very long time now, and that's exactly where Kurt needed him to stay.

* * *

Kurt couldn't make himself go back to Blaine's apartment the following day. He told himself he was giving Blaine time to cool down and process what he had told him at the bar, but deep down inside, he knew that was bullshit.

He didn't go because he was scared of how Blaine would react when he saw him again.

* * *

With his fingers wrapped around a cup of coffee, Kurt waited. He closed his eyes and inhaled the magnificent scent of his mocha and pretended he wasn't sitting in the hallway, with his back against the wall, but on his comfortable chair at his office, getting his caffeine fix before another long day in the fashion business.

He felt defeated, sad, spent. Even though he hadn't moved from his hotel room the previous day, it hadn't changed the way his body seemed to be completely worn and exhausted. Everything that had happened in the past two weeks – and all the wedding planning – was finally catching up with him. He was ready for all of it to be over. And there was only one way to finish it.

That's why he was waiting, sitting on the floor of Blaine's apartment building and hoping for some kind of miracle, for a flash of kindness, for some unexpected luck.

Kurt finished his coffee and put the cup on the floor next to him to throw away later. There was a notebook with an endless list of wedding things to do in his bag, and he had brought his iPad with him, but he knew he was in no state of mind to focus now. Once this was over, he would be able to put all of his time and effort back into his dream wedding. For now… there was only Blaine.

Unpredictable, explosive Blaine, with the empty eyes and no vestiges of the sweetness that had been so characteristic of him years ago. He was an empty shell now, and Kurt felt bad for him, but there was nothing he could do. If his own brother couldn't help him, then Kurt had no chance at all. Their paths had taken different turns a very long time ago – Kurt couldn't force himself back into Blaine's life and save him.

He rubbed his tired eyes and sighed. He had told himself it would be possible that he would have to stay here the entire day, and it could still be in vain. The time seemed to drag too slowly with nothing to occupy him, but his worries. He thought about calling his dad, but he didn't know what he was going to say to him. _Hey Dad, remember the sweet boy you loved like your own son? Well, he isn't sweet anymore, Dad. He scares the living shit out of me. He pushed me, he threatened me. I don't think the Blaine we knew exists anymore. I think that Blaine is _dead_, Dad…_

Even though the sun was shining outside, it was cold inside the building. Kurt opened his bag and rummaged through it, looking for the scarf he usually carried…

The door next to him opened and someone exited the apartment. Kurt looked up, startled, and found Blaine, standing there and looking down back at him. Something was different from the last time he had seen him – he seemed just as tired as Kurt. His hair was a mess, his clothes were wrinkled and there was thick stubble on his jaw. Even though Kurt knew he wasn't the dapper Dalton boy anymore, he was shocked at how unkempt he was.

Kurt wasn't sure what to say. Blaine had to know why he was there. He waited, because he knew Blaine would tell him to get the hell away from there, and then maybe Kurt could… could what? Beg? If it came to it, Kurt would beg. He needed that signature. If Blaine wanted to get rid of him, that was the fastest way to achieve it.

But then Blaine, once again, shocked him. He sighed tiredly and asked, in a rough voice, "Are you hungry?"

Kurt blinked up at him, completely baffled, and it took him a few seconds to realize he had to actually answer. "Yes, yes, I could eat…"

He scrambled to his feet while Blaine locked his apartment door, picking up his empty cup to dispose of in the first trash bin he could find, and then they went down the stairs and out to the street, in silence. Kurt took the chance to glance at him – he was wearing old jeans and a black Ramones t-shirt that would've made a lot more sense on someone like Noah Puckerman than on Blaine Anderson. There were dark marks under his eyes and he really did look tired.

Like that night when they had gone to the bar, Kurt followed Blaine wordlessly, although Blaine's pace was gentler and easier to keep up with this time. Kurt was uncomfortable and wishing he could break the uncomfortable silence between them, but at the same time, he didn't know exactly what to say. Silences between them had never been uncomfortable – they had always been filled with significant glances and sweet smiles. They had been so connected that words weren't necessary most of the time, even before they became boyfriends. They had always been on the same page, and it was weird, fidgeting because of the _need_ to say something – anything.

It seemed that was one more thing to add to the list of things that had been lost forever.

This time Blaine guided him to a small diner, where the air was thick with the smell of greasy food. Blaine slumped into a booth and Kurt took the seat opposite his, looking around and wondering when the health inspector had last come into this place.

Before he had time to find something to say to Blaine to break the ice, a waitress stopped by their table and popped gum loudly, looking down at Blaine.

"Hey, Anderson. You want your usual?" She asked. Blaine nodded without paying much attention to her, and then she turned to Kurt, looking him up and down. "Well, would you look at this. You brought one of your boys? What are you going to have, cupcake?"

Kurt blinked stupidly. _One of your boys? _What did that mean? How many boys were there? Kurt shook his head – he had seen one guy coming out of Blaine's apartment and then he had witnessed Blaine trying to pick up another the following night. He didn't need the exact number. He _knew_. "Oh, ah… I'll have the same as him."

"Alright," the girl turned on her heels and marched away. Kurt watched her – she had tattoos on every single inch of visible skin and messy black hair. Her eyeliner was a little smudged and she was wearing patent leather shoes that had been out of fashion for at least half a decade.

He cleared his throat and turned back to Blaine, who wasn't looking at him. "So, uhm, what did I order, exactly?"

"Cheeseburger and fries, nothing special," Blaine shrugged and started playing with a napkin. His shoulders were hunched and he looked as if he hadn't been to bed in a week. "Don't ever order coffee here, though. It's like drinking sewer water."

Kurt made a face. If that's what they did to coffee, could he trust them with an actual meal? What kind of meat was he about to eat? He tried not to think much about it. He wasn't here to eat, not really.

The waitress was back with their food shortly after, and they still hadn't been able to find a way to start the conversation they obviously needed to have. Blaine seemed incredibly reluctant to talk or even make eye contact, but Kurt was determined to settle this today, once and for all. He couldn't waste any more time.

Blaine devoured his burger voraciously, as if he hadn't eaten in a century. Kurt stared at him from across the table, unable to stop himself from picturing Blaine back in high school, when he used to eat as if he were part of the royal family, even using fork _and _knife to eat a salad. He had been such a proper boy back then, the ideal boyfriend to introduce to your parents. No wonder Burt had loved him instantly – Blaine had been a real gentleman, a Disney prince reincarnated.

Kurt chewed his food a little slower, a little more delicately. He couldn't drag this out anymore. He needed to do it. Quick, just like ripping off a Band-Aid. "Look, Blaine, I…" He sighed. "I know this is weird. I know it's sudden and very, very awkward, but we really do need to talk." He took a sip of his soda and cleared his throat, trying to find the right words. "I didn't have much time to process this either – I only found out last Thursday, when Alex and I went to get our marriage license. It was… shocking, to say the least, but I'm running on a tight schedule. The wedding's next month – April 24th, to be exact – so there really isn't much time to process, I know. I… well, I just made a few educated guesses, I believe. I'm pretty sure it happened during Mike's bachelor's party, because that's the only time we have seen each other in the last decade. I don't remember much from that weekend – just a lot of booze and way too many boobs for my taste."

He paused, gave Blaine the chance to say something, but Blaine remained quiet, with his head lowered and his eyes fixed on his food, as if he had never encountered anything as fascinating as a cheeseburger.

"I _need_ to get back to New York. I wish I could give you more time to understand what's going on here, but I need to finish organizing the wedding and I need to go back to my office before heads start rolling…" Kurt massaged his temples. God, just thinking about it stressed him. He couldn't wait until he was married – it meant he was free for two weeks for his honeymoon. Which… they still hadn't finished planning yet either. Oh shit. Shit, shit, shit, _he needed to go back_. "I'm sure you'll be relieved to get this over with, too. I mean… I'm not entirely familiar with your current situation, but a surprise husband isn't something ideal, is it? Uhm…" Kurt grabbed the divorce papers from his bag and a pen. He put them on the table. "It's just a signature, and then I'll be out of your hair. I promise, you won't have to see me again."

He slowly pushed the papers with the pen on top across the table toward Blaine.

He could feel his heart thumping against his chest, as he waited for Blaine to _do something_. God, this could be over so, so soon. It was just a quick little thing. A little scribble over the papers in the right spot, and everything would be in the past…

Kurt practically cried in relief when Blaine grabbed the pen and glanced over the papers, reading them vaguely. He clicked the pen a few times, the sound of it barely making it to Kurt's ears amidst the noise of the diner, while his other hand gripped the edge of the table so tightly that his knuckles were white. And then, finally, he positioned the pen over the line where he was supposed to sign.

Kurt held his breath. _This was it_.

Blaine, though, exhaled shakily and looked up at him for the first time since he had come out of his apartment. Kurt was suddenly struck by how expressive his eyes looked – they weren't dull anymore, but filled with conflicting emotions.

"I…" Blaine hesitated. He swallowed with difficulty and tried again. He looked vulnerable and Kurt was taken aback with the sight of him. "I… do you know what date it is today?"

Kurt frowned, confused. What did that have to do with anything? "Uh…"

"It's March 15th," Blaine replied in a low, almost timid voice. Kurt's eyes widened a bit, but when he showed no other signs of recognition, Blaine said: "T-thirteen years ago, I found you in the common room in Dalton and kissed you for the first time."

Kurt didn't know what to say. He hadn't thought of that day in so long. The last few times he had thought about Blaine, he had only remembered the heartbreak, the loneliness, the pain. How had he forgotten _this _day? How did Blaine remember it so clearly?

When Kurt remained silent, Blaine's head jerked back down to stare at the papers, as if ashamed to bring it up, especially when Kurt didn't seem to remember it. His hand shook, and Kurt could visibly see him struggle to just_ sign them_.

And Kurt knew he would hate himself for stepping back when he was _so close_, but he would've hated himself more for doing this now, when it was so evident Blaine was having trouble with it.

He put his hand over the papers and took the pen out of Blaine's hand. He couldn't ask him to do it. Not like this, not now. Blaine gazed up at him, startled. "I guess I can wait one more day," Kurt murmured quietly, putting the papers and pen back in his bag. "At this point, it won't make much of a difference."

Blaine swallowed again, as if trying to get rid of a lump stuck in his throat. "Okay." He stood up on wobbly legs, a little too abruptly. "I'm going to the bathroom for a moment. I'll be right back."

"Sure," Kurt nodded politely, and focused on his French fries. Maybe Blaine had changed a lot in the last decade, but he was still very transparent when he needed a moment to regroup.

Kurt nibbled on his cold fries. He had lost his appetite. God, if Alex found out what he had just done, he would be so upset. He could've gone back to New York tonight…

But no. He couldn't do it. It wouldn't be right. That memory was one of the few things that time and heartbreak hadn't been able to taint. He wouldn't erase it with a divorce.

Blaine came back after a couple more minutes. His eyes were empty and dull again, but he looked smaller, as if he was trying to be invisible, hunched in on himself. He stood by the table and dropped a few dollar bills on it. "I should go."

"Oh. Yeah, me too," Kurt stood and grabbed his bag. "Let me pay you back for lunch…"

"No, it's fine," Blaine started walking toward the exit and Kurt caught up to him.

Kurt needed to go in the same direction, but he couldn't bear any more awkward silences. "So, uh… what have you been up to?"

Blaine shrugged, eyes ahead. "Not much."

"What do you do?" Kurt asked, desperate to get Blaine to talk.

"Sometimes Johnnie asks me to tend the bar, when it's a busy night and there's a game on," Blaine explained. "I don't really have a fixed job. I play guitar at a café when they call me, too…"

"Oh, well, that's… nice, I guess. That you still play," Kurt said, doubtfully. Once upon a time, Blaine had spoken about life so passionately – there wasn't anything he wasn't passionate about; there was too much to experience, to see, to do. Now… that passion was gone. "Uhm. What about… what about college?"

Cooper had told him he had dropped out halfway through senior year, but Kurt needed to know more.

Blaine shrugged again. "I went to UCLA, but I dropped out. There wasn't much point in it, anyway."

Kurt ached. God, he ached for this boy. When had he lost his drive, his dreams, his enthusiasm? "I see." Kurt stayed silent. What was he supposed to say or do? "Blaine, I…"

"It's fine," Blaine interrupted, as if he could guess what Kurt wanted to say and didn't dare. _You had such a bright future, so much potential. Why did you give it up? What happened to you? Why did you let it all go?_ They stopped in front of his building. "Well. I'll see you around, then."

Kurt nodded, unable to find the words to say everything he was desperate to say and Blaine turned around to walk inside. But then Kurt impulsively put his hand on his arm and stopped him. Blaine froze and then Kurt was tugging him into his arms, forgetting about how much Blaine had scared him the other night, and holding him so tightly the other man could barely breathe. Blaine's arms hung limply at his sides, as he was stunned by Kurt's sudden closeness.

And then, very slowly, his arms moved up and circled Kurt's back, clinging onto him as if his whole life depended on it. His face nested in the crook of Kurt's neck, fitting there exactly the same way as it had fit there so many years ago. Kurt felt him exhale a shaky breath against his skin.

Blaine didn't let go. It was Kurt who had to step out of the hug, with a little, awkward smile on his lips. Blaine's eyes averted immediately, clearly embarrassed. He wrapped his arms around himself, unsure what to do with them now.

Kurt watched him for just another second. "Take care, Blaine," he said gently, before turning to walk away.

He didn't look back over his shoulder, but he knew Blaine was still there, watching him go.

* * *

**Please review and let me know what you thought about this chapter!**

**I'll be back next Saturday with Chapter 7, which is one of the longest ones in the story. See you guys then!**

**Have a nice week! x**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hi guys! Happy Saturday!**

**I hope you all had a wonderful week. Thank you so much for all the lovely reviews and messages. I'm very happy that you all seem to enjoy this story – I hope that will be the case with this chapter as well! It's quite long, so get comfortable and maybe find some chocolate or a snack :)**

**Thank you Wutif and Christine for your help with this chapter and all the others. And a special shout-out to laurmander who helped me with the geographical/tourist-y aspects of this chapter. If there are many mistakes, they are all my fault, because she was wonderful.**

**Enjoy! I own nothing!**

* * *

A few annoyed New Yorkers turned to glare at her as Rachel Berry pushed her vintage stroller down the street. They were just jealous of how stylish her precious baby was – so what if it was rush time and people were in a hurry and the huge stroller made it hard for them to navigate the sidewalk? It was their fault if they were late. Rachel had never been late to her classes back in college or the theatre once she started working. They had to take a good hard look at their schedules and not at her beautiful stroller. She wouldn't parade little Che in one of those cheap, plastic Winnie the Pooh strollers, god no. She was a star, so her baby was a star, too, and Che Berry-Hudson would only get the best of the best…

She was thinking about stopping to buy Finn lunch at his favorite café, when her phone rang. She stopped abruptly in the middle of the sidewalk (a few people muttered under their breaths, but she ignored them completely) and answered the call with a smile when she realized who was calling.

"Oh, Kurt! Hi!" Rachel exclaimed happily. "I was going to call you later and ask you if you were free for lunch. I'm near your office, actually. Che and I are enjoying an early spring walk in New York City. One of my past colleagues recommended a pre-school for babies and toddlers – I want Che to be immersed in music and art from a very early age, you know, and they have this great little program for babies his age that…"

"Rachel," Kurt finally managed to interrupt. "Please, god, _please_ stop talking."

Rachel frowned. She knew that tone of voice. "What's wrong? Is the throat-cutting fashion industry getting on your nerves again? Finn could stay with Che tonight and we could go out for a few drinks, if you need to vent."

"I can't," Kurt replied tiredly. "I'm in California."

Rachel startled and came to another abrupt stop just as she reached the corner. "What? What are you doing there?"

There was a Starbucks across the street, so Rachel drove the stroller in that direction, and sat at a table near the door (earning, of course more annoyed looks from customers, when she pushed the stroller to make it fit between two different tables). Kurt started talking a mile a minute and it took some time for her to actually process what he was saying.

"Wait," she cut him off after Kurt had been rambling on for about ten minutes. "You… are married to Blaine. Blaine Anderson."

"Of course, Blaine Anderson! What other Blaine could it possibly be?" Kurt exclaimed in frustration.

"And you went all the way to Los Angeles to get him to sign some divorce papers…" She continued, completely stunned.

"Yes. And I almost succeeded yesterday, but I backed off because…" Kurt paused. "March 15th. That was… that was our anniversary. I didn't even remember…"

"And he did?" Rachel asked just as Che woke up in the stroller. She maneuvered the monstrous thing until she could get to her baby and bounced him in her arms a little to keep him calm.

"He's… he's not okay, Rachel. I… there's so much I need to tell you. Do you have time?"

"Of course I do," Rachel replied. "Just give me one minute to get Che's bottle ready and… you know what, I'll get a coffee for myself… just hang on a minute…"

Once she had her soy latte and Chester was happily suckling on his bottle, nestled in his mother's arms, Kurt began to tell her everything – from the moment he had visited Cooper's house, to the first encounter with Blaine, to the scary moment outside the bar and then their lunch. Rachel listened with rapt attention, barely interrupting, which was unusual in her.

"I can't believe this," she muttered at last, once Kurt was done telling her everything. "How is this possible? Blaine was such a bright boy… and he's not doing anything with his life?"

"No. It's like… it's like he's stuck," Kurt said bitterly. "Why would he throw his life away like this, Rachel? I just can't understand what happened to him… and I'm a little afraid to ask him."

"From what you're telling me, I doubt he'd tell you much anyway," Rachel put her cup down on the table and lifted Chester to pat his back until he burped.

There was a moment of silence that stretched thin between them, until finally Kurt admitted, "I want to help him."

"Oh Kurt," she whispered sadly. She had known he would say something like this. "How would you help him? You've just said it yourself – he's not the boy you knew. And if his own brother couldn't help him…"

"So what do I do? Do I just leave him here on his own? What's going to happen to him, Rachel?" Kurt's voice rose, the frustration in it clear to hear.

"You can't stay in California forever. What would you do? Bring him back to New York with you? I don't think your fiancé would be very happy about that…" Rachel pointed out. She smiled down at her son, who was giving her a toothless grin. "What does Alex say about all of this, anyway?"

"Oh god, he's… becoming impatient," Kurt answered with a groan. "I can't blame him, but he just doesn't get it. I know I need to get this over with and go back, but… it's Blaine, Rachel. How can I just walk away from him like this?"

And that was the problem, Rachel knew. Kurt had never been able to walk away from Blaine. After the break up, it had taken him months – god, even years – to finally stop hurting and flinching every time someone mentioned his ex-boyfriend or whenever a song that reminded him of him played on the radio. Katy Perry had been banned permanently – and Rachel was pretty sure that particular ban was still in effect.

She couldn't deny it; she was worried. Even though she had sided with Kurt after the break up, she couldn't help feeling bad for Blaine at the same time. Yes, he had cheated and that was horrible, but… Blaine had always been a lot more fragile than Kurt. Finn had told her about how Blaine had acted in school after that, how he had stayed aside, quiet and broken, how he had never been the same. Even after Sam befriended him and tried to draw him out of his shell, Blaine never went back to the bright eyed boy he had once been.

But Rachel was also inevitably worried about Kurt, because he had managed to build a life he was happy with, and he was on his way to marrying a guy who loved him, but if there was one person who could topple Kurt's carefully reconstructed life back into chaos, that person was Blaine Anderson. And if Kurt stayed in Los Angeles and tried to help him, it was only a matter of time before Blaine made a dent in his heart that he wouldn't be able to fix.

* * *

For the rest of the day, Rachel's words play over and over again in Kurt's head – _Kurt, don't be silly. If you're so worried, just talk to Cooper. Or come back to New York and ask Sam to help Blaine. You know he'll do it gladly, but… you know it's not a good idea, for you to get involved…_

Kurt had to be dumber than he ever suspected, because the next morning he was back at Blaine's apartment, carrying two cups of coffee (_I wonder if he still orders Medium Drip or if that changed, too…_), and with one huge difference that marked the line between doing what he had come here to do and getting involved.

He left the divorce papers on the bed before leaving his hotel room.

Today wasn't about Kurt. Today was about finding out how he could help Blaine. Even if he couldn't save him completely, he wanted to at least push him in the right direction.

This had the potential to go very, very wrong.

Kurt entered the building and walked up the stairs, wondering what he would find once Blaine opened the door… if he opened the door at all. If Blaine went back to avoiding him, he had absolutely no idea what to do next.

However, Kurt had nothing to worry about, because the door opened less than a minute after Kurt had knocked on it… and the sight in front of him made him inhale sharply.

Blaine stood before him with only a towel wrapped low around his waist. His stubble had grown almost into a full-on beard and his hair was a messy mop on top of his head. Kurt couldn't stop his eyes from trailing down to notice the muscles in his arms and abs. The V on his hips was still as pronounced as Kurt remembered it, but the cute soft belly Blaine had had back in high school was gone. He was compact, but as strong and chiseled as a Greek statue…

"Oh, hi," Blaine said, and the tone in his voice didn't give anything away, if he was surprised or annoyed to see Kurt again, he didn't show it.

"Hi," Kurt answered numbly. He cleared his throat and looked up at Blaine's face instead of his hairy calves. "I-I brought you coffee."

"Uhm, thanks. I was about to get in the shower…" Blaine looked over his shoulder at his apartment, hesitantly. "Would you… would you like to come in?"

"Sure," Kurt nodded with a smile, and then Blaine moved aside to let him in.

"I'll be right back," Blaine murmured, before exiting through the only other door, to what must be the bathroom.

Blaine's studio apartment was small and cluttered, though he didn't seem to own much. There was a punching bag hanging from the ceiling in a corner, a kitchenette, an old guitar propped up against the wall, and a bed against the wall under the only window. The sheets were crumpled, as if Blaine had just rolled out and didn't even bother straightening it up. There was a group of empty beer bottles on the floor by the bed, left there carelessly, and one half empty on the bedside table.

Kurt knew he had no right to tidy up other people's places, but god, just standing there in this mess made him twice as anxious as he already was. He put the coffee cups down on the little counter covered in boxes of cereal and Chinese take-out containers and then walked towards what was obviously the bedroom area, though the different zones in the apartment seemed to just mix together. Kurt was already mentally fixing the furniture around and cleaning up the mess – if Blaine didn't have clothes piled up on the floor or boxes that he had obviously never taken the time to unpack, he would've had enough space for a small couch a nice television screen, maybe even a couple of bookshelves and a breakfast bar. Oh, the possibilities…

Kurt started picking up the bottles by the bed, but something caught his attention. There was a photograph on the bedside table – it was old and wrinkled, as if it had been touched, moved and handled too often. Kurt's breath hitched in his throat as his own eighteen year-old face stared back at him, smiling and happy. He remembered this picture – his father had taken it for them just a few weeks before he moved to New York, after having dinner together at his house. Blaine had always been over for dinner back then; he had been pretty much a permanent fixture in the Hummel-Hudson household. They were sitting on the armchair in the living room (god, his father still had that chair), Blaine half on his lap, since there wasn't enough room for the both of them. Their arms were around each other and they were… they were happy. Free, happy and in love. The smile on Blaine's face was so bright it could've stopped traffic. His eyes were wrinkled with it, full of the kind of joy they always felt when they were together.

It tugged at Kurt's heart strings, looking at that picture, because he knew how much pain came soon after. Why did Blaine have it? Did he keep it around or was this just a coincidence? Kurt realized he couldn't think about this now and he didn't dare bring it up to Blaine, so he swallowed the bitterness in his mouth and decided to put it away, because he couldn't deal with it, and he didn't want to look at the smiling faces of two boys who didn't exist anymore.

He opened the top drawer of the bedside table, which had been already half-closed, but then he immediately wished he hadn't.

There was a flask and an assortment of orange pill bottles. Kurt was afraid to touch them and didn't even want to think about them, but at the same time… at the same time, _he needed to know_. He grabbed one of the pill bottles and read the label – it belonged to Mrs. L. Jackson, whoever that was, and it said it contained Percocet. Some other bottles had other kinds of pill, but they were mostly Percocet. Some of them had pills missing and some were full. Had Blaine been taking these pills? Where had he gotten them? They were strong painkillers, why would he…?

He dropped everything back into the drawer and closed it with shaky hands, letting himself drop down onto the bed, because his legs wouldn't support him. God, how could this be happening? Everything was so fucked up. Had he actually thought he could help Blaine with a cup of coffee and friendly conversation? This was so beyond anything he could do…

The bathroom door opened and Blaine exited, already in a pair of jeans, but without a shirt on. He rummaged in a wooden dresser for a moment, and put on a simple short sleeve shirt, in that shade of red that had always looked good on him. His hair was damp and unstyled and as Kurt looked at him, he couldn't help but wonder if Blaine had had any pills before he arrived, if those beers had been accompanied with a pill or two, if he was actually trying to hurt himself _on purpose_…

Should he mention it? Should he ask Blaine about it?

"Is the coffee still good? I could stick it in the microwave, if you want…" Blaine offered, drawing Kurt from his dizzying thoughts.

_This is not the time_, he said to himself. _You didn't even process what you saw yet. You can't just blurt something like this_…

"I think it's fine," Kurt muttered, pasting a smile on his face and getting up to get his cup. He took a sip. It wasn't scalding, but it was still hot enough.

"So, uhm," Blaine played with his own cup between his hands. "I guess you're here so I can sign those papers…"

"No, not today," Kurt said and Blaine's eyes widened slightly in surprise. "You know, it's my first time in Los Angeles, and I would like to see more than my hotel and your apartment. Would you mind giving me a little tour?"

Blaine seemed completely baffled. "You want me to take you sightseeing around the city."

"Well, yes. I mean, if you're busy, nevermind, I can go on my own or we can do it tomorrow, maybe, but… I would like that." God, he was babbling. Was he babbling? He couldn't stop the words from just pouring out of his mouth. He drank more coffee to shut himself up.

"No, I'm not busy," Blaine blinked, still looking at him in confusion. "Are you sure? Because… I know I'm probably the only person you know in this town, but…"

"Blaine, come on," Kurt rolled his eyes playfully. "I wouldn't ask you if I didn't want to spend time with you."

Silence. Absolute and deafening silence. Kurt was worried he had said the wrong thing, but didn't know if taking it back wouldn't just make things worse, so he simply bit his lip and waited for Blaine to react, to say something.

Blaine looked down at his coffee. His hands were gripping it so tightly that the paper cup was giving in under the pressure, but he stopped himself before he broke it and spilled coffee all over himself. "Okay."

Kurt smiled genuinely now. He bounced a little on his heels. "Okay."

* * *

Blaine insisted on taking a bus instead of hailing a cab, like Kurt had originally intended. He said it was better that way, and Kurt didn't question him – he was the one who had lived in Los Angeles for years, after all.

They found an empty seat at the back and sat together, Kurt by the window, so he could look at the city as the moved through traffic at a gentle pace. He had been so busy and worried since arriving at Los Angeles that he hadn't taken the time to appreciate it – it didn't look too different from any other big cities Kurt had been to (though New York was spectacular in its very own way), though it seemed a million times brighter, as if the sun couldn't stop shining over the buildings.

Blaine pointed out a few places vaguely as they passed by, and Kurt started wondering if his idea of a tour was just travelling around town in a bus, because it didn't look like Blaine had any intention of allowing Kurt to see the places they passed any closer.

When they passed by the Walk of Fame and half the people on the bus (tourists, judging by the cameras hanging from their necks and their excited faces) got out to take a look, Kurt cleared his throat awkwardly. Maybe this had been a bad idea. Maybe Blaine just wanted to pretend he was showing him around and do it as quickly as possible so he could ditch him.

"Uhm, aren't we going to go take a closer look at the stars? I'd really like a picture with Bette Midler's…" He asked hesitantly.

Blaine scratched the back of his neck, unsure. "I was planning to show you something else, but we can go see the stars if…"

"Oh!" Kurt exclaimed immediately. "No, no! It's okay. If you have a destination in mind, then we should go there."

"Are you…?" Blaine suddenly seemed very uncomfortable, and Kurt wished he had kept his mouth shut.

"I'm a hundred percent sure," Kurt smiled at him and looked back out the window when that seemed to make Blaine uncomfortable, too. "Are you going to tell me where we are going?"

"Well, we're in Los Angeles, and there is one thing you can't miss when you are in town," Blaine explained. He checked his cell phone. "It's still relatively early, so it shouldn't be too crowded…"

Kurt was soon distracted looking out his window again. There was something magical about being in a completely new place and taking in the views, the shops, the people. He wished he travelled more often (and for happier reasons). It was absurd to think that he spent so much time working so hard for the life he wanted, but when the moment came to actually _live _that life, he was too busy to enjoy it. There were so many places in the world he still hadn't seen… hell, there were tons of places in his own country that he didn't know. Maybe the honeymoon would be a good first step. Maybe he and Alexandré could go on vacation more often…

He was so lost in thought that he hadn't noticed Blaine standing up to get off the bus. He followed him quickly so he wouldn't be left behind and once they were safely on the sidewalk, he looked around.

"Where are we?"

"Come with me," Blaine said.

The traffic and the crowded city seemed to be left behind as they walked, surrounded by tourists, toward an enormous building sitting on a slope. The air buzzed with the conversations carried out in so many different accents and languages. Kurt felt inexplicably alive.

"What is this place?" Kurt asked, shielding his eyes from the sun with his hand so he could look up at it.

"It's the observatory," Blaine replied, pointing at a sign near the entrance.

"Oh! Are we going to look at space?"

"Not exactly." Once they were inside the building, it was a little difficult to move around. Groups of tourists gathered around tour guides and information areas. Blaine however, pointed at the elevator. "This way."

The elevator was almost full already, but the squeezed themselves into a corner and Blaine pressed a button on the panel. Kurt looked at him as he waited to get to their floor.

"You seem familiar with this place," he commented. He wanted to get Blaine to talk. The image of those pills and the alcohol in his bedside drawer were still haunting him, despite the distractions of Los Angeles.

"Cooper brought me here on my first week in the city," Blaine shrugged as if it wasn't a big deal. "Told me he wanted to show me what it was all about…"

Kurt was surprised at the mention of his brother, but he tried to play along. "Did he take you to the planetarium, showed you a star and told you he shone just as brightly?"

Blaine made a sound that resembled a snort more than a laugh, but it was quite humorless. "Not really. You'll see."

Kurt really wanted to ask more questions about Cooper, but he didn't dare. If he wanted to help Blaine, he would have to be patient. If he rushed things, he would only piss him off.

It seemed so strange to walk on eggshells around Blaine, to avoid setting him off. He had always been such a tender boy, so gentle and rational. Kurt had to keep reminding himself that Blaine had grown up into a very different person.

They ended up on the terrace. The view from was simply outstanding, with the skyline of downtown Los Angeles nestled in the surrounding hills, like a concrete oasis. It took Kurt's breath away. Whenever he was in a skyscraper in New York and he looked out the window, they could see a sea of buildings that never ended. Here, however, it was exactly the opposite. It really was beautiful.

"Oh, Blaine, this…"

"Now look this way," Blaine murmured from his side and Kurt turned his head and found himself staring at the famous Hollywood sign. It looked huge from there and most of the people in the terrace were taking pictures of it. "If you're in LA, you _have _to see that."

Kurt leaned against the railing and simply stared at it. He had seen it in many movies and pictures, and though he had never been drawn to Hollywood the way he had been drawn to Broadway, he still had to admit that the sight of it was a little breathtaking.

"Well, I imagine that was a fantastic thing to see in your first week here," he sighed. "Cooper brought you to the right place."

"Yeah," Blaine whispered absently. "I just… I remember looking at it and realizing I wasn't in Ohio anymore. Maybe it isn't that much of a deal when you have lived in New York for a decade…"

"No, I know what you mean. It happened to me too, when I first got to New York. The first time I saw the Empire State and the Statue of Liberty, I…" Kurt bit his lip, suddenly flooded with images of his younger self, in absolute awe. "It's like it hits you that you _made _it, that you are out of that damn little town…"

There were nights when Kurt lay awake in his bed, unable to sleep, and listening to the New York traffic. The city was always alive and buzzing, like it didn't even have time to stop and quiet for a few hours. Those were the nights when Kurt marveled at how far he had come. He had managed to make all of his dreams come true, and he knew he had worked very hard for each and every one of them, but a part of him was terrified that someone would suddenly point at him, tell him he didn't belong there and send him back to Lima.

Kurt closed his eyes and felt the warm California breeze on his face. "Have you gotten to meet any Hollywood stars since you moved out here?"

Blaine leaned on the railing next to him and stared at the sign as he thought. "Mm, a few, yeah. I worked as a waiter for a while back in college and Sandra Bullock came in for lunch. I've seen a few bands and singers I like… oh, and I saw Taylor Lautner once in the street. I thought you would've liked that…"

Kurt chuckled, remembering his crush on the actor back in high school. "Oh god. I'm glad I wasn't there. I'm also glad I got over that crush. He isn't as attractive now as he was when he was younger…"

"You must meet interesting people, too," Blaine commented.

"Yeah, things are quite interesting in the office. I've met pretty much every fashion designer I've ever worshipped," Kurt said as he opened his bag to look for his sunglasses. "Models, too. You wouldn't believe the amount of beautiful people that you can see in just one day. It's unfair." He found them and slipped them on. "Alex is a model too, actually. That's how we…"

Kurt stopped talking when he realized how abruptly Blaine's body language changed. He had been open and relaxed just a second ago, but with the mention of Kurt's fiancé, his back straightened up and he tensed.

They were silent for a minute, awkward, waiting for something to shift between them so they could go back to the easy conversation. Kurt thought then how nice it was to just _talk _to Blaine. The last time they had seen each other – not counting getting drunkenly hitched in Vegas – they had yelled. They had yelled at each other, and hurt each other so much that there had been no other way out but to never see the other again.

"So, uhm. What's our next stop?" Kurt asked, hoping they could get back on track.

It took a few more seconds for Blaine to go back to normal. He shook his head and looked away before gesturing towards the exit. "Come on. We need to take another bus."

Kurt followed him quietly out of the observatory.

* * *

The next bus was more crowded. There was only one seat vacant and Blaine insisted on Kurt taking it, while he gripped the pole closer to him. It seemed to give them an excuse not to find a topic for conversation, for them to push past the sudden awkwardness that had floated around them since they had left the observatory. Kurt hoped their day wasn't ruined – he had plans that didn't involve the destinations Blaine had in mind for them. He wanted to find a way to talk to his ex-boyfriend, to help him, to get a genuine smile from him.

He silenced the voice in the back of his head that said Blaine wasn't his responsibility – he had a fiancé back in New York waiting for him. Kurt wasn't a part of Blaine's life anymore, so why was he so keen on doing something for him?

_Well, he _is _my husband. _

_Oh my god._

The dark cloud behind Blaine's eyes had cleared by the time they arrived at their next stop. There was something stony about his face, like he was trying very hard to control his emotions, to keep a mask on, and Kurt wished he didn't do that. Maybe they weren't close anymore, but they had once been each other's everything – despite all these years apart, things should have been easier between them, and a lot more effortless.

He was so distracted looking at Blaine that he didn't even realize where they were until Blaine pointed at something ahead and Kurt followed his finger. It was the Farmers Market, bursting with activity, tourists and merchants coming and going. The stalls were placed close together, but instead of looking crowded, it just seemed welcoming and warm. The buzz of thousands of conversations going on at once enveloped Kurt like a blanket – it wasn't as energetic and hectic as New York, but it seemed rich and vibrant, in a way he just couldn't explain. New York was colder – business men and women cruising down the streets in a hurry, cruising cabs, nannies with strollers, dog-walkers. Los Angeles was just as busy, but there was a different vibe in this city…

"I really like this place," Blaine said as they walked down the aisles of the market. "I don't know why, but I've always liked it. I always thought you'd like it, too…"

"Healthy food, clothes and skincare products all in one place? It really does sound like my kind of thing…" Kurt teased with a smile.

"There's an antique shop with an incredible collection of brooches. I've found so many you would have loved back when…" Blaine paused, avoiding Kurt's eyes again, looking completely lost. "Uhm. I mean… I don't even know if you wear brooches anymore. That was stupid of me. I'm sorry."

"Are you kidding me? Of course I still wear brooches!" Kurt exclaimed, forcing the smile to stay on his face even though something in Blaine made his insides _ache_. He was so insecure, so nervous and skittish…

They stopped first at a stall dedicated to candles of all types and sizes. Kurt had always loved candles – they were perfect for romantic dinners, quiet nights, relaxing baths after exhausting days at work, or simply for decoration purposes.

"Oh look at this one!" Kurt said, picking up a hexagonal candle in different shades of blue. "Remember that summer before my senior year, when we went to the Farmers Market in Columbus? I bought a candle exactly like this one…"

"Yeah, I remember," Blaine replied in a soft voice.

Kurt picked a set of gardenia-scented white candles, and a big cinnamon one. "I love these. We should get one for your apartment…"

"Oh, no, that's fine," Blaine shrugged. "My apartment's a dumpster. There's no use for a candle there…"

"Well, you _could _pick up all those dirty clothes and make your bed, if you wanted it to _stop _looking like a dumpster…" Kurt said distractedly as he scanned through the candles for another one he might want to buy. "Maybe we can find a big basket for your laundry…"

Blaine rolled his eyes but said nothing.

Kurt giggled with his nose pressed against a soft red candle. "You know what this one reminds me of?"

Blaine took a few steps closer to sniff the candle that Kurt held out for him. "Smells like raspberry to me…"

"It smells like the hair gel you used to use," Kurt added the candle to the ones already in his arms. Blaine, again, stayed silent. "When did you stop using it, anyway?"

"I'm not sure…" Blaine shrugged again. God, Kurt had no idea how to draw him out, how to pry him out of his shell. "Maybe after I dropped out of college. I'm not… some days are a bit of a… a bit of a blur…"

Kurt frowned. Everything that came out of Blaine's mouth seemed heavy. The stories he wasn't telling weighed Kurt down – there was so much about Blaine's life that he didn't understand, couldn't even imagine. How could he help a man he didn't even know how to reach out to? "Do you want to, uhm, talk about it? College?" He offered as casually as he could.

"No," Blaine said firmly, but not unkindly.

Kurt moved up to the counter to pay for his candles and allowed Blaine a minute on his own. Something about his stiff posture told him he might need it. When he was done, he approached him and held out a little bag to him. Blaine raised his eyebrows in a silent question.

"I got two for you," he explained with a quick shrug. "In case you change your mind about tidying up your place."

Blaine peeked into the bag. The cinnamon candle had a powerful but pleasant scent that had reminded Kurt of coffee dates and Sunday afternoons baking in the Hummel's kitchen. The raspberry candle was supposed to hold a light for the boy Blaine had once been, and Kurt hoped it would help Blaine remember who he could be, if he wanted to.

He watched as Blaine swallowed and nodded jerkily, and wondered if maybe he wasn't approaching this in entirely the wrong way.

"Thank you," he muttered tightly.

They kept walking through the market, stopping every now and then when something caught their attention. Blaine took him to a stall that sold amazing skin care products, and Kurt clapped in enthusiasm, always eager to find something new to add to his night time regime.

"I think I'm going to get some for Carole," Kurt said thoughtfully, which resulted in him spending half an hour talking to the seller about different types of skin and what the best treatment for them were while Blaine stood a few steps from them, with a slow smile making its way onto his face as he watched Kurt talk.

He asked Blaine to show him the antique shop next, where he spent another half an hour looking through their brooch collection.

"I have a green shirt that would look amazing with this one," he commented as he examined a silver elephant-shaped brooch with emerald-green eyes, completely unaware of how Blaine's gaze was fixed on him, steady but vulnerable, intent but so very lost.

The clothing stalls were an adventure with Kurt – he loved perusing through the piles of shirts, scarves and vintage blazers. There could be so many treasures in a market like this, if you knew what to look for.

"You know, I should write an article about this for work," he said distractedly, laying another shirt over Blaine's arms, standing patiently next to him, holding everything he found worth buying. "We get so distracted by labels in Vogue, that we forget the amazing things you can find in places like this…"

The next shop they stopped at had an impressive variety of hats, and Kurt's eyes widened almost comically, as he practically thrust his bags at Blaine to get to them. That was the first time in a decade that he heard Blaine chuckling – it wasn't the happiest sound on Earth, but it was something, and it paralyzed him for a second, making him turn to face the boy he had loved so strongly.

"Are you laughing at me, Anderson?" He teased, narrowing his eyes, hoping to keep things light and easy between them.

Blaine sighed and smirked at him. "Some things never change…"

"Shut up and help me take some pictures. This will be the best inspiration for work…" He replied, fishing his phone out of his pocket, unlocking it and clicking on the camera button before passing it to Blaine.

As soon as he started trying on some hats and striking silly poses for Blaine, time seemed to fade away. They were two seventeen year old boys again, being silly and in love, enjoying a summer day together back in Ohio. Blaine's face relaxed and he suddenly looked so much younger, as if whatever weight he had been carrying around on his shoulders had disappeared. Kurt never wanted this moment to end…

Blaine began laughing when Kurt's poses got sillier, but before Kurt could actually let the amazing sound wash all over him, it died as an older woman stood beside Blaine and smiled at him.

"Would you like me to take a picture of you and your boyfriend? I bet you would love to get a picture together…"

Kurt knew the woman was just being kind, and in any other circumstances, he would've appreciated it. "Oh! Oh, no… we're not… he's not…"

"I really don't mind!" She said sweetly. "You two are a very cute couple."

Blaine's face was a little pale and his eyes looked dull and empty once again. He didn't even seem to realize what was happening around him, because the woman was pushing him towards Kurt with a smile, reaching for Kurt's phone.

Kurt was about to comply, because it seemed like the easiest way out, but Blaine turned to the woman and snapped at her, "We're not a couple and I don't want a picture with him. Get lost."

The woman looked at him in shock and took a step back. Blaine looked so incredibly dangerous right then, like he was capable of anything if she so much as breathed too loudly. She raised her hands in apology. "I'm sorry. I just wanted to help. I just thought…"

"Get. Lost." Blaine said through clenched teeth and the woman didn't need to hear those words again. She practically ran away from Blaine, bumping into a teenager in her haste.

It was like being outside the bar again, with Blaine pushing him against the wall and losing control. But with the anger directed at someone else, Kurt wasn't scared – he was just endlessly sad.

"Blaine…" He whispered, approaching him carefully. "You didn't have to… she was just being nice."

Blaine's entire frame was shaking and he seemed to be having trouble breathing normally. He closed his eyes for a moment. "She should have minded her own fucking business…"

Kurt rubbed his arm gently, pretending he didn't feel Blaine flinching under his touch. "You… you really scare me, when you act like that."

Blaine's eyes opened abruptly and fixed on him. There was a storm in them, as if Blaine couldn't settle on just one feeling, so he had to go through all of them. There was something disturbing and sad deep down in them as he said, "I – I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Kurt soothed him, and smiled a little. "There's no need to let this ruin our day, right? Come on, I need to buy some fabulous hats."

He didn't realize he was holding Blaine's hand until he was tugging him along, feeling his hand trembling in his own, and knowing that, even though letting go of it would have been the best, it was too late to let it fall.

* * *

It took a while for Blaine to get distracted and forget about what had happened. Kurt kept the conversation light and made the stupidest jokes he could think of, hoping to get a smile out of him. He made him try on a million fedoras, remembering how amazing he had looked in them in high school, but it just wasn't the same without the cute bowties and cardigans. He didn't know what to do with Blaine's current style – except burn all his t-shirts and get him jeans that fit better.

By the time they finished walking around the Farmers Market, they were both starving. Kurt wanted to go over to The Grove and find a nice restaurant to eat at, but Blaine said he had a better idea, and took them back to the food section in the market, where he bought bread, cheese and fresh spinach and fruits.

"Are we going back to your place to cook? Because I don't think I'll make it there; I'll have to eat that bread on the bus," Kurt said, and his stomach roared in protest.

Blaine shook his head. "Nope. We're not going back yet and you need to wait until we get there to eat."

Blaine allowed him to get a cup of coffee that would help him calm his hunger and then guided him back to the bus stop. They sat together and enjoyed the quiet ride, Kurt sipping his coffee, Blaine sitting by the window and closing his eyes as the sunlight kissed his golden skin.

Kurt wasn't sure if the ride was actually longer or if it just seemed so because he was so terribly hungry, but when they finally reached their stop, he felt as if he had been on that bus for hours. He stretched his arms over his head and threw his empty cup into a trash can.

"Where are we?"

"This is Pacific Palisades," Blaine said, as he made a gesture for Kurt to follow him. "It's my favorite beach. I thought we could have a picnic?"

Kurt grinned widely at him. "That's a wonderful idea."

They walked down to the beach. It was pretty much deserted, the sounds of the city drowned by the crashing waves and the birds flying high above the water. It was a beautiful view and Kurt took a deep breath, loving the salty scent of the sea all around him.

Blaine found a nice spot for them, but then bit his lip. "Oh. I didn't realize… you probably don't want to sit on the sand and ruin your clothes. I'm sorry, I'll go find some…"

Kurt plopped down on the sand before he could even finish talking and smiled up at him. "See? The world didn't end. I'm fine. Now come sit next to me and give me food."

Blaine chuckled, but sat beside him. He used the bag with the groceries to keep the food out of the sand and opened the fruit containers before fixing Kurt a spinach and cheese sandwich. "This isn't the best lunch you can get in Los Angeles, but…"

"It's perfect," Kurt smiled blissfully as he accepted his sandwich, eyes locked on Blaine.

He would have sworn Blaine blushed, before he ducked his head and started working on his own sandwich.

They ate in comfortable silence for a few minutes, both lost in their own thoughts. Kurt was chewing slowly on a strawberry when Blaine spoke again.

"So, I… I've been meaning to ask you…" He hesitated, and it was obvious that whatever question he had was important to him. Kurt shifted a little to face him, hoping that knowing he had his total attention would encourage him. "How's your dad doing?"

Blaine's words struck Kurt's heart. He remembered the conversation he had had with his father just a few days ago, and realized that it wasn't just that his dad had lost a boy he had loved as much as he would have loved his own son – Blaine had lost the only man who had been a father to him.

"He's great," Kurt answered with a smile. "He hasn't had any major health scares in years and he's taking care of himself. He actually… he actually asked about you. I think it was really hard on him, not seeing you again. He really loved you. He really _loves _you."

Blaine swallowed with difficulty and put his food aside. "I'm sure he is happier this way. Why would he want me around? I thought he would be mad at me, and I didn't want to… it was too much."

"You were like a son to him, and you know that," Kurt assured him gently, wishing he could grab his hand, but not knowing if it was a good idea. "Hell, he still has pictures of you all over the house. Of course he cares about you. He misses you. I think he would really like it if you gave him a call."

"I don't really have much to say," Blaine kept his eyes down, as if the sand at his feet was too fascinating to look away. "But I'm glad he's okay. I know he gave you and Carole a hard time when you wanted to change his diet and asked him to cut his hours at the shop…"

Kurt decided it was better not to insist, even though he wanted to tell Blaine how happy Burt would have been to hear his voice even if it was just to say hello. But Kurt knew that pushing Blaine wouldn't help at all. "Well, he has a better reason to take care of himself now. He's a grandpa. If he wants to see his grandson grow up, he needs to stay healthy."

"Grandson?" Blaine finally glanced up at him. "Finn?"

"And Rachel," Kurt nodded. God, who would have thought that his step brother and his best friend would actually last so long and have a happy life together? They had been a mess back in high school. "My dad's absolutely besotted with the baby, and I'm pretty sure Carole was in tears for a month after he was born. He's really adorable, and has all of us wrapped around his little finger already. The only problem is that Rachel called him Chester, so she could shorten it to…"

"Oh no, she didn't!"

"Yes, she did!"

"Che?" Blaine asked warily.

"Yes! Isn't she insane?"

The sound of Blaine's laughter filled the beach. Kurt found himself completely unable to look away from him – it was like staring at a firework, watching it fly up to the sky and explode in a million brilliant colors. It was utterly mesmerizing.

"Wow. She hasn't changed at all," he shook his head, but there was a fond smile on his face, that vanished as soon as he noticed it was there. He cleared his throat. "Well, Burt _is _the best father in the world, so I bet he's the greatest grandfather to ever exist," Blaine added softly and awkwardly.

"He really is," Kurt grabbed a bottle of water, uncapped it and took a little sip. He waited a second, trying to make up his mind, not knowing how badly Blaine would react if he said this… but then he decided to go for it, hoping it would get him to open up and talk. "You know, I… I met your nieces the other day. They are gorgeous."

He knew it was the wrong thing to say only a second after the words were out of his mouth. Blaine's face fell completely and he looked sick and exhausted.

"I'm sure they are. I… I haven't seen them in years," he admitted and the sadness in his voice wasn't very well hidden. "Is Cooper… uhm, how is he?"

"He's fine. Older. Wiser, I think," Kurt muttered, looking at the ocean undulating before them. "He seemed worried about you…"

"He's better off without me," Blaine said immediately, as if he didn't want to leave room for discussion. "We both know that."

"Blaine, I…" Kurt turned to face him again, but Blaine was completely closed off again, refusing to look at him. He was stiff and he had his arms wrapped around his knees, as if it was the only way to hold himself together. "I won't pretend that I understand what is going on with you, because I have no idea and I can't relate to it, but I… if there's anything…"

"Do you love him?" Blaine interrupted, startling him.

"I… what?"

"Your fiancé. Do you love him?" Blaine repeated and his eyes were completely unreadable.

"Yes, of course. He's… he's good. We make sense together," Kurt replied, not sure where this was going.

Blaine nodded and Kurt waited and waited for him to say something else, but he never did. After a couple of minutes, he stood abruptly and started gathering their things.

"We should go. It's getting late and I have to tend the bar tonight," he said, and he was once again avoiding Kurt's gaze like the plague.

Kurt frowned. He had ruined this day, hadn't he? Every time he had opened his mouth, he had given Blaine reasons to look more and more dejected and exhausted. Why couldn't he find the right words to make Blaine see that all he wanted to do was _help_? "Oh. Okay, yeah."

What Kurt failed to understand was that one day – even if it had been lovely, even if the ghost of Blaine's smile was enough to light up an entire room – couldn't fix years of loneliness, sadness and regret. Blaine's pain was too deep to be erased with just a little picnic at the beach and mindless hand-holding. He had walked down one way streets and he couldn't find a way out. He was trapped at the end of a tunnel and no matter how far Kurt's arm stretched, he couldn't offer his hand to Blaine to help him out.

He couldn't save Blaine because Blaine didn't want to be saved, and one simple day wouldn't change his mind about that.

* * *

**Thank you so much for reading! What did you think of this chapter? Please review!**

**I will be seeing you guys again next Saturday for chapter 8! Have a nice week!**

**Love,**

**L.-**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hello everyone! I hope you're having a lovely weekend.**

**I'm back with chapter 8 – definitely one of the most important in the story, so I hope you'll enjoy it!**

**Thank you so much for all the amazing reviews! I appreciate them all so much :)**

**And, as usual, I would like to thank my beautiful betas – Wutif and Christine. They are the BEST.**

**I own nothing!**

* * *

The return to Blaine's apartment was silent. Kurt felt as if a veil had fallen upon them since they had left the beach. Blaine's eyes were as dull as they had been that day at the diner when Kurt hadn't been able to make him sign the papers. Something inside him was crumbling, and Kurt felt helpless to hold him together.

The sun was slowly descending in the horizon as they walked from the bus stop to Blaine's building. Kurt hadn't even thought about going straight to his hotel – he wanted to make sure Blaine made it home okay. Even if Blaine had known the city for years, Kurt couldn't leave him navigating its streets on his own.

"I guess I'll be seeing you soon," Blaine said darkly as they stood by the entrance. His eyes were fixed on something down the street, avoiding Kurt again.

"Yeah," Kurt replied. He felt a bit guilty, even though it wasn't his fault that he needed Blaine to sign the divorce papers. He smiled as brightly as he could. "Thank you for showing me around. I loved all the places you showed me."

Blaine blinked, swallowed and nodded sharply, as if even this conversation was too much for him right now.

"I'm sorry if I… ruined it, a little," Kurt added, biting his lower lip. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I'm sorry."

Blaine finally looked at him. His jaw was tense and there was a sudden fire in his eyes that Kurt had no idea where it had come from. "You don't _ever _have to apologize to me. You have _nothing _to be sorry for."

Kurt was taken aback by the intensity in Blaine's words, and had no idea what to say. "I… Blaine…"

Unable to stop himself, Kurt put their bags down, took a step closer and hugged him. Like every time they touched, Blaine seemed shocked by the contact. Kurt held him tightly and buried his face in Blaine's neck. His skin still smelled the way he remembered it, clean, spicy and familiar. Blaine hugged him back, with his arms so tight around him that Kurt could feel the heat of him deep down into his bones.

Blaine's face found its old favorite spot in the crook of Kurt's shoulder and stayed there. Without even thinking about it, Kurt threaded his fingers through Blaine's hair, surprised for a moment at the lack of gel, but remembering how much he had loved running his fingers through the thick curls on the few occasions he had convinced Blaine to forgo the product.

"I've missed you."

The words were out of Kurt's mouth without him noticing, and he became aware of them after Blaine's little gasp. He thought about taking them back, just so they wouldn't make things even more complicated, but decided against it when Blaine whispered in a low, broken voice: "I've missed you, too…"

They held each other for a moment, losing the track of time completely. There was something soothing about holding Blaine like this, as if he could stop him from vanishing into this new, sad, incomplete person he had become. Kurt scrunched his eyes shut, suddenly overwhelmed with the memories, the broken promises, the unfilled dreams…

They broke apart when Kurt's cell phone rang in his bag. He cleared his throat and pulled away to rummage through it for his phone, finding it just as it went to voicemail. "It's Rachel," he said, not knowing why he told Blaine, who simply nodded awkwardly. "I should probably call her back."

"Yeah, I have to go to the bar soon anyway," Blaine shrugged, completely closed off once again.

"Okay, well…" Kurt took a deep breath and picked his shopping bags back up. "I'll see you soon."

Blaine nodded silently, but his eyes were fastened intently on Kurt, and Kurt could feel his burning gaze as he walked down the street.

When he turned in the corner, he leaned against a wall and closed his eyes.

He had no idea what he was doing anymore.

* * *

That night, Kurt's dreams were filled with memories of that summer day spent in an Ohio Farmers Market, of whiskey-colored eyes and a thousand watt smile. He dreamed of holding a boy's hand in the car, of kissing his lips at the end of the day and discovering they still tasted of the chocolate chip ice-cream they had had before driving back home.

He dreamed of Blaine exactly like he remembered him.

In the morning, Kurt woke up crying.

* * *

That night, Blaine tended the bar as if he was on auto-pilot. There was a constant buzzing in his head that had nothing to do with the loud music, the flowing of the alcohol around him or the voices of the customers coming and going.

When he was getting ready to leave, slipping his denim jacket over his black v-neck to ward off the midnight chill, a man he vaguely remembered having in his bed at least once or twice before leaned over the counter and smiled at him.

"Hey, would you like some company tonight?"

Blaine stared at him as if he had never seen him before. His dark hair and eyes were too foreign, the tanned tone of his skin didn't invite him to run his hands all over him; the hoarse quality of his voice didn't make the hairs in the back of his neck raise in anticipation. The ghost of Kurt's touch haunted him, and this time he couldn't try to erase it with a stranger's warm willing body.

He shook his head – he wasn't big on words anymore, not like he had been back in high school, when he would jump at the chance to express himself, whether it was through song or not.

Blaine walked back to his apartment with his hands buried in his jacket's pockets and his mind swirling with images of Kurt earlier that day – Kurt's playful smile while he tried all those damn hats on; Kurt's eyes bluer than the ocean as they sat close together on the sand; Kurt's arms around him and his face pressed against his neck, while his sweet words washed all over him like a careful caress: _I missed you._

That night, Blaine's dreams were full of Kurt. He dreamed of memories – _I love you too. I was so proud to be with you. I'll never say goodbye to you._

He dreamed of the things they had never done – _Kurt Hummel, my amazing friend, my one true love, will you marry me?_

He dreamed of the things he wished had never happened – _I was with someone_.

It was almost dawn when Blaine woke up, barely holding back the scream threatening to tear his lungs, with tear-tracks down his face and his heart beating furiously and painfully in his chest.

With shaky hands, he pulled open the top drawer in his bedside table, poured a pill on his palm and swallowed it, not even aware of the bitter taste it left in his mouth.

* * *

There was a lovely café down the street from Kurt's hotel and his need for caffeine gave him a reason to leave his room for the first time that day. It was mid-afternoon and he hadn't found the strength to emerge from his room until then – his dreams had haunted him even while he was awake.

In search of a distraction from focusing on Blaine and the divorce, he fired up his laptop, and checked his emails, a mocha in one hand and a bagel waiting on a napkin nearby.

There was a lot to do back in his office – his staff awaited for him to approve some of the content that would go up on the page, and they needed to have a meeting as soon as possible to decide on the theme of a photo shoot planned for a couple of weeks from now. Kurt felt guilty for putting his work aside when his co-workers depended so much on him. He sent an email back with new instructions and scheduled a Skype meeting for the next morning, New York time. He knew he could have asked for a temporary office at the Vogue headquarter in Los Angeles, but it would've been too much trouble, when he had intended to be back in his own city so quickly.

He hadn't expected to find so many setbacks here.

Kurt shook his head – the purpose of this exercise was supposed to be unsnarling his office, not thinking about Blaine.

He replied to every email in his inbox and then opened a new document to make a list of the things he wanted to discuss at their online meeting the next day. There wasn't only the photoshoot to take care of – there was an interview with a fashion designer that he really wanted to get, and he was looking forward to starting a new column, so they would need to hire a new writer to take care of that section. He knew his secretary would be more than efficient and could hire the perfect person without him even needing to interview them to be sure, but he still liked to have control over it. He needed someone fresh, someone with good humor and who wasn't afraid to be honest when…

His train of thought was interrupted abruptly with the sound of his phone. He looked down at the screen and found Alexandre's smiling face staring back at him. He gulped as his finger hovered over the green button.

What was he going to say to his fiancé when he inevitably asked about the divorce papers? There was no way he could tell him he'd spent the whole day sightseeing with Blaine, and hadn't even brought up the subject of divorce once. He knew Alex wouldn't be happy about it, and Kurt was aware that he had no excuse – he hadn't talked to Blaine about it again because a part of him felt like he needed to give Blaine time; time that he and his fiancé didn't have, with the wedding looming closer every day.

His finger slid over the red button instead, accompanied by a surge of guilt. Kurt had lost control of the situation completely, but he didn't know what to do to push it back onto the right track anymore.

He didn't know how to help Blaine without upsetting Alexandre. It was as if those two men couldn't exist in his life simultaneously. And they never were meant to – Blaine was his past, and Alex was his present and future. There would've been no Alexandre if Blaine hadn't made the mistakes he had made back when they were still kids…

Kurt sipped his coffee and closed his eyes, letting the taste of coffee and chocolate wash over his tongue. He couldn't afford to think like that – Alex was in his life because that was his destiny. He was with the man he was supposed to be with. Blaine and him had only kid themselves thinking they could make it…

But then, why had it always felt so real if it was nothing but a childish game?

Because it had never been a childish game. Their love had been bigger than anything else they had known, than anything they could really understand. When they hadn't been sure of anything else, they had been sure that they loved each other, and that nothing would ever change that…

But things had changed. Love can die. Hopes and dreams can be shut down. New beginnings can shine brighter than past fantasies.

Right?

* * *

The next afternoon, Kurt was sitting at the desk in his hotel room, with his computer in front of him and checking his list of discussion topics next to him, as his secretary filled him in on the possible locations they could get for the photoshoot. There was only one more thing to discuss, once they settled for a theme for the shoot, and that was the new column he wanted to add to the site. It was the least urgent one, so he had left it for the end, knowing all the others would take longer. It wasn't a Vogue meeting if there weren't at least a hundred disagreements in the span of twenty minutes.

"Summer is just around the corner; we could do a beach-themed shoot," Sarah suggested.

"That's like suggesting flowers because it's spring. It's been done ten million times," Kurt mumbled dismissively, not even lifting his eyes to the screen, as he scribbled a few notes.

"What about fishing?" Karl muttered hesitantly.

Kurt looked up and stared at him through the computer screen with an arched eyebrow. "Did you just say fishing?"

"My aunt has a cabin and we always go fishing in the summer," Karl explained, not without nerves. It wasn't easy to be in the receiving end of Kurt's Arched Eyebrow. "It would be fresh and water-themed, but it could be cute. You know, rolled up jeans, high-waters, beautiful hats…"

Kurt leaned back in his chair thoughtfully. Fishing was disgusting – his father had taken him and Finn out on a fishing trip the summer before their junior year of high school, and he had stayed under the shade of a tree and as far away from the fish as he could – but the scenery that came with it was kind of charming. Thinking of one of their tall, porcelain-looking models with water up to her knees and trying to hold a fishing rod _was _sort of cute.

He opened his mouth to answer – he was sure Karl was holding his breath as he waited – when his phone rang. He glanced at it and discovered it was Alex again. Kurt knew he couldn't ignore the call again – he would have to face his fiancé sooner or later. And the longer he ignored him, the worse it would be.

"I need to take this call, but I want you to brainstorm locations, outfits and model choices for Karl's idea. Put something together and we'll talk about it then," he said quickly. "Good job, guys."

He disconnected the Skype call and accepted Alexandre's. He took a deep breath to brace himself before putting the phone to his ear.

"Hi honey."

"Hey," Alex said, and god, Kurt could hear the frown in his voice. "Where have you been? I called a couple of times…"

"I know, I'm sorry," Kurt stood and started pacing the room, feeling too stressed to stay still. "I've been busy trying to catch up with work, and it's harder from here, with the time zones and everything… How are you?"

"Well, I would be doing a lot better if my fiancé was home already," Alex answered sharply. "Why is this taking so long, Kurt? It's just a signature on a paper and, _voilà_, you're divorced. You should've been home days ago, already…"

"I know, I'm sorry," Kurt repeated. He closed his eyes. "He… he hasn't signed them yet, but…"

"What do you mean he hasn't signed yet? Kurt, this is ridiculous!" Alex exclaimed. "Is he too much of a brute and he doesn't know how to spell his own name?"

"Alex, don't be mean," Kurt retorted firmly. "I told you, Blaine is having a rough time, and it feels wrong to force him to…"

"I don't care if he's having a rough time or not! You shouldn't have to _force _him, Kurt! Why won't he divorce you? Is he still in love with you? He'd better not put a single finger on you or I will…"

"Stop being such a cave-man," Kurt interrupted, impatiently. "I can't force someone to deal with a divorce when their life is already a mess! Don't you have a heart? I just need a few more days so we can…"

"A few more days? This was supposed to take two, three days at most if you had trouble finding him!" Alex was raising his voice and Kurt's head started pounding like drum. "Give him the papers, tell him to sign them, and come back here. He can mail them to us when he's done with them, and if he doesn't send them back in a couple of weeks, we'll hire a lawyer and _make _him…"

"Why are you being so unreasonable?" Kurt asked, groaning in frustration. "Why can't you accept that I want to help one of my oldest friends?"

"Because he hasn't been your friend in a decade! Because until a couple of weeks ago, his name was practically forbidden in front of you! On one hand, you pretend he doesn't even exist, but on the other, you've kept a box of pictures of you and him, in the back of your closet for all these years."

Kurt gaped like a fish out of the water. "Did you go through my stuff?"

"Let's stop acting like this isn't a big deal," Alex said, ignoring Kurt's question. "When it comes to him, it's always been a big deal. You say you want to help him, but at the end of the day, Kurt, he's the guy who broke your heart in a million pieces. So why is he more important than me? Why does he matter more than our own wedding?"

"I… Alex… what… he _doesn't_! You're my _fiancé_! Why can't you see that?" Kurt sputtered. He felt as if he was choking. There were two hands pressing firmly on his throat and he couldn't fight them off.

"Yeah, but he's your _husband_. And as long as you let him remain your husband… he'll always be more important," Alex replied in a quiet voice. He paused for a second, but Kurt couldn't speak. "The guy from that jazz band you wanted for the wedding called earlier. He wanted to confirm the date with us. Let me know if I should tell him that there won't be a wedding at all."

Alex hung up. Kurt's knees felt like jelly and he let himself down on the bed when he realized they wouldn't hold him up any more. He dropped the phone on the mattress next to him and forced himself to breathe, but the air wouldn't travel to his lungs.

He was choking and he was running out of options.

* * *

Kurt's hands didn't stop shaking on the cab ride. By the time he pounded on Blaine's apartment door, his entire body was shaking as well. He felt sick, and the words Alex had said before hanging the phone didn't help him feel better.

Two weeks ago, his life had been perfect, with the perfect job in the perfect city and the wonderful man who had asked him to be his husband. How had everything gone to hell so quickly?

The door opened revealing Blaine's angry face, who clearly didn't appreciate the abuse dispensed on it. However, when he saw who was standing there, his expression changed completely. His eyebrows rose in surprise.

"Hey," he said. Kurt almost lost his balance, since most of his weight had been put on the door, but managed to catch himself before he stumbled to his knees. Blaine raised his hands, ready to grab him if needed. "Whoa. What's going on? Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not okay," Kurt replied, pushing past him and into the apartment. He turned to face him as Blaine closed the door in absolute confusion.

"What happened?" Blaine asked, and the concern in his voice weakened his knees again, but he ignored it.

Kurt opened his bag, grabbed the divorce papers and threw them towards Blaine. "Sign them. Sign them right now."

Blaine looked down at the papers scattered all over his apartment floor and then back up at Kurt with a frown. "What…?"

"Sign them," Kurt interrupted, and oh god, he was choking again. "No more distractions, no more excuses. You sign those damn papers right now."

Blaine's eyes hardened and darkened; any traces of golden whiskey were gone. "No."

Kurt blinked at him. He closed his hands in fists and when that didn't make them stop shaking, he tried relaxing them. "What did you just say?"

"I'm not signing anything," Blaine answered in a sharp voice. "You come into my apartment, looking like you just got side-swiped by a car, and start yelling at me, demanding things? No fucking way. If you want something from me, I expect an explanation…"

"What kind of fucking explanation do you want?" Kurt exclaimed, exasperated. "We are married, Blaine! We should not be married! We haven't seen each other in nearly eight years! I think that's enough reason to ask you to sign that damn thing!"

"Why are you so suddenly in such a fucking rush? You didn't even mention the fucking divorce the other day! You were perfectly happy skipping around town with me! And now you're so fucking desperate for it?" Blaine yelled back. "What the hell do you…?"

Kurt ran a hand through his hair and cut him off again. "Sign them. Just sign them. I want to go back to New York. I have to go back to New York. I can't keep wasting time here with…"

"With me?" Blaine finished for him, abruptly. "You can't keep wasting time with _me_?"

"Blaine…"

"No, no, it's okay. I've always known you were just wasting time with me. Like what we had ever mattered… it didn't mean a fucking thing to you…" Blaine began pacing the room, angrily. "You didn't want to waste time with me then, why would you want to do that _now_?"

"Blaine, it's not like that and you know it," Kurt said, as soothingly as he could, but he was too far gone, too. He was scared, desperate and tired and he needed this to be over… "But we can't keep doing this forever! I can't put my life on hold indefinitely! We have to put an end to this!"

Blaine didn't say anything. He kept pacing, breathing heavily, like a caged beast that needed to break free.

Kurt closed his eyes and tried to hold back the tears. God, he was so tired… "Please. Please, Blaine. My fiancé practically threatened to call off the wedding if I don't get this over with once and for all. I can't buy us any more time. I can't risk what I have back in New York…"

Now Blaine's hands were shaking. Kurt could see him trying to control himself, but quietly losing it. Why couldn't he just sign those papers? They were making each other miserable like this…

Blaine turned towards his bed and crossed the room in a few long strides. He pulled the top drawer in his nightstand open and rummaged through it until he found one of the pill bottles. He tried to uncap it, but his shaking hands wouldn't let him.

Kurt gasped, and immediately lunged to snatch the pill bottle away from him. "What the hell are you doing?"

Blaine didn't look at him. He kept his eyes down and tried to grab the pills back, unsuccessfully. Kurt could see how tense his jaw was. "Give them back."

"These aren't even yours. How did you get them?" Kurt asked, backing away and holding the bottle out of Blaine's reach.

"Give. Them. Back," Blaine said with clenched teeth. He was like a bomb about to explode and Kurt knew he was standing too close to come out of it unharmed.

"No, stop it, Blaine! Why are you doing this to yourself?" Kurt exclaimed, angrily.

Blaine breathed furiously, like a bull getting ready to face the Matador. "I need them. I'm in pain. _Give them back_."

"That's bullshit! You're just being an idiot because…!"

"I am in fucking pain!" Blaine roared, effectively silencing Kurt and making him take a step back with the force of his voice and the fury in it. "I've been in pain since I was eighteen! Do you even know what it feels like to kill the one thing that matters the most to you? I hurt every fucking single day and nothing makes it stop! So give me those damn pills back!"

Kurt held the pills against his chest and spoke in a shivery voice. "No. Blaine… it's over. It's been ten years. You need to move on. Do something to…"

Blaine finally looked up at him. His hazel eyes were on fire, but Kurt had never felt colder. "You don't think I've tried? Of course I did! I spent _years _trying. But at the end of the day, I knew I was just faking it. I wasn't healing. I'll never heal. I hurt you, I broke us up, I ruined the perfect future we had together, and _this_ is the price I have to pay for that."

The pill bottle was digging into Kurt's palm as he held it with all the strength in his body. It seemed to be the only thing grounding him. "If… if what you need to move on is my forgiveness, Blaine, then you have it. I… I forgive you," Kurt muttered, and those were words he had never thought he would tell Blaine. But seeing him so broken and affected after all these years shattered Kurt beyond repair. He had been so hurt after Blaine had cheated on him, but he had found the way to go on with his life and start over. He couldn't imagine what it had to be like for Blaine, with that same pain and the guilt fermenting for all those years…

"But I don't forgive myself," Blaine whispered, wrapping his arms around himself when he realized Kurt wouldn't give him the pills back, as if he had no energy left to keep himself together. "Look around. Look at my life! I was supposed to get into NYADA, move in with you, get married, get lead parts on Broadway and then put my career aside so I could stay home with our kids and watch them grow..." Kurt felt another stab of pain when he realized Blaine was crying now, tears coming down his face in quick succession, leaving wet tracks down his face. "Don't you think I don't wake up every day and I remember those plans? I can see them in my head like photographs, like home movies of a life I'll never have. You, our kids, our fucking golden retriever, all of us just playing in the backyard, and for once you don't care about grass stains in your clothes because you're with _us_, with your _family_."

Blaine's knees gave out and he dropped on the bed, resting his elbows on his thighs and burying his face in his hands. He broke down completely and Kurt couldn't look away, even as he started crying himself. God, he had wanted those things, too. He had wanted them more than air.

"Blaine..."

"I knew we were married," Blaine mumbled quietly, shocking Kurt into silence. "I remember that night in Vegas. I didn't have as much to drink as you did. I know I should've stopped us or at least told you about it the next day..." He shook his head, and the smile on his lips was the saddest thing Kurt had ever seen. "But I just really, _really_ wanted to be Kurt Hummel's husband."

Kurt's sob threatened to rip him apart. He covered his mouth with his hand as his vision blurred with the tears. Blaine looked up at him, and he seemed smaller, so defeated and empty after his confession. But Kurt finally recognized him in those hazel eyes – the honest, expressive pools of liquid caramel that Kurt had loved staring into when they were young, in love and so damn innocent. Those eyes were now full of sadness and loneliness, and Kurt couldn't even begin to imagine what the past decade must have been like for Blaine.

"I'm so sorry, Kurt," Blaine murmured, and Kurt realized that was the first time Blaine called him by his name since they had met again. That alone was enough to push him over the edge and completely break him.

Kurt dropped to his knees in front of him, letting the pills fall to the floor and roll under the bed. He cupped Blaine's hands and looked him right in the eyes, but couldn't find the words he needed to say. His heart was pounding wildly in his chest and some of the puzzle pieces that had been missing suddenly fit into place and the picture became clearer, even if it wasn't complete yet.

Blaine's bottom lip quivered as he tried to hold his sobs back. Once upon a time, Kurt had known how to soothe all of Blaine's sorrows. Now, everything came back instinctively, and all he could think about what how much he wanted to make him feel better.

He leaned in and pressed his lips against his softly. Blaine gasped into his mouth before they fitted back together in that perfect way they always had. Kurt slid one of his hands to the back of Blaine's neck and pressed him closer, as his heart went out of control and threatened to rip his chest open with how hard it was beating.

Blaine tentatively put his arms around his shoulders, and then they just gave in into the kiss – their mouths still remembered how to move together and their tongues were anxious to know if they still tasted the same. Kurt whimpered into the kiss and closed his eyes tightly, as two lonely tears trailed down his cheeks.

It had been ten years, and he realized he finally felt as if he was coming home.

* * *

**And there it is. Make sure to review and let me know what you thought of this chapter ;)**

**Have a lovely week! See you guys on Saturday. **

**Thanks for reading,**

**L.-**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hi guys! I'm sorry I'm a little late with this week's update, but better late than never, right?**

**I want to thank Wutif for working on this despite not having the time to, and Christine for checking the chapter so quickly (and her lovely reaction to it!). They rock!**

**And thank YOU for all the amazing reviews. I get overwhelmed by the response to this story (and all my stories!) all the time, and I can't stop thanking you for the support. I appreciate it!**

**Enough chit-chat. Enjoy!**

**I own nothing.**

* * *

The kiss finally ended when they were forced to come up for air, breathing hard. Kurt let his forehead lean against Blaine's, his eyes closed, trying to control himself. Blaine's arms immediately tightened around him, keeping him close. Kurt rubbed the pad of his thumb down the column of Blaine's neck soothingly. He could feel Blaine's whole body quaking in his arms.

"Ssh, it's okay," Kurt whispered, when he felt the dampness of his tears against his cheek.

When he finally opened his eyes, he found Blaine staring at him with wide eyes that took his breath away. It was as if Blaine couldn't glance away from him, afraid Kurt would vanish if he did. Kurt could see all the need that Blaine had repressed for so many years pouring from his eyes, so bright and red-rimmed.

"God, you're so beautiful," Kurt gasped with a watery smile, stroking his cheek. "You're not a boy anymore, are you? You've changed so much, but you're still so beautiful…"

"Kurt," Blaine choked out, as if his name was all he could say now.

Kurt pressed their lips together again in a quick peck, and then again when he couldn't stop himself, and a third time when the shivers that it sent down his spine were too wonderful to pull away. Then Blaine took over, desperate for more than the soft press of their lips, kissing Kurt open-mouthed and urgently, causing Kurt to moan quietly and cling to him tighter. Kurt rose higher on his knees and shifted until they were glued together, chest to chest and holding each other with every ounce of strength they had left.

They hadn't experienced this kind of passion again with anyone – it was the kind of passion born from true love, from familiarity, from carefully built trust. It came from knowing each other so well that no one else could tear them apart and put them back together like this. It came from the kind of desire that wasn't only physical, the attraction that went deeper than what meets the eye.

It was the kind of passion that Kurt hadn't been able to feel after Blaine; the kind of passion Blaine had desperately looked for in the men he had slept with, but had never managed to find.

These were flames they could only build together.

Blaine's eyes were filled with hunger, like a man who had wandered in the desert without food or water for way too long. He ran his thumb over Kurt's lower lip, already so swollen and cherry red from kissing. "_Please_," he murmured.

Kurt knew what Blaine was begging for, and he couldn't stop to think about the consequences for even a second. He simply crawled onto the bed and pulled Blaine along with him.

Blaine settled on top of him, looking down at him wide-eyed and amazed, as if he had never seen anything as amazing as Kurt before. Kurt sighed in contentment when his familiar weight grounded him to the mattress and his whole body thrummed with pleasure as if welcoming Blaine back. Their kisses were now slower and deeper, exploratory. Their tongues met and sent sparks of lust all over them, and Kurt buried his fingers in Blaine's hair and played with the thick curls as he parted his lips wider to give Blaine access. Blaine changed the angle, kissing him more fervently, running his tongue over his teeth, the roof of his mouth and every little corner he had missed tasting for so long.

Eventually, he shifted down, letting Kurt breathe, as he kissed down his jaw and to that spot on his neck that he had discovered could turn Kurt into a squirming mess during one of their very first make out sessions. Kurt threw his head back and let him devoured his skin, feeling his cock twitching in his pants every time Blaine sucked and bit a little less gently.

Blaine pulled away and hovered over him, watching him with eyes full of desire. He licked his lips. "Can I? Please, Kurt, let me…"

Kurt was too far gone to care, nodding eagerly, grateful to feel Blaine's mouth back on his neck, close to the base. Blaine's hands worked open the buttons of Kurt's shirt, tugging impatiently until his deliciously pale chest was displayed. He let out a growl before attaching his mouth to his collarbone and sucking a little harder, making Kurt whimper.

Blaine didn't stay long on one spot – it was as if he couldn't wait to taste every inch of Kurt again. He moved down, kissing down the center of his chest and licking over his nipples, eliciting a loud groan out of him, and then mouthed over Kurt's stomach; meanwhile, his hands reached down to take care of Kurt's shoes, dropping them off the edge of the bed, before travelling back up to the zipper of his pants. He glanced up at Kurt in silent question, as his tongue swirled around his belly button, and Kurt unconsciously thrust up, desperate for some relief, rubbing his hard-on on Blaine's cheek.

Blaine's eyes darkened even more as lust took over him completely. He made quick work of Kurt's pants and underwear, and in only a matter of seconds, Kurt was spread out on the bed, gloriously naked. Blaine sat on his knees to look down at him, awed, unable to believe Kurt was actually there, in his bed, exactly as he had imagined him so many times.

Kurt suppressed the urge to stroke his cock, hard and flushed against his belly, waiting breathlessly, then Blaine grasped his leg by the ankle, kissing the bone reverently, his gaze fixed hungrily on Kurt.

"Your body is gorgeous," Blaine said in a hoarse voice. He looked Kurt in the eyes. "_You _are gorgeous. You always were and you always will be."

Blaine's hand reached hesitantly for Kurt's cock, as if he wasn't sure if he was actually allowed to touch him. Kurt gasped – Blaine's hands felt rougher than he remembered, but so perfect. It had always been perfect with him, no matter what. He leaned down, holding himself up on his elbows, and paused with his lips just an inch away from the slit of Kurt's cock, that was now oozing pre-come.

"Is this okay? I really need to taste you…" Blaine muttered eagerly, and the view was enough to make Kurt's brain short-circuit.

Kurt whined. "Please, please, _please_…"

Blaine swallowed him down immediately, moaning around him and closing his eyes. Kurt bucked up, overwhelmed by the sudden wet heat around him and Blaine took him deeper, making happy little noises that made Kurt tremble. Blaine was so damn desperate for it, as if having been forced to live without Kurt's cock in his mouth for ten years had been torture.

"Oh god, Blaine, _yes_…" Kurt buried his fingers in Blaine's hair and Blaine groaned in appreciation, as he pulled away enough to lap at his slit. His dark, thick eyelashes were resting against his cheeks and he was the most beautiful man Kurt had ever seen.

Kurt knew he wouldn't last very long – he had always been incredibly helpless with Blaine, and the pleasure was electrifying. His body had missed Blaine so much that had been near the edge since their lips had touched again.

However, Blaine pulled away and mouthed down his shaft. Kurt thought he was catching his breath, but then Blaine was licking over his balls as he spread his legs farther apart and shifted him. He placed his thumbs on the cheeks of Kurt's ass and pulled them apart, moaning at the sight that greet him there.

Kurt held his breath. He was flooded with images of the first time they had done this – it had been a Sunday afternoon, Blaine's house was empty and they had been rutting against each other naked and lazily for a while. Blaine had been the one to suggest it, awkwardly and blushing furiously, and though Kurt had blushed just as hard, he hadn't been able to say no, as the mere idea turned his insides to fire.

He had never been able to say no to Blaine.

Blaine kissed down his perineum before lapping farther down south, until Kurt could feel the hot swipes of his tongue in the very center of his body, completely melting him and burning him at the same time. He gasped helplessly, hands in fists at his side, grabbing at the sheets and looking for something to keep him grounded because he was afraid the rush of pleasure would make him float away…

Kurt moaned and his back arched off the bed. "Oh, oh, Blaine, I'm so close…"

To Kurt's dismay, Blaine didn't redouble his efforts. Instead, he crawled up Kurt's body until they were pressed together, face to face. Blaine's clothes felt rough on his sensitive skin.

"Would you fuck me?" Blaine asked breathlessly. "Kurt, I… _please_, I need to feel you inside of me, I want you to…"

Kurt's memory flashed with images of Blaine spread out on his bed, with his legs bent and pressed against his chest, as his body opened to allow Kurt in, and he thought he would faint. "Yes. _Yes_, of course…"

They shifted until Blaine was on his back on the bed with Kurt hovering on top of him. Blaine was still fully clothed and Kurt _tsked_.

"This won't do," he murmured as he ran a finger down Blaine's t-shirt.

He peeled the clothes off Blaine's body ceremoniously, wanting to savor each second and each inch of skin he discovered under the fabric. His hands trembled as he stroked Blaine's sides and chest, and he couldn't stop himself from nuzzling the scratchy hair that trailed from his chest down to his navel. He was delicious – he had always been exquisite. Kurt mouthed at his nipples, his hipbones and his collarbone.

Suddenly, Blaine pressed a bottle of lube and a condom into Kurt's hand, staring at him eagerly. He parted his legs and waited.

Kurt caressed the inside of Blaine's thighs, remembering how sensitive they had always been. They were so much more muscled than they had been when they were younger, but Blaine still shivered at the contact.

With the push of the first finger, Blaine threw his head back and gasped, arching his hips to get Kurt deeper. Kurt watched him utterly mesmerized at how responsive he still was, how he still seemed to marvel at the simplest touch as if he had never been touched before. Every experience with Blaine had always felt new and exciting, and this time wasn't different. He watched Blaine's body relax to welcome him, respond and undulate to show how much he liked what Kurt was doing, and he felt the same kind of immeasurable happiness he had felt as a boy when he put that blissed expression on his boyfriend's face.

Kurt had barely added a second finger when Blaine's hand found his wrist to stop him. Kurt startled, alarmed. "Are you okay? Did I…?"

"It's fine. I just… I want you now. I can't wait," Blaine murmured, as his chest rose and fell, panting fast.

"You're not stretched enough yet, sweetheart," Kurt said, cupping Blaine's face in his free hand and tilting his head down for a kiss. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Please. You won't hurt me. I need to feel you," Blaine pleaded with those big, wide eyes Kurt couldn't resist. "I'm ready, I swear."

Kurt licked his lips, thinking quickly, because though he was desperate to bury himself in Blaine's tight heat, he really didn't want to hurt him. He would have to trust that Blaine knew what he was doing. They weren't inexperienced boys anymore. They knew their bodies' limits a lot better now.

"Okay," he croaked in a hoarse voice. He scrambled for the condom that he had dropped on the mattress somewhere.

Kurt forced himself to be slow and delicate, but Blaine still clasped his shoulders tightly and groaned when he started pushing inside. "_Kurt_."

Kurt pressed their foreheads together and let out his breath shakily. "Do you want me to stop?"

"No, no. God, keep going. Keep going, Kurt," Blaine replied, lifting his legs to wrap them around Kurt's hips and pulling him closer, effectively making Kurt bury himself completely into him. "Yes, yes, god."

"You silly boy," Kurt whispered as he placed tiny little kisses all over Blaine's face. "You're going to be so sore in the morning…"

"I don't care. I want to be able to feel you," Blaine said. He buried his fingers on Kurt's hair and pressed their mouths together roughly. "So fuck me as hard as you can and _make me feel it_."

Kurt whimpered against his lips and his hips snapped forward before he could even think about it. Soon the room was filled with Blaine's moans and the sound of skin slapping against skin. Part of Kurt wanted to take his time, make things slower and sweeter, but there was a hunger in him that couldn't be controlled. His body had been deprived of Blaine for too long to hold back. He buried his face in Blaine's neck and breathed him in – all that sweat mixed with aftershave and lotion drove him crazy. He wanted to lick every inch of Blaine, but that would require him to pull out, and he couldn't stop driving himself deeper and deeper into Blaine.

"You feel so good," he muttered in a broken voice.

Blaine's eyes filled with tears. "You too. I… oh, god… Kurt."

Kurt wiped some of his tears away with the tips of his fingers, and kissed some others away. He slowed his pace, even though Blaine clenched greedily around him. "What is it?"

Blaine smiled at him, but there wasn't anything happy about it. Seeing him like that broke Kurt's heart all over again. "Nothing. Please, keep going. I'm so close…"

Kurt balanced himself up on one of his arms so he could reach down and stroke Blaine. He had always loved watching Blaine come undone – the way his body started shivering and his beautiful pink lips parted in silent gasps; how his back arched in ecstasy and his eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks – and this sight was just as stunning as when they had been just school boys getting each other off furtively before their parents came home. It wasn't long before the pearly strings of come were shooting up and painting Blaine's chest and belly, as his ass tightened deliciously around Kurt, throwing him into his very own pool of hot pleasure. He wrapped his arms around Blaine as he came, grinding hard into him, and letting out high-pitched moans into the crook of his tanned shoulder.

When it was over, he didn't want to move – he _couldn't _move. He stayed buried deep inside of Blaine, who didn't seem to mind at all. They kissed lazily in the afterglow, running their hands over each other, not caring about the sticky mess between them or their sweaty skin. Blaine tasted like rainy days and dark chocolate, and Kurt couldn't get enough of him.

Finally, he rolled to his side and pulled out, ignoring Blaine's protests. He disposed of the condom, but couldn't make it out of bed to clean up, because Blaine was tugging him back into his arms again, and who was he to deny this wonderful man his post-orgasm cuddles?

He pressed Blaine against his chest and enveloped him in his arms, and for a blissful moment, Kurt had managed to forget about everything else.

* * *

Kurt woke in the middle of the night, alone. At first he thought he was in his hotel room, but as soon as he noticed he was naked under the sheets and the familiar scent of Blaine's skin on the pillow pressed against his face, he remembered what had happened. He smiled lazily and stretched his arms, still floating weightlessly between sleep and consciousness as he waited for Blaine to come back to bed.

His toes were cold and the right side of the bed where Blaine had been sleeping wasn't warm either. He blinked dazedly, wondering where Blaine was and why whatever he was doing was more important than keeping him warm, when he heard it.

It was the sound of a muffled sob.

Kurt sat up and looked around. The apartment was dark but he could tell from the starlight filtering through the window that Blaine wasn't in the kitchen area. But a sliver of light peeked from under the closed bathroom door. Kurt pushed the blankets away and quickly searched for something to wear. He managed to find his underwear and Blaine's t-shirt and put them on before he padded slowly towards the bathroom. He leaned closer to the door and waited, not sure if he had imagined the sound in his half-asleep state.

And then he heard it again.

The sound made his heart clench in his chest, and he opened the door quietly, peering into the room with a concerned frown. At first, he thought there was no one there, but then he noticed Blaine was sitting on the floor, half-hidden between the shower and the sink, holding his knees to his chest and with his head buried in his arms on top of them. He was crying, trying to be quiet, but unable to contain his pain, his choked sobs were escaping anyway.

"Blaine?" He whispered softly, not wanting to startle him, his heart breaking.

Blaine looked up immediately. His eyes were red and swollen and he looked exhausted. His cheeks were wet with the tears that kept trailing down them and his hair was a mess, as if he had run his hands through it a million times in despair.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong?" Kurt asked, kneeling in front of him, not sure if Blaine wanted to be held or not, but dying to put his arms around him.

"N-nothing," Blaine muttered, looking away as if trying to hide the fact that he was crying. "You can g-go back to b-bed."

Kurt watched him, his heart breaking over and over again. He had never liked seeing Blaine upset. He shuffled closer and pulled on Blaine's hand to tug him closer. "I'm not going anywhere."

Instead of comforting him, his words made Blaine crumple into his arms, with a wracked sob, dissolving into fresh tears. Kurt swallowed hard, and sat back against the shower wall, with Blaine hiding his face in his shoulder, holding him like a child. He stroked his hair softly and made soothing noises in his ear, completely at a loss. He had no idea what to do.

After a few minutes, even though he was still crying almost violently, Blaine managed to speak. It wasn't the explanation Kurt had been expecting, but an endless string of the same words, again and again: "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…"

Kurt tried shushing him, because Blaine seemed to get more and more upset with every apology, but it was as if Blaine wasn't listening, utterly immersed in his need to say how sorry he was. Kurt didn't understand at first, what Blaine was apologizing for, but then it hit him like lightning: Blaine was apologizing for what he had done ten years ago. He was apologizing for cheating on him, because that was the one big mistake that loomed over him constantly; the one mistake that had changed it all, and the one mistake he couldn't forgive himself for.

Kurt felt the tears in his own eyes now – everything in Blaine's life had been dictated by what he had done when he was eighteen years old. He hadn't been able to move on, and he had destroyed every possibility, every hope, every way out because he didn't believe he deserved any better, not after what he had done. Kurt felt as if everything made sense now: what Cooper had told him, what he had seen himself, all the changes in Blaine's personality. Blaine had been haunted by his own actions for a decade.

They had been only kids. Yes, Kurt had been heartbroken and he had hated Blaine for damaging what they had, but they had been only kids back then. Kids made mistakes. Fuck, adults made mistakes, too. How had everything gone so wrong?

He kissed the top of Blaine's head and stroked down his back soothingly. "It's okay, beautiful. It's okay. You don't have to apologize anymore. I forgive you."

Kurt felt a weight was lifted from his shoulders with those words – even though he had said them earlier that day, he hadn't really meant them until now. Of course he forgave Blaine. Just seeing how much Blaine regretted what he had done was enough to know he could let go of whatever vestiges of resentment he had left. It hadn't meant anything to Blaine – that _boy _he had cheated with hadn't meant anything to Blaine – and maybe if Kurt had allowed him to explain a decade ago, they could have avoided all this heartache.

He closed his eyes and held Blaine tighter. "I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry, Blaine. It's okay. You're okay. I forgive you. I'm sorry."

Blaine sobbed against his shoulder and tightened his hands on Kurt's (_his_) t-shirt. "I'm sorry," he said one last time, and with that, he seemed to be completely spent. He breathed shakily. "I'm so tired…"

"It's okay," Kurt repeated, because there wasn't anything else he could say. "Let me get you back to bed, sweetheart."

He guided Blaine out of the bathroom, letting him lean heavily against his side until they reached the bed. He made sure Blaine was comfortable and tucked in before sliding under the blankets on the left side. Blaine immediately shifted towards him, holding onto him as if his life depended on it. Kurt stroked his hair and kept his lips pressed against his forehead until Blaine's breath evened and he was asleep, as peacefully as he could be.

Kurt, however, lay awake for a long time. First, his mind buzzed with thoughts of Blaine's pain and regret, and of ten years wasted just because he hadn't wanted to listen to what Blaine had to say back then.

But then, something else kept him awake, as sheer horror travelled down his spine in a cold chill.

He had just cheated on his fiancé.

* * *

**Short but intense, huh? Everything's about to change – so get ready!**

**Thank you so much for reading and please review! :)**

**Hopefully I'll be back next Saturday, as usual. Let's hope this is an easier week for me and my lovely betas. **

**Have a great week!**

**L.-**


	10. Chapter 10

**Happy Saturday everybody!**

**Thank you so much for all the amazing reviews for chapter 9. I hope you'll enjoy this chapter as well!**

**I would like to thank Wutif and Christine, my betas, for being the best things that's ever happened to my writing! **

**Special thanks to Corey, who made a lovely trailer for this fic. You can find it in my Tumblr blog, in the "Fic: The Awakening" tag!**

**Enjoy! I own nothing!**

* * *

Kurt was floating in that hazy place between waking and sleeping, clinging to his wonderful dream, but something softly tickling him was pulling him toward consciousness. He scrunched his face and groaned, but when he realized he wouldn't be able to fall back into that wonderful deep sleep he had been enjoying, he blinked his eyes open lazily.

Blaine was hovering over him, placing tiny little kisses on the curve of his naked shoulder, his jaw, his collarbone, and every inch of skin he could reach. When Kurt looked at him, he looked back, and Kurt's breath caught in his throat – it had been so long since he had woken to those caramel eyes staring at him with such reverence and sweetness.

"Hey you," Blaine whispered, voice still sleep-rough, so he probably hadn't been awake for long.

"Hi," Kurt mumbled with a yawn. He unconsciously put his hand on Blaine's head, immediately intertwining his fingers with his dark curls, stroking them slowly.

"I can make you some coffee if you want," Blaine said as his lips caressed his chest right where his heart was beating. "I know you can't function properly in the mornings without your caffeine fix first…"

"Mm, you know me so well…" Kurt murmured, as he arched his back to make his muscles pop. Then he paused, because Blaine _did _know him well. Once upon a time, Blaine had been the one to know him better than anyone else, even more than his own father sometimes. But those times were supposed to be over, because Kurt had built a life completely separate from Blaine. And now he was in his ex-boyfriend's bed. He swallowed and tried very hard not to panic. "Blaine, I…"

He was interrupted by the melody of a song filling the otherwise silent apartment. It was a song he recognized instantly…

"Oh crap," he exclaimed, as he pushed Blaine out of the way as gently as he could to scramble out of bed. He looked around searching for his pants until he found them halfway under the bed, and he grabbed them to fish his cell phone out of one of the pockets.

Alexandre was calling him.

"Hi honey!" He said in a breathless high-pitched voice that didn't sound suspicious _at all. Fuck_.

"Good morning, _mon ange_," Alex said softly. "Did I wake you?"

"Uhm, yes, yes, I was sleeping," Kurt mumbled, as he paced the room nervously. _Oh my god, what have I done? _"What about you? Are you at that Vanity Fair shoot? Or was that tomorrow?"

"It was today, but I cancelled it," Alex answered, and before Kurt could express his confusion, he added: "I'm in Los Angeles."

It was as if the whole building suddenly collapsed on Kurt, crushing him beneath tons and tons of debris. He couldn't breathe or think. "W-what? What are you doing here?"

"I felt so bad after our argument yesterday, I just _had _to come and see you," Alex explained and Kurt wished he truly was buried under a pile of debris. _This couldn't be happening_. "You know how much I hate arguing with you."

"Alex, it's… that's great, but you didn't have to…"

"I know I didn't have to come, but I needed to, _mon ange_," Alex interrupted, and Kurt could hear the smile in his voice, and that proud tone that meant he had done something to make his fiancé happy and _Kurt just wanted to die_. "Thing is, I can't remember which hotel you're staying at. Could you give me the address? I'm getting my suitcase and I'll get a taxi and meet you there…"

Oh god, oh god, oh god, this _was _happening. "Yeah, sure. Uhm, do you want to write the address down?"

Kurt gathered his clothes as he recited the address to Alex. Shit, this really was too much to deal with before the first cup of coffee…

"I'll see you soon, then," Alex said happily. "I love you!"

"Love you too," Kurt said mechanically, as he rubbed his eyes with his hands. God, it was too early for a headache.

He hung up and began quickly dressing when he caught sight of Blaine, who was sitting against the pillows and very intently _not _looking at Kurt. The expression on his face was carefully controlled, but Kurt knew him well, too, and he could see the sadness beneath the surface.

How had he gotten into this mess? He had screwed everything up so badly…

"Blaine…" He whispered, unsure of what he was going to say, pausing in the middle of the room with his shirt in one hand and his shoes in the other.

The smile Blaine gave him was so fake it looked like a cringe. "It seems like you'll have to get a rain check for that coffee."

"I'm sorry. I am. I don't… I don't know what to say." Kurt wanted to sit right there on the floor and cry. This was all his fault, but he still didn't want to deal with it.

"It's fine, Kurt. Really. Just go," Blaine murmured, and the smile disappeared, as if keeping it up was too much of an effort.

Kurt wanted to protest. He wanted to walk back towards the bed and plant a kiss on his lips. He wanted to hide under the blankets with Blaine and never face his fiancé. He wanted to erase the previous night from his memory. He wanted to treasure it and replay it in his mind over and over again…

He was so fucked up.

Instead, since he didn't have the time for any of it, he finished getting dressed and, with one last glance in Blaine's direction, who had his eyes fixed on his own hands, left.

Kurt didn't realize he walked all over the divorce papers on his way out, still scattered on the floor.

* * *

It was a miracle that Kurt managed to get to his hotel before Alexandre. He guessed he had the morning traffic to thank for that.

He immediately locked himself in the bathroom to shower, paranoid that his fiancé would be able to tell he had been with another man if he didn't wash the previous night off. His body seemed to scream in protest as he stepped into the shower, as if it didn't want to let go of the scent and the touch of Blaine's skin. Kurt stayed under the shower spray and allowed himself two minutes to cry bitterly as he leaned his forehead against the cold tile wall.

He knew what he had done had been wrong and he hated himself for it. He had done to Alexandre the same thing that Blaine had done to him – the one thing that had broken them apart. He had no idea how he was going to face his fiancé after this. Should he tell Alex the truth? Should he confess and risk losing him? Should he stay quiet and live with the guilt? Alexandre deserved better, but Kurt was afraid of the consequences. He had been absolutely ruthless when Blaine had cheated on him – maybe now it was Alexandre's turn to give him the same treatment.

There was a part of him that had always known this was going to happen. He had found out that Blaine was his husband and decided to look for him to put an end to their surprise marriage, and a part of him knew he would be too weak not to give in to the passion they had once shared. Blaine had been his first lover, and no one, no matter how skilled the man he had been with was, had known how to touch him quite like him. They had learnt together – it was only right that their bodies missed each other…

But there was so much more than lust behind Blaine's intentions. Kurt knew it – he had looked at him in his eyes and had seen the same emotion Blaine had carried in them all those years ago. And Blaine had known all along that they were married, god, what kind of twisted soap opera was this? Kurt supposed he ought to be mad at Blaine for keeping that secret from him, but he couldn't find the strength within himself to do so. Not after listening to Blaine's confession the previous day.

Kurt had no time to dwell on these thoughts. Everything was too confusing, and too much to handle in such little time, but he would have to push it out of his mind for now. His fiancé was on the way, and until he decided if he was going to tell him or not about what had happened, Kurt needed to act as normally as possible.

He was such a hypocrite.

* * *

Alexandre arrived with a huge bouquet of flowers and guilt churned in Kurt's stomach.

"Oh, Alex, you didn't have to…" He murmured, biting his lip.

"I was an ass to you yesterday, so yeah, I had to," Alexandre smiled radiantly before moving in for a kiss. Kurt tried to respond normally to the touch of his lips when all he wanted to do was cry again. "I missed you, _mon ange_."

"I missed you too," Kurt replied dutifully as he stepped away from Alexandre's arms to find a vase for his flowers. "How was your flight?"

"It was okay. No crying children, no turbulence…" Alex sat on the small armchair by the window and, once Kurt had put the flowers down, tugged on his hand to make him sit on his lap. He wrapped his arms around him lovingly. "I'm sorry for yelling yesterday. And for implying I would cancel the wedding. I would never do that."

Kurt nodded, not sure what to say.

"I know I've been putting a lot of pressure on you with this divorce business," Alex continued, kissing the clothed curve of his shoulder, where Blaine had placed a good morning kiss earlier that morning. "But you won't have to deal alone with it anymore. And I don't want you to worry about a thing today, okay? Today, we just enjoy ourselves. I feel like I haven't seen you in forever. We'll worry about Blaine signing the papers tomorrow."

That name on Alexandre's lips felt wrong and foreign, but Kurt began to feel sick with guilt and remorse, so he just nodded again and let his fiancé pull him into a kiss that felt just as wrong.

* * *

Walking around Los Angeles with Alexandre would've been wonderful if the circumstances had been different – they loved to travel, and though they hadn't had the chance to make a big trip yet, they loved going away for a weekend to relax and see new places. This time, however, Kurt was on edge and utterly uncomfortable around his fiancé. He was scared Alex would notice something had happened, and he still didn't know if he would rather Alex heard it from him, than just finding out about it on his own. But how do you tell the man you are going to marry in a month that you cheated on him with your ex-boyfriend, who also happens to be your husband, even if you had no idea?

Yes, this definitely was soap opera material. Kurt should probably look into it while he was still in Hollywood.

That night, Alexandre took him out for dinner. They went to a gorgeous restaurant on Melrose Avenue called _Providence_. As Kurt sat at the fancy table, eating his wild coho salmon with red kuri squash and smoked chanterelles, he thought of the simple lunch he had had at the beach a few days later, with fruits in plastic containers and cheese and spinach sandwiches, without even a tablecloth or napkins, and drinking water straight from the bottle.

He thought of the setting sun reflected in Blaine's hazel eyes; of the calming sound of the waves lapping the shore and Blaine's soft voice. He thought of sitting on the sand in his designer jeans without giving it a second thought just because the man he was sitting with had blushed and apologized profusely thinking Kurt wouldn't be pleased with his idea.

Kurt looked at the man across the table from him and, _god_, he loved him. He did. Alex was a gentleman and continuously showered him with his affection, taking him to beautiful places and sending flowers to his office just because it was Wednesday and it would brighten Kurt's week. But Alexandre had never made him feel excited about the little things like Blaine had. It was all about the grand gestures with Alex, and life couldn't just be about the grand gestures, could it? Because three dozen roses on his desk were nice, but what about cutting a daisy from Carole's garden and placing it behind Kurt's ear, staring into his eyes with that awed happiness that meant there couldn't be a better moment or a better place to be than this? Maybe elegant dinner dates were wonderful for special occasions, but why dress up three nights a week after a long day, when they could just stay in in their pajamas, order Chinese take-out and cuddle on the couch until they couldn't stop their hands from being all over each other?

Alex touched the back of his hand and shocked him back to reality. "Are you okay, _mon ange_? It looks like you're a million miles away…"

Why was he being so silly? There was no point in comparing Alex and Blaine. They were two different people. Kurt had been perfectly happy just a few weeks ago, why was he questioning everything now? He was being absurd. All he needed was in front of him. "Yes. Sorry, I was just distracted."

"I know these past few days have been very hard on you, and I'm sorry I wasn't here sooner to help you through it," Alex said gently. "But everything will be alright, you'll see. In just a few more weeks, we'll be married, and all of this will be a funny anecdote to tell at parties."

Kurt forced a smile on his face. He couldn't see how any of this could be seen as funny, especially Blaine's current situation, but he decided not to argue. He was too tired and too troubled to get into it. Instead, he looked down at his practically untouched food and said, "This is delicious. You should try it."

He tried talking about the wedding for the rest of the meal, but for some reason, he couldn't remember the color of the flowers, the song for their first dance, or the pattern in the china he had chosen online.

He tried not to let it show that he was having a complete meltdown. He continued talking and laughing with his fiancé, while he felt like he was falling to pieces on the inside.

* * *

Kurt was sitting against the pillows, scrolling through wedding blogs, when Alexandre came out of the bathroom, with his hair still damp from the shower and only wearing a pair of dark green boxers. He crawled onto the bed towards Kurt and kissed his shoulder. Kurt could immediately see where this was going.

He felt sick just thinking about it.

Blaine's touch was still fresh in his skin. If he closed his eyes, he could still see Blaine spread under him, or going down on him, or smiling down at him this same morning. He could almost feel his delicious body throbbing against his with desire, and the vibrations in his chest as he moaned out of control…

He pushed Alexandre's hand away when he put it on his thigh.

"I'm sorry, honey, I'm just _so _tired…" Kurt muttered apologetically. Alex frowned at him for a moment, but then painted a smile on his face.

"It's fine. I'm pretty tired, too," he leaned and gave Kurt's cheek a soft kiss. "Goodnight, _mon ange_."

Kurt put his computer down on the bedside table. "Goodnight."

They turned the lights off and pretended to sleep, but Kurt was pretty sure they both stared up at the ceiling in the dark for a very long time.

* * *

It was as if Kurt's worst nightmares came true when, while having breakfast at the hotel restaurant the next morning, Alexandre announced: "I'm coming with you to see Blaine today."

Kurt was taking a sip of coffee. At Alex's words, he choked, and there was suddenly coffee dribbling out of his nose. He grabbed a napkin and tried to fix the mess he had made as gracefully as possible. "I… _why_?"

Alexandre shrugged nonchalantly. "Maybe seeing us together will be the last push and he'll finally sign those damn papers."

Kurt didn't even want to imagine what would happen when Blaine found Alexandre at his doorstep. "I… don't think that's a good idea. He may not react well…"

Alex frowned and leaned over the table to look at him. "What is that supposed to mean? Is he a violent man?"

Kurt hesitated for just a second. No, Blaine was the sweetest, kindest person he had ever met, but he was in a lot of pain, and under a lot of pressure. The way he had pushed him against the wall outside of the bar was enough proof of that. He knew Blaine would never hurt him, but he also knew it was hard for him to control himself lately.

However, his instant of hesitation was enough for his fiancé to blow things out of proportion. "Has he done anything to you? Is that what you meant when you said you were having trouble with him?"

"No! No, Alex, he's…" Kurt tried to explain.

"I'm coming with you. I can't trust an unstable man around my fiancé. I don't want anything to happen to you, Kurt," Alexandre said determinedly.

"I can take care of myself, Alex," Kurt said through clenched teeth.

Alexandre squeezed his hand. "I know. But I still want to go with you. It'll make me feel a million times better if I can be with you for this."

There had to be a good excuse. Kurt needed to come up with the perfect excuse why Alex couldn't go with him – he thought as hard as he could, but nothing came to mind. When he was silent for a second too long, Alexandre took it as agreement and smiled at him brightly.

He could almost see total disaster looming around them.

* * *

They went to Blaine's apartment in the afternoon. Kurt wrung his hands anxiously during the entire cab ride, while Alex looked out the window at the city passing by, unknowing that Kurt was having a nervous breakdown right beside him.

Kurt closed his eyes, tightened his hands on his lap and hoped with all his strength that Blaine wasn't home. Maybe this would be the glorious day in which Blaine finally decided to go do his laundry. Or maybe he was at the supermarket. Kurt prayed to a god he didn't believe in that Blaine's apartment would be empty, and that he would be able to convince Alex to not join him next time.

He felt like an encounter between Blaine and Alexandre could be almost apocalyptic.

The cab stopped in front of Blaine's already familiar building, and Alex paid before Kurt could even react to get his own wallet. He was too worried about what was about to happen to care about his surroundings, and he exited the car in a daze, looking up at the apartments' windows.

The last time he had been here, he had slept with Blaine.

His body still shuddered with the memories, trembled with the need to feel Blaine's skin again. How could he be in the same room with Blaine and his fiancé without Alex noticing how he was automatically attracted to his ex-boyfriend? His body reacted to him, and just the thought of seeing him again made his heart beat faster…

"Kurt? Are you coming?" Alex said, breaking him from his trance, standing by the doorway.

"Yes, yes, sorry…" Kurt mumbled, as he followed him inside.

His feet felt like lead as they walked up the stairs. Kurt exhaled very slowly and tried to be positive. Blaine wouldn't be home, but if was, he would act very decently in front of Alexandre, because he cared about Kurt, and he wouldn't ruin this for him. He wouldn't put Kurt's imminent marriage at risk.

Yes, everything was going to be okay. And then Kurt would be able to deal with telling Alex the truth.

Or not.

That was yet to be determined.

Kurt was the one who knocked on Blaine's door, while Alex stood next to him waiting patiently. No sounds came from inside the apartment. Yes. _Yes_, Blaine wasn't home! This was perfect. Kurt knocked once again, just to pretend he wasn't giving up so easily.

"I guess he isn't here," Kurt said, keeping his tone carefully disappointed.

"Maybe we can go take a walk around the neighborhood and try again in a little while," Alex murmured back thoughtfully. "I would like to get this over with today."

"Yes, or we could…" Kurt started saying, already coming up with a million reasons why Alex shouldn't accompany him for a second visit. However, all of them became completely irrelevant when the door opened.

Blaine was home, after all. His eyes were red-rimmed, and he looked terrible, exhausted and unkempt. His stubble was growing into a scruffy beard, and his hair was a messy mop on top of his head. His clothes were wrinkled, and Kurt could see that his apartment was just as bad as his appearance. Blaine's eyes lit up when he saw Kurt, but every little vestige of hope that had surged on them vanished instantly when he noticed the man standing next to him. His gaze turned dull and empty, just as it was when Kurt had found him for the first time after asking Cooper for his brother's address.

"Blaine…" Kurt whispered softly, as if trying to calm a wild beast.

"What are you doing here, Hummel?" Blaine asked sharply, glancing back at him as if he couldn't stand the sight of Alexandre.

There was something wrong with Blaine's voice. It was… slurring a little. "Blaine. Are you drunk?" Kurt exclaimed, forgetting about being cautious.

"That's none of your damn business, is it?" Blaine replied. "Now go away. I'm busy."

"We are not going anywhere until you sing the divorce papers. We're done playing games," Alexandre interrupted, and Blaine turned to him so violently that Kurt was surprised that Alex didn't take a step back. "We'll be off your case as soon as you sign them."

"And who the fuck do you think you are to come to my house and order me around?" Blaine retorted in a loud, angry voice.

"I'm Alexandre, Kurt's fiancé," Alex said simply.

Those words seemed to unleash a whole storm in Blaine's eyes. He clenched his teeth, tensing his jaw, and his knuckles were almost white where he was holding the door. The disaster Kurt had anticipated was close, but he didn't know how to stop this, not without hurting one of the other two men…

"Get the fuck out of here," Blaine said menacingly. "I'll sign those fucking papers whenever I fucking want to."

He started closing the door on their faces, but Alex's hand pressed against it, stopping him. "I don't think you understand. You don't have a choice. Sign those papers now, Blaine."

Blaine threw the door open furiously and stepped into the hall to get right into Alexandre's face. He was quite shorter than him, but it didn't matter, because he looked utterly dangerous even with the height difference. "You son of a bitch, you think you can…"

Blaine's next words didn't reach Kurt's ears, because all he could focus on now that he could see more into Blaine's apartment were the pill bottles scattered on the floor and the bedside table, and the half empty bottle of whiskey mixed with several cans of beer.

Kurt pushed past them into the apartment, and began to collect the mess, causing the other two to go silent, staring at him. He scooped the pills back into the bottles, and peered under the bed, to ensure he got them all.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" Blaine yelled at him.

"I know you think you need these, but you don't," Kurt said determinedly, holding the pills against his chest in case Blaine tried to take them back. "You can't keep doing this, Blaine."

"What I do with my life is none of your goddamn business," Blaine replied angrily.

Kurt ignored him, and marched toward the bathroom with the bottle of whiskey. Blaine followed, stumbling in his haste to see what he would do. He watched aghast as Kurt threw the pills into the water, and then poured out the whiskey, pressing the flush lever to watch it disappear.

"Fuck you, Hummel! Who the fuck gives you the right…?" Blaine shouted, and a few days ago, Kurt would've been scared of him, but now, he stood before him calmly, because even if he pissed him off, Blaine would never hurt him. Blaine would never lay a hand on him – he had tortured himself over a teenage mistake for a decade. If he hurt Kurt again in an even more meaningful way, Kurt didn't want to think of the drastic measures he would take.

"I give myself the right," Kurt said softly, looking him in the eyes and begging him to understand. "You need to stop hurting yourself, Blaine. It's not worth it."

"You don't get to tell me what to do," Blaine said, breathing heavily. "I'll fucking drink myself to death, if that's what I want to do."

Neither of them had noticed Alex standing by the door, watching them with his arms crossed over his chest until he spoke. "You have to be kidding me, Kurt. You dated _him_?"

Blaine turned to him so suddenly that he almost lost balance, and had to hold himself up against the sink. He looked pathetic, and like he couldn't hate himself anymore that he did. Kurt felt like crying just looking at him, especially because he knew those words hurt him deeper than any other. With them, Alexandre was telling him something that had been torturing him for years: _you were never good enough to be with Kurt_.

"Alex, please, stay out of this," Kurt begged, feeling completely torn. He couldn't deal with both of them at the same time. It was too much. His whole life had been designed around the idea that Alex and Blaine couldn't exist at the same time, as if they were from different universes.

"I'm just asking a question, _mon ange_. I really can't understand what you saw in him…" Alex continued, and this time it was blatantly obvious that he was provoking Blaine.

Blaine was fuming, but he had obviously had too much to drink, because when he tried to swing a punch at Alexandre, his fiancé avoided it easily, but the force of it sent Blaine down to the floor, landing on his butt, and looking even more pitiful. Kurt gasped when he barely missed hitting his head against the sink, and almost punched Alexandre himself when he saw the smirk on his face, evidently satisfied with how weak Blaine looked.

"Blaine, are you okay?" Kurt said, immediately crouching next to him, concerned.

"Leave me alone," Blaine muttered, and this time he sounded so hurt that Kurt had to bite his lip to hold back the tears. "Just get the fuck out of my apartment and leave me alone."

Kurt didn't want to leave him. He wanted to stay with him and hold him until he felt better. But Alexandre wouldn't leave without him, and he knew it. He tried placing his hand comfortingly on Blaine's arm, but he flinched away from his touch. "Are there any more pills hidden in the apartment, Blaine?" Blaine didn't answer, and Kurt was dying to smooth the curls out of his forehead and kissing him there, like a small child who needed love after a bad day at school. "If you don't tell me, I'll search the entire place. It's easier if you tell me."

Blaine was exhausted. He could see it in his eyes, the dark marks under them. Kurt wouldn't have been surprised if he hadn't slept since waking up that morning in Kurt's arms. "No," he said in the lowest of voices.

Kurt smiled at him encouragingly. "Okay…"

"Kurt, let's get out of here. He won't sign the papers, drunk as he is now," Alexandre said from his spot on the doorway. "We'll call our lawyer, so we don't have to deal with him anymore…"

Blaine was shaking, and Kurt didn't know if it was because of the rage taking over him or the pain. Either way, he looked at his fiancé over his shoulder with a murderous look and exclaimed sharply: "Shut up, Alex."

"Get the fuck out of my apartment," Blaine murmured, and he was once again breathing heavily. He even looked feverish. "Now. Get the fuck out of here now."

Kurt was reluctant to leave him on his own like this. He hesitated. "I… I could call Cooper, if you want. Let me call him, at least, so he can…"

"Don't you fucking dare," Blaine spat at him furiously. "Stay out of my damn business, Hummel! Leave me alone! Like you even care! Stop fucking pretending you care about me!"

It felt as if someone had shot a dart straight though his chest and hit his heart. Kurt watched him, hurt. He knew why Blaine was saying this, but he had never, ever stopped caring about him, even when he was furious and heartbroken, and still too young to understand how complicated love and relationships could be.

"Get out!" Blaine started screaming, and he didn't stop. "Get out, get out, get out!"

The words echoed around the apartment, even as Blaine covered his head with his arms and hid his face against his raised knees. He was like a broken record playing, screaming the same words over and over, and all Kurt could do was stay there frozen and watch him, not knowing how to reach out to him and pull him back out to the surface, anywhere where he wouldn't be drowning in his own suffering.

But Alex grabbed Kurt's elbow and pulled him to his feet. As long as Alex was there, Kurt couldn't help Blaine. He couldn't be Alexandre's Kurt and Blaine's Kurt at the same time. He didn't know how. He wasn't sure if both of them could coexist.

As Alex guided him out of the apartment and towards the stairs, Kurt could still hear Blaine screaming for them to get out, and he wasn't sure if he was yelling at him and his fiancé, or at the fears and pain that permanently lived in his head.

* * *

**Raise your hand if you want to hug Blaine! **

**Please review this chapter and let me know if you liked it! **

**Have a wonderful week, and I'll be seeing you again soon for more!**

**Thanks for reading!**

**L.-**


	11. Chapter 11

**Hi everyone.**

**I'm so sorry for keeping you waiting – you all know I hate not updating when I said I would, but sometimes there's no other choice. Thank you for your patience! And to those who sent me messages asking if I was okay, don't worry :)**

**Thank you to my beautiful betas, Wutif and Christine, for putting up with me! ;P**

**Alright. Everybody ready? Deep breath and…. Here we go!**

**I own nothing!**

* * *

Kurt hated making scenes in public, which was why he waited until they were back at their hotel room to turn on Alex furiously.

"What the hell did you think you were doing?"

Alex seemed startled by his question. He looked at him with wide eyes. "I'm sorry, what do you mean?"

"_What do I mean_? The way you talked to Blaine! You had _no right _to say any of those things to him, Alex!" Kurt exclaimed, throwing his arms in the air in frustration.

Alexandre laughed incredulously. "Are you serious right now, _mon ange_? I had no right to talk to him like that? And who is he to refuse to sign the divorce papers? Who is he to stop us from getting married? Don't you see that he is ruining everything? He's mocking us! He's making us waste our time!"

"He's not okay!" Kurt retorted angrily. "Didn't you see him? He's not okay, Alex!"

"Yeah, what's the deal with that guy? Has he always been an alcoholic, or is this something new? Because I was being honest. I really_ don't_ see what you saw in him." Alex said, sitting casually in the armchair, as if they were discussing table centerpieces.

Kurt ran his hands through his hair. "Why are you being so insensitive?"

"Why are you letting him manipulate you? Don't you see what he's doing? Maybe he's still in love with you, maybe he's still bitter about what happened between you two a decade ago, but for some reason he's getting back at you! He found the perfect way to ruin your life again, Kurt!" Alex replied.

"_He's not manipulating me_. You don't know him Alex!"

"Well, you don't know him either!" Alexandre exclaimed, clearly getting frustrated. "You haven't seen the guy in ten years, and you can't honestly say he's the same he was when you two were dating! You don't know him now, Kurt. You don't know what he's capable of. He's an alcoholic and drug addict…"

"He's not a drug addict! He has issues, yes, but he's…" Kurt raised his voice, needing to silence Alexandre's words, but his fiancé interrupted.

"Why are you defending him?" He asked, now visibly hurt. "Why is he more important than us? Why do you keep doing this? Why are you sabotaging our wedding?"

"I'm sabotaging our wedding? That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! I've been working my ass off planning that damn wedding for months! You can't tell me I'm trying to ruin it!" Kurt protested, obviously ignoring the other questions.

But Alex wasn't letting him off the hook. "Why is he so important to you? Why is a boy who broke your heart ten years ago more important than the relationship you have now, with the man you are about to marry? What makes you put him ahead of everything else in your life, even though you haven't seen him in so long?"

Kurt groaned, irritated. "Why do you always have to do this? This is completely illogical!"

"It's not! I think it's perfectly logical to feel insecure when your fiancé can't let go of his ex-boyfriend!"

"I just want to help him! He wasn't only my boyfriend, Alex, he was my best friend, too! I can't see him like this!" Kurt was on the verge of the tears. His stress levels were going up and his desperation was up to par. He didn't know how much longer he could keep doing this. "Is it a crime to help someone? How could you walk away from a thing like this?"

Alex ran a hand through his eyes, as if the whole situation exhausted him. "All I'm saying is that he's always been a shadow hanging over our heads, Kurt. When you didn't want people even mentioning his name, you were allowing him to get between us. Now he's actually in our way, and you can't blame me for wanting to know whose side you're on."

Kurt leaned against the wall, feeling just as tired, as the fire of his anger seemed to dim a little. "Why do there have to be sides in this? There shouldn't be sides in this, Alex."

"The fact that we have argued about this same thing three times in just a handful of weeks means there are sides, Kurt. And right now, I'm not sure if you're on my side at all," Alexandre muttered quietly.

Kurt felt a pang of guilt stab him. He'd hurt two of the most wonderful men he'd ever met. Blaine might have been hurting longer, but that didn't mean Alex hurt any less. Kurt didn't want to risk his relationship with Alex, but he simply couldn't cut Blaine loose on his own yet either.

He wasn't sure if he would ever be able to stay away from Blaine completely.

There was one thing Alexandre was absolutely right about: Blaine _had _always been a shadow hanging over them. There hadn't been a single man that Kurt had met and dated that he hadn't compared to Blaine. There hadn't been a single day when he hadn't thought of his ex-boyfriend and wondered what would have happened if things hadn't gone so wrong. There hadn't been a love song on the radio that hadn't squeezed his heart painfully as he thought of how much Blaine would've loved to serenade him with it.

Blaine Anderson was the kind of man that, once he owned someone's heart, he really _owned _it. Despite the years and the heartache, Kurt had always known that. He had learned to move on, had found Alex and started all over, but he would always remember Blaine – the good and the bad – because Blaine had been the great true love that movies and fairy tales talked about. He loved Alex with all his heart… but he also knew that no one had ever managed to make his heart beat as strongly, wildly and happily as Blaine had.

Love was such a mess…

"I don't know what to say, Alex," he admitted finally, defeated. "It's your ring I'm wearing on my finger. It's you I'm marrying soon. Just because I want to help him, that doesn't mean I love you any less…"

Alex was silent for a long moment, but then looked up at him with a sad smile. "You can't help him, Kurt. I don't think anyone can help him anymore."

And just like that, Alexandre had put into words Kurt's greatest fear.

* * *

Things were still tense between Kurt and his fiancé the next morning. They didn't speak much at breakfast in the hotel restaurant, neither able to repair the rift between them. There were so many things Kurt didn't know if he could ever fix again.

While Alex was in the shower, Kurt sat on the armchair with his computer. He was supposed to look through some résumés that his secretary had emailed him, so she could call back the possible candidates for the new job, but even though he tried his hardest, he couldn't focus.

Kurt didn't want to go back to New York.

It was like a slap on the face, the realization. Kurt had never felt more at home than in New York, but right now, he wanted to stay right where he was. He knew there was work piling up on his desk. He knew there were still lots of decisions to be made for the wedding. He knew Alex couldn't stay in Los Angeles forever.

He also knew that he couldn't leave until he did everything he could to help Blaine.

It was ridiculous, wanting to put his life on the line for someone else; someone who wasn't even a real part of his life anymore, who had hurt him so deeply that he had been unable to trust others for a very long time. But this was _Blaine_.

New York was home, but Blaine had always been his weakness.

Alexandre was ready to go back, and Kurt was aware of that. He had work waiting for him. His patience had run out already – he didn't want to deal with Blaine. He had mentioned once again the previous night that they would have to contact their lawyer and ask him to handle the divorce, since the other part wasn't cooperating. Kurt's stomach had churned at the idea, knowing how much more painful that would be for Blaine, but at the same time, he couldn't blame Alex for wanting to move things along. They really didn't have much time left…

Kurt closed his laptop, and rubbed his temples, feeling the tension building into another headache. It was pointless to attempt to get any work done, with the situation here heading to a boil.

He was considering getting a coffee at the shop down the street, when there was a knock at the door. He rose to answer it, assuming it was the maid.

However, when he pulled the door open, Kurt gasped in shock. Blaine was standing in front of him, looking uncomfortable and just as tired as the previous day, though he was obviously sober this time.

"Blaine…" Kurt murmured, and just the sight of him was enough to send shivers all over him.

"Hi," Blaine said timidly. He peered into the room. "Uhm. Is Alexandre here?"

"He's in the shower," Kurt answered, fighting off the urge to pull him into his arms.

Blaine looked small and pale. He hadn't shaved, but it was obvious he had taken a shower, because his curls were shiny and clean. His eyes were red-rimmed and hollow, with shadows under them, either from lack of sleep or from crying.

"I… I wanted to apologize. To both of you," Blaine muttered quietly. "I don't remember half of the things I said yesterday, but they probably weren't nice."

"It's okay. We shouldn't have gone to your apartment like that. I shouldn't have let him come with me," Kurt said immediately. "I'm sorry, Blaine."

"No. No, you have nothing to be sorry for, remember?" Blaine tried to smile but it was a failed attempt. He swallowed with difficulty before continuing. "Once I, uhm, sobered up, I realized what an ass I've been. I realized that I've hated myself for hurting you for a decade, but now that I actually have the chance to give you some happiness back, I'm being a selfish idiot."

Kurt wrapped his arms around himself. "What do you mean?"

"I signed them," Blaine said, and held out a large white envelope. "You have this chance to be happy, to marry a good guy and have the life you've always wanted, and I'm not going to be the one to ruin that. I don't ever want to be the one to ruin your plans and your happiness ever again, Kurt."

There were tears running down Kurt's face before he even noticed it. He wiped them away hastily when they blurred his vision. "Blaine…"

"I hope he makes you the happiest man in the world. You've always deserved someone who could make you the happiest man in the world," Blaine whispered, as he twisted the envelope in his hands. It was as if he still wasn't ready to hand it over. "I'm sorry I couldn't be the one to make all your dreams come true. I'm sorry I broke all the promises I ever made to you. I'm sorry I betrayed your trust, because it's one of the most precious things a man could have. I'm sorry I kept this," he added, gesturing to the papers in his hands, "from you for so long just to make myself feel better. And I'm sorry for giving you such a hard time these past few days, when you needed my help. I know it doesn't change anything, but I was afraid to sign these, because even though it's been ten years I still don't know how to let go of you."

A sob broke through Kurt's lips. "_Blaine_…" He whimpered, because he didn't know what else to say.

"I'm just so sorry, for everything."

"Please, just…"

"I love you," Blaine interrupted, making Kurt's breath stutter. "I've always loved you, even when I fucked everything up. You're the only man I've ever loved and the only one I will ever love, and though I know it doesn't change anything, that it doesn't fix anything, and that it isn't worth anything now… I just needed to tell you."

_It isn't worth anything_. As if love wasn't big enough. As if it wasn't important enough. A mistake doesn't make love worthless – it just dents it a little. Kurt cried harder when he realized Blaine didn't believe that anything in him could be worth it, not even his ability to love after so much heartbreak.

"So that's what I came here to say. Please tell Alexandre how sorry I am for everything," Blaine said, before thrusting the envelope unexpectedly into Kurt's hands. "Goodbye Kurt."

Kurt wanted to stop him, but Blaine practically fled down the corridor as if he couldn't stand to be there for another second. Kurt should've chased after him, but he couldn't move. It was as if his whole body had been frozen with those words: _I love you_.

Kurt had known Blaine loved him – it was in his lasting pain, his careful glances, his heated kisses. But hearing those words again in Blaine's soft voice had paralyzed him. He hadn't thought he would hear him say them again.

Kurt looked down at the envelope in his hands. He didn't dare open it.

A voice in the back of his head said, _you should have run after him_.

He leaned against the wall, feeling weak and slightly sick. He whispered with a sob, "I should have run after him."

* * *

When Alexandre came out of the bathroom a few minutes later, clean-shaven and wearing a soft green Henley that Kurt had always adored on him, Kurt was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking down at the divorce documents resting on his lap and barely holding his tears back.

"I was thinking we could book our plane tickets for… Kurt?" Alex stopped on his way to his laptop that was resting on his bedside table. He frowned. "What's going on?"

"Blaine stopped by," Kurt murmured in a hoarse voice. He raised the papers for Alex to see. "He signed them."

A wide grin spread on Alexandre's face and he clapped his hands together. "That's fantastic! Finally! We should…" He paused when he realized Kurt wasn't joining in the celebration. "_Mon ange_?"

"I slept with him." Kurt said clearly, his eyes fastened to Blaine's signature, the same curvy script he remembered from all those love letters Blaine had sent, when they were together. "The night before you arrived."

Alex seemed frozen now, staring uncomprehendingly, as if he had suddenly forgotten all the English he ever knew. "You..."

"I'm sorry," Kurt interrupted, because he needed to get this off his chest. "I'm sorry. I've always hated cheating for what it did to me when I was younger, and now I did it to you. You… you didn't deserve it, Alex. I'm really sorry."

"You slept with him," Alex repeated, but now he just sounded wounded.

"Yes. And it was my fault, before you start blaming it on him," Kurt explained, and it shocked him how calm he suddenly was. He just wanted to be honest. He was so tired… "I… I went to his apartment, after we argued on the phone, and I admit I was a little out of control and a little too stressed, so I didn't approach the matter very well. He exploded, we argued, and then he… just told me everything. He just… he spoke so sincerely and I understood so many things that had been a mystery to me until then… and I kissed him."

"Just because he was honest with you?" Alex asked completely bewildered. "You kissed him and slept with him because he decided to have an honest conversation with you?"

"No," Kurt shook his head and clutched the papers against his chest, cradling them like a shield. "I did it because I love him."

It was like the walls closed down around them. The silence was charged and tense, and Kurt felt shivers running down his spine. Alexandre remained completely motionless for a few long seconds, and then he looked down, away from Kurt, as if he needed to regroup before facing him again.

"I'm sorry," Kurt said again, because he had never felt so guilty and so _wrong _in his entire life. "I guess I should've known this was going to happen, and maybe I should've handled things differently to avoid it, but… Alex, the truth is that I've been in love with Blaine since I was seventeen years old, and I will be in love with him until the last day of my life."

Alexandre wrapped his arms around himself. "So… what you're trying to say is that you don't love me."

Kurt's face softened. Fate had given him this wonderful man, but Kurt didn't deserve him. "Of course I love you, Alex. I'm just… I'm just not _in love _with you. I made myself believe that I was because I desperately wanted to be over him, and because I desperately wanted to be able to build a whole new life that didn't revolve around him…"

Alex nodded slowly, and then walked towards the bed, taking a seat right next to Kurt. He was still not looking at him. "I… I've always known. That you still loved him, I mean. That thing I said about him being a shadow between us, that was true, Kurt. I've always known he was _the one _for you, and that I'm just the man you settled with because you couldn't have him."

"Alex, no," Kurt muttered horrified. "No. I didn't settle. You are…"

"It doesn't matter. You would have never been with me if there was even a remote chance that you could have Blaine," Alex shrugged sadly. "Like I said, I've always known."

Kurt took a very deep breath to brace himself. He knew exactly what was coming, and he wasn't exactly eager to face it. He had never wanted to hurt anybody… how had things ended this way? How had they gotten so out of control?

"I did manage to make you happy, right?" Alex asked quietly, and Kurt smiled at him softly.

"Yes, you definitely did. I wouldn't have agreed to marry you if I wasn't happy with you," Kurt replied.

"Then marry me anyway," Alexandre exclaimed, causing Kurt's eyes to widen. He stood in front of Kurt and grabbed his hand, stroking the band on his finger lovingly. "I love you, Kurt. I've never loved anyone the way I love you…"

"Alex…" Kurt started saying, but Alexandre didn't give him enough time to say more.

"No, wait, hear me out, _mon ange_," Alex squeezed his hand and looked into his eyes intently. "You've just said that you're happy with me. As long as I can make you happy, I'll be happy. We can have a wonderful life together, and maybe with time, you'll learn to fall in love with me a little bit more… and even if you don't… I'll understand. Kurt, I've had to share you since the moment I met you. You always belonged to him. But I don't care, as long as I can still give you a reason to smile…"

Kurt was filled with the deepest sadness and regret. He had given this man hope and illusions, and he was tearing them apart now. He had promised his love and his life to him, only to realize he had already given them to someone else, someone who had owned them all along. Kurt had never planned this – he had only tried to do his best with the pieces of his broken heart.

"I can't marry you, Alex," Kurt murmured, hating himself for having to say those words. "It wouldn't be fair to you…"

"I want to. Kurt, _I want to_," Alex practically pleaded. "Nothing has to change…"

"But Blaine…" Kurt started, only to get interrupted once again.

"Blaine can't give you the life you deserve and you know it as well as I do. He's not the boy you fell in love with, Kurt. He's a different man with many issues, and even if you love him, you know you can't have the life you want with him," Alexandre's eyes filled with tears.

"But that's the thing, Alex," Kurt answered sadly. "I don't think I care what kind of life I have, as long as I get to have him."

"Kurt…" Alexandre shook his head vehemently. "Please. Just… think about it. We can fix this. We can still be happy together…"

Kurt pulled his hand away from Alexandre's and looked down at his engagement ring. For a few months, looking at it had reassured him – he had managed to build a new life with a new man even after how damaged he had been when Blaine broke his heart. Now… it was a heavy burden. Every second he kept the ring on his finger was another second that he allowed Alex to hope for something he couldn't give him.

He took the ring off and placed it on Alexandre's hand. "I'm sorry, Alex. I really wanted to be the man you deserved."

Only then did Kurt finally break down, realizing he was giving up a rare chance of having a perfect life, with a perfect man. Everything with Blaine was uncertain and he was risking what he had built so carefully, while breaking Alexandre's heart in the process.

Kurt had never hated himself as much as he did in that moment. After ten years of healing slowly and learning how to love and trust again, he was taking a million steps back just to fall into Blaine's arms once again.

He just hoped Blaine would catch him this time.

* * *

As soon as Blaine stepped out of the hotel after handing Kurt the divorce papers, he realized he was shaking violently. He covered his mouth with his hand, thinking for a moment that he was going to be sick, as he stumbled down the street, needing to get away from there as soon as possible.

He walked aimlessly, only knowing he needed to put some distance between him and that building where everything had ended. Blaine felt lost – for a decade, his whole life had revolved around Kurt. For the past eight years, that secret marriage had been the crutch he had leaned on when he couldn't find strength to get on his feet. Now, in the blink of an eye, everything was over.

He had finally let go of Kurt and he felt completely empty now, like he didn't even have a purpose.

He somehow ended at a park, and he let himself drop onto a bench. Blaine hugged his knees against his chest and cried bitterly into his own arms. He was scared. Being Kurt's husband had given him a sense of belonging, but now he was completely alone, and he was just Blaine again.

And he hadn't liked being _Blaine _in a very, very long time.

Where would he go? What would he do? Some of the thoughts passing through his mind terrified him. He had never felt anything stronger than his feelings for Kurt, both pain and happiness. The pain was choking him now, and he couldn't see through his tears.

"I did the right thing," he murmured to himself. "I did the right thing."

Kurt deserved the happiness he hadn't been able to give him. Alexandre seemed to be a good guy and he had won Kurt's heart. Blaine couldn't stay in their way. Even if this was killing him, he knew he had done the right thing.

It still didn't mean he wasn't scared. Blaine tended to do very stupid things when he was upset.

He just wanted to be somewhere where he could stop feeling so devastatingly alone.

Without giving it much thought, because he knew he would change his mind if he did, Blaine stood and started walking. This time, he had a direction and he walked steadily even though he hadn't stopped shaking. He walked and walked until the streets started looking achingly familiar, until the traffic slowed down and the buildings disappeared and were replaced by beautiful houses. He walked down streets lined with trees and the distant sound of children playing and riding their bikes.

He walked until he was on a doorstep in front of a door he hadn't knocked in years.

This time, he did knock.

Blaine wrapped his arms around himself as he waited, and sniffed. _I did the right thing_.

When the door finally opened less than a minute later, Blaine found himself face to face with his brother for the first time in a very long time. Cooper looked exactly the same – maybe with a few grey strands on his hair, but just as handsome as ever. His brother's eyes widened in shock at seeing him there, and Blaine felt the rest of his walls coming down completely, crumbling around him. He had no strength left to keep them up.

"Coop…" He murmured, doing his best not to cry. There was so much he wanted to say, after so long without his brother, but all the words got tangled and lost. _I'm sorry. I've never meant to hurt anyone. I did the right thing_. Instead, he managed to say the one thing he hadn't dared saying in a decade. "Coop… I need help."

* * *

**I'm looking forward to reading your comments about this chapter. Please, share them with me!**

**I promise to be back as soon as I can! Bear with me for a little while, and I hope it'll be worth it :)**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Love you all,**

**L.-**


	12. Chapter 12

**Hello everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful week. **

**Thank you so much for all the AMAZING reviews. It means a lot to me that you take the time to read and review. **

**Thanks to my fabulous betas, Wutif and Christine, for their help with this and all the other chapters. They are truly a blessing.**

**I own nothing. Enjoy!**

* * *

The longer Cooper remained silent, staring at him in mild shock, the more Blaine regretted coming back to see his brother. He kept his arms wrapped around himself, knowing it was the only thing keeping him together right now, and lowered his eyes to his shoes when the intense blue gaze felt like too much.

He had been so stupid. Why had he thought Cooper would help him? He didn't deserve to be helped…

"Blaine…" Cooper murmured, sounding bewildered. He shook his head slightly, and cleared his throat, leaving all his questions unasked for now. He looked back over his shoulder at the empty corridor and then back at his brother. "Why don't you come in?"

Blaine glanced back at him in surprise at those words. He had expected Cooper to give him some sort of excuse and dismiss him. Some other time, if he had been angry as he used to be, he would've lashed out at Cooper, but not now. He was done hiding behind his anger, especially since he had always only been angry at himself.

Cooper opened the door wider, inviting Blaine to step inside. He entered tentatively, feeling like he was stepping into the past. He hadn't been here in years, but it felt exactly the same, warm and welcoming as ever. This had been the best home Blaine had ever had. When he lived with his parents, he had always felt like he was constantly choking, waiting for the moment when he could break free. His parents hadn't made it easier for him, either – they had never bothered denying they were only putting up with him until he was old enough to leave. His current apartment was a dumpster, a refuge more than a home, somewhere where he could hide from the world and wallow in his own anguish without people bothering him. But this… this house was everything Blaine imagined a home was. The memories of living with his brother and finally feeling like he was part of a loving family had been pushed to the back of his mind when they had turned too painful to think about.

Cooper guided him into the kitchen, which also looked just as Blaine remembered it. The only change seemed to be the drawings on the refrigerator's door, held by magnets. He had to bite his lips to stop his tears – his nieces were old enough to walk, talk and draw now. He had missed so much…

"Take a seat," Cooper said, sounding a bit awkward. Blaine couldn't blame him. He felt the tension too. "I'll make some coffee and we can talk."

Blaine nodded carefully. "Yeah, I… I'd like that."

"Good," Cooper gestured towards the kitchen table and Blaine took a seat on the edge of one of the chairs.

Blaine forced himself to unclench his hands, and clasped them against the surface of the table, trying to still their constant tremors. He had no idea what was going to happen next, or what Cooper was going to say or do to him.

_I did the right thing._

If he had done the right thing, why did he feel so sick?

Cooper had been watching him as he searched for the coffee in the cupboard. "Have you eaten lately?"

The question confused Blaine for a moment. He remembered getting up this morning and throwing up all the alcohol and pills that were still in his system. He remembered drinking the previous day. He couldn't remember a single meal. "I… no. Not since… uhm…"

Wordlessly, Cooper walked towards the fridge and pulled it open. He stared at the contents for a moment, and then pulled several things out, before moving to the pantry and doing the same. Blaine looked at him for a second, but then returned his eyes to his own hands. It seemed easier that way. It seemed easier to ignore that he and his brother were practically strangers now.

A white plate appeared before him soon after, with a sandwich on it. Blaine blinked up at his brother, feeling lost.

"Roasted chicken, lettuce, tomato, onions, mustard, farmhouse bread..." Cooper listed. He looked serious, but his eyes were fixed on Blaine. "That's still your favorite, right?"

Blaine felt a little choked up. His lower lip trembled a little. "I… yes. Yes, it's still my favorite."

"Then eat up," Cooper answered, going back to finish making their coffee. "You look like you need it."

Blaine ate slowly. It didn't matter how long it had been since he had had a decent meal, he was still too overwhelmed to be truly hungry. He couldn't stop thinking about Kurt and what life was going to be like from now on. He felt blind – he couldn't see ahead. His immediate future was enveloped in darkness and too many things were uncertain.

Cooper put two cups of coffee on the table and sat in front of him. He watched his younger brother for a minute or two without saying anything, and Blaine waited, wishing Cooper could be the one to get the conversation started, but knowing he was the one who had to explain himself.

He noticed how quiet the house was. He chewed another bite of sandwich and then asked: "Where's, uh, Madison?"

He knew his sister-in-law wouldn't be thrilled to see him, and he didn't want to cause his brother any trouble. Maybe he should've thought this through a little better…

"She's out with the girls. They needed new shoes," Cooper replied quietly.

The girls. God, he missed them so much. He kept his eyes on his sandwich, realizing he couldn't swallow any more food. There was a lump in his throat. "How are the girls?"

"Great. Getting bigger every day," Cooper said, the fondness and pride clear in his voice.

Silence fell upon them once more and Blaine fought to keep his thoughts in order. So much had happened in just a few hours, and he felt like running away and screaming at the top of his lungs.

_I did the right thing._

"Blaine," Cooper said in a firm, but gentle voice. Blaine looked up at him, startled. "Are you going to tell me what's going on?"

Blaine started nervously picking at his nails. "I don't really know where to start…"

"Well, you said you needed help…" Cooper offered carefully.

"Yeah, but… I… it's too complicated," Blaine was picking so hard at his nails that he was about to draw blood. He almost jumped a foot in the air when Cooper put his hand on top of his to stop him.

"Whatever you need to say… I'm here, and I'll listen, Blaine," he assured him, and it took all the strength Blaine had left not to crumble on the table and cry.

Those words were enough to make Blaine feel sufficiently safe to start talking. "I… I guess it all started back in high school. When I… when I cheated on Kurt. I know everyone thought he was just my high school sweetheart and that it would be over and we would move on, but I… knew it was so much more than that, and I never managed to move on from it. He's the only man I've ever loved, the only one I've imagined a life with, and it's my fault that we didn't get it…"

"You were just a kid, Blaine…" Cooper muttered, trying to comfort him.

"No. If I was mature enough to fall in love, I should've been mature enough to stop myself from hurting him…" Blaine toyed with his cup of coffee, needing to do something with his hands. "And I wasn't. I should've been stronger… no, no, please, let me speak…" he rushed to say when it seemed like Cooper was about to interrupt. "I… it's not easy for me, to talk about all this."

"I'm sorry. I won't interrupt," Cooper promised and took a sip of coffee as he waited for Blaine to continue.

"Well, you know most of what happened afterwards. I didn't want to go to New York anymore, so I ended up here with you. Things were hard, but I pretended to be over it, because I thought it would be easier to go on with my life like that. Except it wasn't. And a couple of years later, Mike Chang called me and told me he was marrying Tina, and he invited me to the wedding and the bachelor party. The bachelor party was in Vegas, so I decided to go. A part of me was hoping Kurt would be there, but I was sure he would be with the girls," Blaine sighed. He still remembered the shock of seeing Kurt standing in the hotel lobby with his brother and typing on his phone. He remembered how Kurt had looked up and their eyes had locked into each other. He remembered how Kurt had looked away immediately, ignoring him completely. "But he was there. I wanted to turn around and come back to Los Angeles immediately, but I stayed. Mike was a good friend, and I couldn't just walk away. Then, that night, we all got drunk, of course. I wasn't completely inebriated like most of them, though. I remember everything that happened… and… the more Kurt drank, the looser he got. He actually… he talked to me. He was angry at first, and he told me he hated me, and that I had ruined everything, and how he couldn't stop thinking about me. He kissed me, at some point. I was so happy to see him again, to touch him again… the more we kissed the happier he seemed too, and then we somehow ended at one of those stupid chapels and we… we got married."

At this, he looked at Cooper with an embarrassed expression on his face. Cooper must have heard that from Kurt, however, because he simply nodded sadly and gestured for him to continue.

"Uhm," Blaine hesitated. The memories from that night kept rushing back and hitting him like a freight train. He remembered Kurt's enthusiastic _I do_ and the off-centered, sloppy kiss he gave Blaine once they were declared as husbands. That night was etched in his mind, especially how Kurt had pulled him into his hotel room and pushed him down on the bed. They had kissed and made love until they passed out. "I woke up the following day and realized what we had done. But I was really, really stupid, god, I didn't even… I didn't want to tell him. I didn't want him to be mad at me again, to hate me again and I… I left. I just grabbed my things and returned to Los Angeles and never told anyone that Kurt and I had gotten married." He ran his hand through his messy hair and tugged on the curls a little, desperately. "I wanted to call him, to let him know what had happened, but I wasn't brave enough. Something finally felt right for the first time in years, and I was so stupid and I didn't want to let it go, so I just…"

"You stayed married to him," Cooper finished for him, and Blaine looked at him with a sad smile on his face.

"Yeah," Blaine mumbled. "I thought… a part of me thought it would make things easier. I felt a little better, knowing that we belonged to each other, even though it was so wrong…"

Cooper nodded slowly. "I can't say that what you did was right, but I guess I understand why you did it."

Blaine looked down at his plate, at his half-eaten sandwich. "It only got worse, though. For a little while, it seemed like being Kurt's husband helped, but then… I was still going to bed alone at night, and I still didn't have him around to share things with. I couldn't even see him or talk to him… so I… I guess I let it destroy me. That's when I dropped out of school…"

"That was more stupid than marrying Kurt, if you ask me," Cooper muttered, but when Blaine glared at him, he rolled his eyes. "Fine. No interruptions. Go on."

Blaine swallowed. He was so ashamed of what was coming next. "Uh, I believe that's when I started drinking? I didn't realize what I was doing first, I just knew that when I got drunk I didn't think so hard and things didn't hurt the way they did when I was sober. And then, not very long after that, uhm… that incident with the girls happened…"

When Blaine paused, Cooper nodded again. His eyes were darker and severe. "I remember."

"Cooper, I'm so… I don't think I ever apologized properly for that. I never meant to cause any harm. I just… I couldn't control myself… I…" Blaine felt the tears running down his cheeks and he wiped them quickly, even more ashamed. "I had put them to bed and I was changing the channels on the television, and _Moulin Rouge_ was on. It's one of Kurt's favorite movies, and we used to watch it together almost every weekend when we were dating. We kept saying that _Come What May _was going to be our first dance in our wedding, and I…" He stopped and struggled to hold back a sob that was threatening to break through his lips. "I just couldn't take it. I'm sorry, Cooper. I'm sorry." He covered his face with his hands and felt his shoulders shake with the force of his repressed sobs. "I love those girls. I love them. I would never hurt them. I'm so sorry…"

He heard the sound of a chair scrape against the floor, and then suddenly Cooper's arms were around him, and Blaine was letting go and burying his face in his brother's chest and crying harder than he had cried in years. It was all too much – life hurt too much.

"It's okay, Squirt," Cooper whispered in his ear. "I know you didn't mean to hurt anyone. I know. It's okay now."

"It's not," Blaine protested shakily. "It's not. My whole family hates me. Something could have happened to them, because I couldn't hold my shit together for two hours…"

"Nothing happened to them. Ava and Olivia are okay. Yes, you made a mistake and Madison and I were mad at you, but it's in the past now, Blaine. I promise. It's okay," Cooper dropped on the chair next to his and pulled him closer, hugging him tightly.

He allowed his brother to hold him for a few minutes, taking comfort in knowing Cooper was right there. God, he had missed him. Even though he had pretended he didn't need anybody, Blaine had missed his family.

Cooper pulled away then and squeezed his shoulder gently. "Are you ready to continue? Or do you want some time?"

"No, I… I should probably get this over with," Blaine sniffed and wiped the tears off his face before taking a deep breath. "Well… after that, things just got worse somehow. Everything seemed harder, and Kurt's absence was like a physical pain, like something I couldn't get rid of, something that was weighing down on me. I felt like I was completely alone, and I knew it was all my fault, and I just… I wanted that pain to stop. So I…" God, he felt so pathetic. "I started taking pills. Painkillers, mostly. There were lots of them."

"Blaine…" Cooper murmured sadly.

Blaine hung his head in shame. "I know. I know, Coop. I just… I didn't know what I was doing. And there were also the hook-ups. I was having one-night stands pretty much every night. I guess I just needed to feel something, anything but the pain, you know? So I let go. I stopped caring about what I did and who I was with, and I just did a lot of stupid things. It was easier than feeling sorry for myself all the time, and it was definitely easier than crying about everything I had lost nonstop." He paused. There was no point in getting into any more details about that. Cooper didn't need to know about the time he had mixed so many different pills he almost overdosed, or the time he had dragged a stranger into his apartment and the guy ended being too rough and hitting him, and how Blaine had been too drunk to even try to stop him. "And then Kurt showed up."

Cooper knew a bit about what had happened since Kurt had arrived, but Blaine filled in the blanks. He told him how hard it had been to see him again, and how he had known exactly why Kurt was there before Kurt brought up the divorce. He told Cooper how he avoided him at first because he was too scared of having to learn how to live without that tiny little thread that kept them together, because despite how miserable his life was, this little secret, knowing that he was connected to Kurt, was enough to make him get up every morning.

He told Cooper how it got harder and harder to see Kurt and being around him, and how he barely could control himself with him. He told him about pushing Kurt against the wall outside the bar that night, and how terrified of him Kurt had looked. It had shattered Blaine, scaring Kurt like that. But Kurt kept pushing him, and Blaine was on the edge – he was having a hard time stopping himself from kissing Kurt.

"I would never hurt him…" Blaine sobbed. "I would never lay a hand on him… but he thought… how can I blame him?"

Cooper rubbed his back as Blaine finished telling him everything. He told him about the time they had spent together, about how Kurt had kissed him and they had slept together; about Alexandre's call the following morning and the visit they paid him together. He told him about going to Kurt's hotel earlier and handing him the papers.

He told him how terrified he was of letting go of the one true love of his life.

"It's over," Blaine whispered brokenly. And then he added, mostly to himself, "I did the right thing…"

Cooper pulled him back into his arms and Blaine cried for a few more minutes, as he let fear wash over him. He felt just as lost as when he had walked out of Kurt's hotel. He wondered if Kurt and his fiancé were at the airport already, eager to start their life together without Blaine there to fuck everything up for them again.

"Blaine," Cooper said softly, running his hand through his brother's curls. "Tell me what you need. Do you need to get into some kind of rehab? Do you think that would help? Or maybe therapy?"

Blaine exhaled heavily and thought about it. He knew he had gotten into alcohol and pills because he thought they would help, but they never did. They never erased his pain or kept him from his memories. He had stuck with them because he had nothing left to lose, but his body didn't crave a drink or the numbness a pill could provide. He was lucky, he guessed, at least with this. He knew he could just walk away. Those addictions had never been a problem, because the real addiction was completely different.

"No," Blaine said, shaking his head. "No, I don't think that would be necessary. I just need… I just want to stop feeling so _alone_. I want to stop hurting because Kurt doesn't want me. I want to learn how to live without him, even though I should've learnt years ago. And I want…" He paused and swallowed with difficulty, knowing he was about to ask too much of his brother. "I want my family back, Coop. I want my big brother back. I want you to stop hating me and I want to see my nieces grow. I've already missed too much, I've been so stupid…"

When new tears sprung to his eyes, Cooper wrapped him again in his arms. "I don't hate you. I could never hate you, Squirt. You'll always be my kid brother." He messed his brother's curls even more than they were by ruffling them playfully. "I'm sure the girls will be happy to have their uncle Blaine back…"

Blaine held back a sob and covered his mouth with a hand. "Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure."

"What about Madison? Won't you get in trouble with her?" Blaine asked, hesitantly. Even if it hurt, he would walk away immediately if his presence meant his brother would be having trouble with his wife.

"No, I won't. She understands. I promise, it'll be alright," Cooper smiled at him, and damn, Blaine had missed seeing his brother's smile directed at him. "I'll talk to her when she comes home. Don't worry about a thing."

"Thank you, Coop," Blaine sniffed and tried to calm a little. "I guess… I guess I should go now, let you go back to…"

"Oh, no," Cooper interrupted, stopping Blaine before he could stand. "No, no, no. You're not going anywhere."

"But…" Blaine frowned in confusion.

"Do you really think that I'm going to let my little brother go so easily? I haven't seen you in years, and you actually look like hell. You're not going anywhere, Blaine. I want you to stay here, with us."

"What?" Blaine's eyes widened in surprise. "Are you crazy? What will Madison…?"

"I told you, don't worry. I will talk to her," Cooper put a hand on his brother's shoulder and looked into his eyes intently. "I should have helped you years ago, Blaine. I'm sorry."

"I understand. You didn't have to help me. You were looking after your family…" Blaine shrugged as if it didn't matter.

Cooper squeezed his shoulder and his voice cracked a little when he spoke again. "You are my family too."

As Blaine started crying again, he realized those words were more healing than any pills he could ever take.

* * *

Once Blaine had calmed down a little, they had moved to the living room, where they continued talking for what felt like hours. There was so much they needed to say to each other, so many stories to catch up with. Cooper insisted until Blaine finished eating his sandwich, and Blaine had to stop him from making more. Then they simply sat together on the couch, and Cooper pulled Blaine to his side and let his baby brother cuddle him, knowing how Blaine had always found comfort in touch.

That was probably how Blaine had fallen asleep. He regained consciousness slowly, feeling quite confused as he heard voices, enveloped in warm and an unexpected sensation of safety, that reminded him he was in his brother's house. Then he recognized the voices and stayed very still, worried he would be kicked out very soon.

"… sure he's okay?"

"He will be. But he needs to be with people who love him…"

"I know. I know how worried you've been about him, and I love him, too, Cooper. I want him to be safe. I'm just a little concerned…"

"This will be good for him. He broke down completely, Madison, and I just don't want him to do anything stupid…"

"What makes you think he won't do anything stupid while he's here? We have to think of Ava and Olivia…"

"Trust me, I'm thinking of them. I'm thinking of how I want them to actually get to know their uncle. And I want him to get better, too. I believe he finally has the chance to, Maddy. You should've heard him… he's ready. He's ready to take the next step and move on."

There was a long sigh and Blaine closed his eyes more tightly. He couldn't blame Madison for not wanting him there. If the roles had been reversed, he would have done the same. Blaine didn't want to cause his brother any trouble. Maybe he could slip out of the house unnoticed…

The voices continued talking, this time in merely whispers, so Blaine couldn't make out the words. He took a deep breath and braced himself for what he was about to do. Cooper accepting him back into his family had been the one good thing happening to him in years, and he was sad to have to let it go.

But when he opened his eyes, he found himself faced with two pairs of bright blue eyes peeking from the edge of the couch and staring at him in wonder.

"Hello," a high-pitched voice said, before giggling.

Blaine blinked and sat up a little. "Uhm. Hi."

"Who are you?" The girl asked.

"I'm… I'm Blaine," Blaine replied, not sure if his nieces knew of his existence.

"Uncle Blaine?" The girl asked once more, as her sister tried to hide behind her.

Blaine felt a rush of gratitude all over him. Cooper had talked to his daughters about him. "Yes, I'm your uncle Blaine."

Both girls squealed happily, and the one who had spoken grabbed her sister's hand and tugged until she followed her. They both climbed onto the couch and sat next to Blaine's feet, smiling at him.

"Hi. I'm Ava," the less shy one said, and then pointed at the other girl. "This is Olivia."

"It's really nice to see you again, girls," Blaine said, as the first genuine smile came onto his lips. He was dying to pull them into his arms and hug them, but he wasn't sure if he was allowed to. "You are so big… last time I saw you, you were tiny little babies."

"Mommy says we are ladies now," Olivia murmured softly.

"But Daddy says we are still babies," Ava added. "Did you bring presents, uncle Blaine?"

Ava really was a force to be reckoned with. Blaine imagined his brother would have his hands full with her in just a few more years. "No, I'm sorry, girls. I wasn't exactly planning to, uhm, to visit."

"Oh," Ava pouted. Then she shrugged. "It's okay. Will you play with us? We have lots of dolls. You can pick the prettiest one."

Blaine's heart clenched in his chest. God, he didn't want to say goodbye to them so soon. "I would love to play with you, but I… I should probably get going."

Olivia frowned sadly. "Why?"

"Well, sometimes adults… sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. I don't want to go, but I have to," Blaine explained, doing his best not to cry.

"But when are you coming back? After dinner? Can we play then? Or tomorrow?" Ava insisted, crawling closer to him.

Blaine sniffed and stubbornly refused to let the tears fall. "I…"

"What would you girls say if your uncle Blaine lived with us for a while?"

Blaine startled at that, and turned to see Madison leaning against the wall, watching them. Cooper was standing behind her with his arms around her waist and a radiant smile.

"What?" Blaine asked in confusion, as the twins dissolved in cheers.

"Yes! Yes! Stay with us, Uncle Blaine! Stay!" They pleaded, as they climbed onto his lap and threw their little arms around his neck.

Blaine hugged them back eagerly, taking in the sweet floral scent of their shampoo. His brother and sister-in-law were watching them fondly, but Blaine wasn't sure he understood what was going on. Why would Madison want him there?

His eyes found hers across the room and she must have seen how insecure he felt, because her smile turned warmer.

"Blaine, stay with us," she said gently.

"A-are you sure?" Blaine muttered. He didn't want to leave. He was scared of leaving.

"I trust you," she answered, and those words flooded Blaine with such emotion he almost started sobbing into the twins' hair. "We would love to have you here for as long as you need to stay."

Blaine wanted to thank her, wanted to apologize over and over for the things he couldn't change and the mistakes he had made. He wanted to promise he wouldn't screw up again. But he wasn't capable of doing any of those things, through the lump of gratitude in his throat. So, he simply nodded, with his eyes full of tears, and Madison understood.

Blaine hugged his nieces tightly, letting their squeals of delight wash over him, and promised himself he wouldn't screw up this opportunity.

_I did the right thing_.

* * *

**I loved writing this chapter. I felt like Coop and Blaine really needed some one-on-one time to sort things out. I hope they didn't disappoint ;)**

**Please review! Hope you enjoyed.**

**Have a wonderful week, and I'll see you again soon.**

**Love,**

**L.-**


	13. Chapter 13

**Hello everyone!**

**As usual, I want to thank you for being such wonderful readers and reviewers. I appreciate your words of encouragement and your love so damn much, you have no idea. Thank you.**

**I want to thank my beautiful betas, Wutif and Christine, as usual.**

**I own nothing. I hope you enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

After a very long, tearful conversation, Kurt sat numbly on the edge of the bed, watching Alex pack. They'd decided that he would return to New York first and remove his belongings from their apartment, to avoid any more painful encounters. Clearly, their relationship was over, no matter how much Alex begged him to reconsider.

Alex clung to Kurt when he hugged him goodbye at the door, obviously reluctant to leave. Kurt's heart broke all over again – he hated to be responsible for someone else's pain, especially since Alex had been nothing but wonderful to him from the moment they had gotten together.

"I'm sorry," he said for the millionth time, and his voice was hoarse from all the crying.

"If you change your mind…" Alex started saying, but Kurt interrupted him, unable to discuss this once again.

"Alex…" He muttered, cautioning.

Alexandre swallowed with difficulty and nodded. "I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't push you…"

"It's not that. You know I wish I could give you what you want…" Kurt whispered sadly. "But I can't. It just wasn't meant to be."

It was obvious Alexandre didn't agree with that, but they both knew there wasn't anything else to say, and that Kurt wouldn't change his mind, no matter what.

Kurt pulled away and smiled at him sadly. He wanted to keep apologizing, but knew the words weren't enough anymore. Alex grabbed his suitcase and looked at him one last time – even though they worked together sometimes, this could very well be the last time they ever saw each other. It was as if Alexandre wanted to etch the shape of Kurt's face, the color of his eyes and the softness of his hair into his memory, so he would never forget him.

"_Au revoir, mon ange_," he whispered, and walked away.

Kurt watched him, but when he didn't feel the same pang of regret and sadness he had felt when he had watched Blaine walk away from him, he knew he had done the right thing.

The first few steps back to Blaine had been taken – now he needed to get ready for the rest of this very long road.

He just hoped Blaine still wanted to take it with him.

* * *

Even though he was dying to run back to Blaine's apartment, Kurt made himself wait. He had just broken up with his fiancé and had decided in a matter of minutes that he wanted to give his ex-boyfriend a chance. It was all very confusing, and he knew he needed to take a step back and think about what he was doing before he rushed into something he wasn't ready for.

He spent the hours after Alexandre left replaying what had happened the past few days in his head. He thought about Blaine and how difficult things would be if they tried to be together again. He thought about the years he had spent hurting, and how Alexandre had been a Band-Aid, but hadn't been able to cure any wounds. He thought about how crazy he was for wanting to do this, but how right it felt at the same time.

Life didn't come without risks. His happiness was at stake, but he knew Blaine held the answers and the possibilities for a happily-ever-after.

The next day, he knew there was something he needed to do that he couldn't keep putting off. Kurt had always felt better after talking things through with his father, and he would have to tell his father about what had happened eventually.

_What better time than the present? _Kurt thought as he dialed his dad's number.

It rang a few times before Burt's powerful voice appeared on the other end of the line, immediately filling Kurt with relief. In a way, he would never stop being that little boy who had always needed his dad to comfort him after something happened.

"Kurt! I was just telling Carole that I was thinking about giving you a call tonight," Burt said, and Kurt could hear his stepmother in the background, telling her husband to send Kurt her love. "How are you, buddy? Are you still in Los Angeles?"

"Yes." Kurt replied briefly, his voice hoarse from pent up emotion. Burt immediately picked up on the sound of his voice, thick with worrying. Immediately the atmosphere changed from friendly interest, to worried concern.

"Kurt? What's wrong? What happened?" His father asked. Kurt wished he wasn't so far away, so he could melt against his side, to let him soothe him, and tell him everything would be okay. Things were always okay, if Burt said they would be.

"I… I broke up with Alex," Kurt muttered and he realized there was a fresh batch of tears coming. He reached for the box of tissues on the nightstand and held it to his chest.

There was a second or two of silence as Burt took in the news. "Are you okay?"

Kurt was still too affected to notice there wasn't even the smallest surprise in his dad's tone. "I will be, I guess. It's still… difficult. I never meant to hurt him. He didn't deserve it." Kurt sniffed and blew his nose on a clean tissue. "Dad, I… I slept with Blaine."

Burt sighed heavily. "I'm not gonna lie, buddy. I had a feeling something would happen between you two. No matter how pissed at each other you are, how hurt or frustrated… there's a spark between you that you will never be able to put out. I've never seen two people with more chemistry…"

"I just feel so awful," Kurt said miserably. "I spent a decade mad at Blaine because he cheated on me and then I did the same thing to the one man who never did anything to hurt me. Why am I such a horrible person?"

"Why did you break up with Alex, Kurt?" Burt asked patiently.

"Because it was the right thing to do," Kurt replied, shifting so he could hide under the blankets and hug his pillow. "I told him what I did…"

"A horrible person wouldn't have said anything, married the guy and lived a lie until the end of his days," Burt said. "You're not a horrible person, Kurt. You couldn't stand the thought of lying to him…"

"Of course not. He deserves better…"

"And so do you. I know you've always thought I didn't like Alex, but I have nothing against him. He's a wonderful man who treats you like a prince and I couldn't ask for a better husband for you… but I also always knew that you didn't belong with him, and that you would never be a hundred percent happy with him."

Kurt frowned. "But I was happy with him. Two weeks ago I wouldn't have changed a damn thing in my life…"

"Kurt, you're my son and I'll always be able to see right through you. Alex was great, perfect even… but he wasn't the man you wanted," Burt murmured kindly. "The man you wanted broke your heart so you spent a decade trying to figure out how to live your life with a hole inside of you that you didn't know how to fill."

Kurt sniffed again and reached for another tissue. "I hate that you know me so well."

Burt chuckled and the sound managed to warm Kurt a million times more than the blankets around him. "I'm sorry, buddy, but I love you, so I gotta be honest with you."

"I love you too," Kurt whispered, wishing again that his dad's arms were around him, to comfort him.

"I know. And I know you love Blaine, too," Burt said softly. "So what does he have to say about all this?"

"I don't know. I haven't seen him again," Kurt sighed sadly. "He showed up here, to give me the signed divorce papers, and then took off, before I could react. I think he hit a wall dad. I've never seen him like that."

Kurt told his father about everything that had happened since the last time they had spoken, not leaving any details out – except for those very intimate ones that had to do with the night they had spent together. It didn't matter how much he could trust his father, Burt definitely didn't need to know about that to understand the full situation.

Burt was silent for a moment once Kurt finished talking and Kurt didn't push him to say anything, knowing his dad needed to process what he had just said, and content with the pause that allowed him to listen to his dad's steady, comforting breathing.

"Oh that poor boy," he finally muttered and Kurt could hear the pain in his words. "He tortured himself for too long. It was bound to end like this."

"I've been dying to go to his apartment, but I'm not sure it's the right time. Do you think I should…?" Kurt asked, hoping against reason that his father would say yes.

"I think you're doing the right thing. You're not the only one coming to terms with this new change, Kurt. I bet Blaine is trying to come to terms with the fact that the only thing that kept him going for so many years is over," Burt answered calmly. "You just broke up with your fiancé and this whole situation has been more than difficult. I think you need to wait. You can't go looking for him if you're still crying about Alex…"

"But…" Kurt wanted to protest, ignore his father's advice and go to Blaine's apartment.

"Kurt." Burt cut him off. "You're asking for my opinion and I'm giving it to you. You both have stuff to figure out on your own before you can start making decisions together."

"But what if he does something stupid? You haven't seen what he's capable of," Kurt bit his lip, worried, as he remembered the bottles of alcohol and pills. "I don't want him to hurt himself."

Burt considered what Kurt had told him about Blaine's problems. Neither of them wanted anything drastic to happen to him, but he had to trust that Blaine had managed this long because he wanted to survive. "He's stronger than you're giving him credit for. If he signed those papers for you, it means he's trying to make things right, so I don't think he'll hurt himself. It isn't going to help him make any progress if you go back to him now, while you're still grieving over Alex. Give it some time, Kurt, before you confront him again."

Oh, Kurt really hated when his father was so logical and wise. "You're right," he admitted heavily. "I need to give him a bit more time. But I'm not… I feel terrible about Alex, but I'm not confused, Dad. I love Blaine. I've always loved Blaine. He's the man I need."

"Then put your thoughts in order, come up with a way to make this work and go get him back," Burt said. Getting Blaine back… just the thought made Kurt's heart speed. "And make sure to tell him I miss him and that I would love to talk to him, if he wants to give me a phone call."

Kurt smiled into his pillow and thanked his lucky stars for having such a wonderful, understanding father. "Thanks, Dad."

"You're welcome, buddy."

For the first time since this whole mess had started, Kurt had the feeling that everything would be okay.

* * *

Cooper stood by the window, smiling as he watched Blaine play hide and seek with his daughters. Olivia was easily visible hiding behind a spindly tree, but Blaine was pretending he had no idea where she was, looking the wrong way while she giggled in delight.

He knew he had done the right thing when he had decided to ask Blaine to stay with them. Even though his brother still looked miserable most of the time, the genuine smiles he wore when he was around his nieces gave Cooper hope.

Cooper and Madison had stayed up the first night Blaine spent with them, getting rid of every bottle of alcohol they had in the house and checking they didn't have anything that would put Blaine in danger available to him inside the house. They kept the girls' allergy and cold meds in Madison's nightstand and threw away everything else – his wife had told him maybe they were overreacting a little, but Cooper wanted to make sure that his brother would be safe. A movie had been enough to trigger Blaine before – he didn't want to take any risks.

He hadn't allowed Blaine to go back to his apartment, either. He had gone himself to get his brother some clothes and other personal items that he might need, but he wasn't sure if going back there would be helpful or damaging to him. Cooper had taken the chance to raid the apartment as well, but he hadn't been able to find a single drop of alcohol or pills. He packed Blaine's clothes, his guitar and his boxing equipment, but left the picture of Kurt behind. Blaine needed to put Kurt where he belonged – in his past. Keeping mementos of his ex-boyfriend wouldn't help him heal. It would keep him stuck in his heartbreak, and he had already wasted too much time.

Cooper and Blaine had installed the boxing bag in the basement, and Blaine used it at least once a day, when he felt especially vulnerable and needed a way out. He took his frustrations and pain out on the bag, and he usually looked a lot calmer after a good hour or two in the basement on his own. Cooper was still worried, but he knew Blaine wouldn't get better in the blink of an eye. He was still struggling.

The guitar, however, had remained untouched. Music had always been a wonderful outlet for Blaine, but he didn't sing, listen to the radio or play anymore. Cooper guessed it was too painful for him – music had always been a link between him and Kurt, and when one is heartbroken, it's too easy to find the person you love, miss and need in every lyric. Cooper hoped he would manage to overcome it someday. He missed his brother's beautiful voice filling every corner of the house. He wouldn't even sing the girls to sleep…

A hand settled on his arm and Cooper looked down at his wife. She was also staring out the window, watching her daughters and brother-in-law.

"He looks healthier…" She muttered, as if she was trying to find the bright side.

"He doesn't look any happier, though," Cooper replied with a sigh.

Madison kissed the curve of his shoulder and squeezed his arm for comfort. "These things take time. He'll get there. At least he doesn't have to get by on his own anymore. He has us now."

"I know," Cooper closed his eyes for a moment and then turned fully to his wife. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to kiss her forehead.

"We need some groceries. I think I'm going to go to the store now and take the girls with me. You can spend some time with Blaine, talk to him. Ava and Olivia are always with him lately, and I know you've been meaning to have a real conversation with him," she said and Cooper wondered how he had gotten so lucky, finding such a perfect woman.

"You're the best," he kissed her and then she pulled away with a smile, before walking to the kitchen door and calling the girls into the house.

Cooper helped Madison buckle the girls into their booster seats, kissed them and promised he would make burgers on the grill for dinner. His delighted daughters waved happily as their car drove down the street.

Blaine was getting a bottle of water from the fridge when Cooper went back into the house. His brother's hair was curling around his face and his cheeks were flushed after running around with the girls all afternoon. Madison was right. He did look healthier.

"You do know you don't have to do everything they want you to, right?" Cooper teased with a smile. "You're not one of their dolls. You don't have to play with them all day long."

"I love to play with them," Blaine replied, leaning against the counter. "I'm making up for lost time. I missed them."

"I know you did," Cooper looked at his brother for a few seconds and then sighed. "Blaine, we need to talk."

Blaine's eyes widened in dismay, looking terrified. His free hand grasped the edge of the counter so tightly his knuckles turned white. "I… you want me to leave, don't you? Did I do something wrong? Is it because Olivia fell from the swings when we went to the park yesterday? I'm so sorry! I didn't mean for her to get hurt, I swear. I was helping Ava with her shoe laces…"

"Blaine, Blaine!" Cooper raised his hands in front of him to stop his brother's frantic words. "Calm down. No one's kicking you out. You didn't do anything wrong. The girls always have silly little accidents when they're playing. Don't worry about that."

Blaine swallowed and his grip on the counter relaxed, but he still looked nervous. "Okay?"

"I wanted to talk to you about something completely different," Cooper cleared his throat and tried thinking of the best way to say what he wanted to say. "I've been thinking that it would be good for you to find something you want to do. Something you enjoy. Have you thought about what you want to do with your life?"

The question seemed to terrify Blaine just as much as his first comment. "I… no. I know I'm not doing much to help around here, and I…"

"Blaine." Cooper interrupted firmly, looking at his brother with an arched eyebrow. "Stop assuming that we're going to kick you out. You're not doing anything wrong." He decided not to give Blaine time to jump into more incorrect conclusions. "I just mean that maybe it could be beneficial for you to have something more constructive to do. Maybe get a job...or go back to school. We would support anything you want to do with your life. Having a goal, and something to keep you busy besides the girls dragging you to the park every day would be nice."

Blaine nodded slowly and looked down at his own feet for a moment. Cooper realized he was trying to come up with a way to say something, so he allowed him to think. "I… I know you may think it's silly, but I've been thinking that maybe I could try writing."

Cooper was surprised. He had come up with a list of things his brother would maybe find enjoyable so he could encourage him to pursue one of them, but writing hadn't been one of them. "Writing? You mean, songs?"

Blaine frowned, as if he was thinking very hard about something. "No… I mean, like books. A novel, maybe. I think it could… you know, help me express the things I've kept inside for so long. I feel like no one ever tells the villain's side of the story…"

Cooper smiled sadly. "Blaine… you're not a villain."

Blaine shrugged, still not looking at his brother. "I'm not a hero either."

Cooper parted his lips, ready to protest, but the doorbell rang in that moment. He sighed and then pointed at Blaine. "We're not done talking about this."

Blaine looked half resigned, half amused. Cooper turned and exited the kitchen, walking down the hallway to the front door as the person outside started knocking impatiently.

"I'm coming, I'm coming! Jeez," Cooper muttered under his breath, annoyed.

He pulled the front door open and found the last person he had expected to see. Kurt stood before him, with red-rimmed eyes and looking completely distraught. The hand he had raised to keep knocking on the door was trembling.

"Kurt?" Cooper asked in a low voice. He didn't want Blaine to know he was here.

"Oh Cooper, thank god," Kurt said in a choked voice. "You have to help me. Blaine is gone."

Cooper's lips set in a straight line. "Kurt…"

"I went to his apartment and he wasn't there. The woman who lives down the hall told me she hasn't seen him in a week…" Kurt continued frantically, desperately. "I went to his usual diner and to the bar he sometimes works at, but no one has seen him. Please, Cooper, we need to do something. What if he did something stupid?"

Cooper remained calmed. He needed to get Kurt to leave as soon as possible. "Kurt. Why are you still here? You should be back in New York already."

Kurt stopped abruptly and stared at him with wide eyes that were quickly filling with tears. "Cooper, aren't you listening? Blaine has disappeared! Anything could have happened! You need to help me find him."

"Don't worry about Blaine. Just go home, Kurt," Cooper insisted firmly.

"How can you say that? Don't you care that your brother might be lying on a ditch somewhere? How can you be so heartless?" Kurt exclaimed, as his concerns and hopelessness gave way to anger. "I don't care what he did in the past! I don't care if he didn't fit into your family! You can't just turn your back on him like this!"

"Please, lower your voice," Cooper asked him, quickly glancing over his shoulder to check if Blaine was still in the kitchen. "And listen to me, Kurt. _Don't worry about Blaine_. Just go home, marry your fiancé and go on with your life. There's nothing else for you to do here."

"I can't believe you…" Kurt started saying, but cut himself off when Cooper looked over his shoulder again as he began to close the door to keep Kurt outside. "Wait!" Kurt almost shouted, planting the palm of his hand against the white-painted wood to keep Cooper from closing the door. "Cooper… do you know something I don't?"

Cooper looked at him intently, almost begging for Kurt to just give up. "_Go. Home_."

Kurt covered his mouth with his hand and let out a shuddering breath. "Is… is he here?"

Cooper sighed impatiently. It was a matter of time before Blaine walked out of the kitchen and saw Kurt. He needed to avoid that at all costs. "Like I said, don't worry."

Kurt took his words for a confirmation. Relief washed over his face at realizing Blaine was alive and well, after all, and he closed his eyes for a moment to regain some control. Cooper began closing the door once more, but Kurt stopped him, looking determined. "I want to see him."

"That's not a good idea," Cooper replied severely, not leaving any room for discussion. "It's better this way, Kurt. Just leave."

"No," Kurt said stubbornly. "I'm not leaving until I see him. I need to see with my own two eyes that he's okay."

"We would be having a very different conversation if something had happened to him, I can assure you of that," Cooper murmured fiercely.

"Cooper, let me see him."

"Go home."

"Cooper…"

"No. I'm drawing a line here, Kurt. You need to respect this…" Cooper muttered as quietly as he could, once again looking over his shoulder. God, he didn't even want to think about what seeing Kurt would do to Blaine right now…

"Cooper, I want to see him," Kurt insisted and Cooper was very close to just slapping some sense into him.

"_You are not seeing him, Kurt_."

It seemed Kurt had reached his limit. It was obvious he had had enough, after looking for Blaine everywhere and assuming the worst had happened to him. The hand he had pressed against the door to keep it open closed into a fist and pounded on the wood with the kind of strength no one ever attributed to Kurt at first glance. "He's my husband and I want to see him!" He yelled.

Cooper flinched – Kurt's voice had been loud enough to echo through the house. He opened his mouth to plead one more time, but knew there was no point in it when Kurt's gaze suddenly shifted from his face to something behind him.

"Kurt?" Blaine said hesitantly.

"Blaine…" Kurt exhaled the name in relief before pushing past Cooper and into the house, where Blaine stood in the middle of the hallway, watching him with wide eyes. Kurt rushed towards him and enveloped him in his arms, holding him tightly and burying his face against his shoulder. "Oh god, you're okay. You're okay."

Blaine seemed stunned, but he wrapped his arms around Kurt nonetheless and Cooper watched the way his face shifted, how his eyes closed and he was instantly melting into the embrace, right where he had always belonged.

"Blaine," he pleaded desperately.

Blaine opened his eyes and looked at his brother without letting go of Kurt, who was struggling to stop crying. "It's okay, Coop."

"I don't think…" Cooper began saying, but only one glance from Blaine was enough to cut him off.

"Just give us a few minutes, alright? It's okay," he repeated, as if wanting to assure his brother.

Cooper knew there was no point in arguing now. He wouldn't be able to rip them apart even if he tried. "Fine. I'll… I'll be in my room. If you need anything…"

"I know. Thank you," Blaine said in a quiet voice.

Even though it was the last thing he wanted to do, Cooper walked up the stairs and let his little brother alone with the man who had the power to destroy the little progress Blaine had made in the past few days.

He just hoped he would be able to pick up the pieces and put them back together once Kurt left.

* * *

Blaine's scent was intoxicating and Kurt didn't want to let him go. When he hadn't been able to find him anywhere, he had felt like the world was crumbling upon him and he hated himself for not trying to find him sooner, for giving Blaine time to hurt himself. But here he was, in his arms, clinging to him as tightly as he was, breathing, warm and very much alive.

"I thought… I thought…" Kurt murmured, doing his best to contain his sobs.

Blaine rubbed his back comfortingly and waited patiently until Kurt felt like he could breathe again. Only then did Kurt find the strength to pull away and stared at Blaine's face. He seemed okay – he was clean-shaven and the dark marks under his eyes weren't as pronounced as they had been the last time he had seen him. He seemed to have even put on a little weight in the past few days.

"You're okay," he muttered.

"I am," Blaine replied softly. His hazel eyes didn't stop moving all over Kurt's face, fixing on his eyes only to shift down to his lips and over his cheekbones and back to his eyes. Kurt didn't understand, but it seemed like Blaine was looking for something. "Are you?"

"I couldn't _find_ you," Kurt answered in distress.

"I've been here since I saw you at the hotel. I came straight here when I left. Cooper and Madison let me stay with them," Blaine explained. His hand wasn't rubbing Kurt's back anymore, and Kurt didn't realize he had stopped holding him until then. His own arms were still wrapped around Blaine tightly, but Blaine seemed hesitant whether he was allowed to touch him or not.

Kurt knew if they were going to talk that he should let go, but he wasn't ready to yet, after thinking he'd lost him forever.

"You…" Blaine looked down at the floor and away from Kurt. He cleared his throat. "You told Cooper I was your husband."

"You are," Kurt said softly, cupping Blaine's face and running his thumb up and down his jaw.

"I signed the papers," Blaine mumbled in a dark, miserable voice.

Kurt pulled away enough to reach his messenger bag. He opened it and extracted the same envelope Blaine had given him at the hotel that terrible day. Blaine recoiled a little at the sight of them, as if looking at them was enough to hurt him. "I still have them with me. They don't mean anything until I give them to my lawyer."

"Then why are you still here? I thought you would be in New York by now," Blaine said, wrapping his arms around himself like a shield, and taking a step away from Kurt.

"I broke up with Alex," Kurt replied, startling Blaine, who had clearly been expecting anything but that. "I'm not engaged anymore. Alex and I… we were just kidding ourselves. We were never meant to be."

"I thought you loved him," Blaine murmured.

"I did. But I wasn't in love with him. There's only been one person I've ever fallen in love with, and it wasn't Alex," Kurt looked into his eyes and then grabbed one of his hands, squeezing it gently. "It doesn't matter how many years we spend apart or how much we hurt each other… it'll always be you, Blaine. There hasn't been anyone but you."

A sob threatened to escape through Blaine's lips. "You… you don't mean that."

"I do," Kurt said sweetly, stepping closer to him. "I just wish I had realized it sooner."

"Kurt…"

"I love you," Kurt smiled at him. It felt so good to finally say those words to Blaine. "I'll always love you, Blaine."

Tears began trailing down Blaine's cheeks. He sniffed and tried valiantly to wipe them away, but more came to replace them. "Kurt, you… I…"

"I know," Kurt whispered, placing his hands on Blaine's shoulders and stepping closer to him until he could lean their foreheads together. "I know, Blaine."

"I spent the past ten years dreaming of the day you'd say those words again," Blaine murmured with a broken voice.

Kurt had to bite his lips to stop his own tears from spilling down his face. "I'm sorry, Blaine. I'm sorry we got so lost…"

"I love you," Blaine sobbed, as his hands pressed against Kurt's chest, desperately clutching his clothes. "I love you so much…"

Unable to resist for one more second, Kurt tilted his head until his lips pressed against Blaine's. Blaine gasped into the kiss, as if he hadn't been expecting it at all, and kissed back, tentatively at first, but eagerly as soon as he realized Kurt wasn't going to pull away. Kurt wrapped him in his arms as their mouths fit together in that perfect way only two pieces from the same puzzle can. From the moment Blaine had kissed him for the first time in Dalton's common room, Kurt's lips, heart and soul had belonged to him. Nothing had ever felt as right as this again.

Just as Kurt was really getting into the kiss, pulling Blaine's lower lip between his own to suck on it light, Blaine abruptly pulled away, took a step back out of Kurt's arms, leaving him baffled.

Alarmed, Kurt frowned. "What is it? Are you okay?"

Blaine closed his eyes and buried his fingers in his hair, tugging at his curls a little in despair. "I can't do this."

Kurt felt as if the floor had disappeared from under his feet and he was suddenly falling, falling into an endless void without knowing if he'd ever stop. "W-what do you mean? You just said you love me," Kurt muttered, watching as Blaine started pacing, still tugging at his hair. "Blaine, please. We belong together. We always have. And I know it's been complicated between us, but I don't want to waste any more time. I don't care how crazy this is – I want to be with you again. I want to give us another shot…"

Blaine finally stopped pacing and dropped his hands. The heartbroken expression on his face made Kurt's heart stutter in his chest. "Kurt… I'm sorry. I can't."

"Why _not_?" Kurt asked, like a spoiled little boy who didn't understand why his parents couldn't give him another cookie.

"Because I…" Blaine stopped, took a deep breath, and when he glanced back at him, Kurt could see the shame and the pain that he had been carrying around for so long reflected in his gorgeous, tired hazel eyes. "For ten years, I haven't been able to grow up, to live, to think, to plan. I was lost and the only thing I could think of was you. I built my days around you – around not having you, not seeing you and around the pain I caused you. Everything I am now… is just pain and regret and so much fucking shame, Kurt…"

"I'm here now…" Kurt mumbled, still confused. "You don't have to…"

"You don't understand," Blaine cut off, defeated, and the sadness surrounding him seemed to fill the room. "You just said you love me… but how can you love someone you don't know? The boy you fell in love with is dead, Kurt. I killed him so long ago…" Blaine shook his head. "What if we give this another shot only for you to realize you don't like the man I've become? I wouldn't blame you for that. I don't really like him, either…"

"Don't say that," Kurt took a step closer and was happy when Blaine allowed him to cup his face. At least Blaine wasn't rejecting him. "A-are you trying to say that you _don't_ want to be with…?"

"Of _course_ I want to be with you." Blaine interrupted, because the idea that he wouldn't want Kurt was insane. "But I want you to be sure that you're with the man you want to be with, a man who deserves you. And right now...Kurt, I don't deserve you. I'm a complete mess."

Kurt couldn't hold back the tears anymore. "Why does this feel like you're breaking up with me? We aren't even back together yet…"

"I'm not breaking up with you," Blaine reassured him, wiping the tears off his face sweetly, and then caressing his cheekbones with the tips of his fingers. "I would never break up with you. But… I need to heal. I need to find myself again. It's been a decade, Kurt, and I'm so tired. I need to build myself up again and I just… I need to make sure I can live without you. I need to learn how to live without you." Blaine pressed their foreheads together and stared into Kurt's blue eyes. "I need you to understand this – I want to be with you and I love you with all my heart… but if I don't learn how to be without you, how to be whole without you… then I won't make it. It's too hard. It hurts too much and it's consuming me. I… I didn't allow myself to heal when I should have and now it's too much. I can't do this."

Kurt was beginning to understand what Blaine was trying to say. He was scared they might end up on different paths, but he had to allow Blaine to find his own way, to get better.

"I love you," Blaine said again, without hesitation. "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I want to be able to be with you more than anything in my life… but if I don't give myself time to heal, grow up and learn… I'll hurt you again, and I'll hurt myself." Blaine took a deep breath and pulled away a little. "Do you think you can give me some time?"

Kurt ran his fingers through Blaine's messy curls lovingly. God, he loved this man. How had he fooled himself for so long? "I'll give you anything you want," he replied with a little smile. "I want you to be happy, Blaine, and if that means we can't be together yet… then I'll wait, because I already know that no matter who you end up being, I will always want to be with you."

Blaine kissed him once more, softly and briefly, pulling away too soon for Kurt's taste. He wanted more, but he wasn't going to push. They both had been hurt because by the other for too long, but Blaine had ended up with a lot more bruises and scars. Kurt only wished he could do something to help him get better.

"Can I…" Kurt murmured, as he buried his face against Blaine's neck, taking in his scent and warmth. God, now that he had him this close, he didn't know how he had managed to survive without him for ten years. "Can I ask you something, though? A kind of condition."

Blaine nodded and dropped a kiss to his temple. "What is it?"

"I don't want to get divorced," Kurt answered, shocking Blaine. He lifted his head to look at him in the eyes. "I mean… if you end up deciding you don't want us to be together again, then of course, we'll… we'll get divorced. But… I want to stay married to you and see it as a sign of faith that we'll make it. Because I believe in you, Blaine, and I know you'll come back to me…"

Blaine sniffed as he hugged Kurt closer. "Are you sure? That's what you want?"

"If it's okay with you…" Kurt said, hesitantly.

"It's what I've always wanted," Blaine whispered against his ear. He kissed the sensitive spot behind it, making Kurt shiver in his arms. "And this doesn't mean we won't see each other or that we won't talk… I just need a little time and space to figure my life out, to learn who I am."

"I know. And I'll be right here if you need me," Kurt pressed his hand against Blaine's heart, finding the gentle pound of his heartbeat comforting against his fingertips.

"I love you," Blaine said, as his arms tightened around him.

Kurt closed his eyes and memorized how it felt to be so close to him, just in case. "I love you too."

Sometimes love wasn't enough, but it helped keep the hope alive and light the way.

* * *

**Thank you so much for reading! I hope you liked it. Please review!**

**I'm not entirely sure if I'll be able to update next weekend, but I will do my best. Everything in my life is kinda uncertain at the moment, so please bear with me. I'll try to be back as soon as I can.**

**Love you all,**

**L.-**


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